Don't.

Hello.
Don't ask people how they are and then roll your eyes when they tell you.
Don't expect them to lie, "fine," and go away, especially if they think you're friends.
Don't ask, if you don't care to hear the answer.
Don't ask if all you're going to do is wait for them to shut up so you can talk.
Don't ask them to "stop whining and be happy."
Fuck you, it's not their job to be your chirpy little bird 24/7.
Don't dismiss their problems when you don't even know them.
This has been a public service announcement/rant.
Bye.


~Sam

Scary Sunderban Stars

I wonder why humans are so fascinated with scary experiences. With controlled scary experiences, especially: experiences like roller coasters and swimming with sharks and jumping off bridges with only a rope to keep you from dying. 

When I was 18, we went to the Sunderbans to see the tigers. We didn't end up seeing the tigers, but I experienced something pretty damn scary anyway: total and utter darkness. On a small boat, in pitch darkness, in a crocodile filled marsh, in winter. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was scared for my life; but more than that, I was horrified at the thought that my phone might fall into the dark water. 

Recurring nightmares of my phone falling in played before my eyes. I even imagined myself jumping in after it to save it and emerging victorious, but with a phone which would no longer work; alternatively, I imagined being unable to find it, interspersed with mental images of being eaten by crocodiles and dying a painful death- or worse, surviving, to get beaten up by my tearful mother.

When I wasn't thinking of my phone falling into the water possibly leading to death or hypothermia, I was staring at the stars. Man, they do not joke when they tell you that the stars without city lights are beautiful. There are so many of them, and it's a crazy, crazy experience leaning back (over a crocodile filled cold river which could swallow my phone, don't forget) and watching them crowd each other out of the sky, and just think (and fear death and hypothermia and phone-loss), or rather, not think, just look and have dazed conversations with your brother, while your parents worried about getting you back to dry land.  

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, except I feel like posting something other than favourites, and this is something I'd like to remember.

~Sam 

November Favourites

It's been a very long, very shitty month, and I'm glad I had this list running to remind myself to notice that there were good moments too. 

1. Cuddling up and sleeping with mom. Also, this time when I wanted to buy 4" heels and she picked up old-lady/young-kid 1" shoes and offered those as an alternative and our eyes met and we both realized how silly that was and that I wasn't going to fall for that and was grown up and wanted heels and wouldn't be swayed as easily as I always had been, and laughed and had a moment.
2. Heels!! I'd talked last month about the wonderful heels I'd seen, and these are better. Well, they're higher and hotter. Less comfortable, but walkable enough (on flat surfaces). I wore them for an entire evening fairly successfully, so I'm okay with them. They're nude with a dark red sole. :D
3. My Christmas Cookie. U da best. I'm so, so blessed to have you in my life. 
4. November 13, 2014. It isn't a landmark date. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. But it was a nice day. I laughed and talked to people, went to my happy place with Doobie (this sounds like it involves drugs. It doesn't, I swear. Except caffeine), got some work done, got an extra hour of sleep because of a cancelled class, danced for a few minutes with friends, had a happy conversation with my mum, and just...was happy. After a few days of being pretty depressed, it was a more than welcome change. 
5. My new tumblr. It's taking up more of my life than I can afford to give, but it makes me pretty happy. But also sad, because all of the pretty pictures of all of the places I want to travel to just evokes a very painful sense of wanderlust. 
6. Sparkykitty. Your presence is enough to lighten me up. God bless you for being in my life. 
7. This one night when I dressed up in my favourite (and only) red dress and put on my make up and earrings and heels and took a ton of selfies (a collage of which now adorns my facebook profile as my cover picture, complete with trippy tinting- yes, I'm that girl) and dragged my friends out for a dinner (I made a plan and it worked out!!!!!) where we had loud conversations about Harry Potter.
8. Gold. It was another birthday book, one I bought myself from this paradise of a bookshop, and I don't even know how many times it made my face crumple up in tears. I hate this book. It is so good.  I don't know if I reacted so strongly to it because of my general mental state, but it's a great book with great writing in either case, and definitely deserves a spot on here. 
9. All the times I went out, basically. Getting away from here was nice. I went for a nice lunch with a bunch of friends to one of my favouritest places in the whole wide world. And posted my first letter!!! I mean, I've sent other letters before, but I usually just got my mum to post it for me. It was inordinately exciting. It was a generally  lovely happy day, though, and got me out of my blurgh state of mind, which is always a welcome thing.  There was also another nice happy lunch followed by a play put up by some of my friends at this amazing place with lovely art all around. Also I found a cool shop and bought a wolverines minion tshirt and earrings. Did I mention good food? And art? Favourite bit: a floor designed to look like a snakes and ladders gameboard. And then on another day I went for dinner with sparkykitty and the cat and we sang songs in the cab all the way back and everyone thought we were drunk but we weren't, we were just happy. And finally, yesterday I went out to get myself a thanksgiving meal because I've been craving turkey and pumpkin pie (mainly pumpkin pie) forever and I'd intended not to go because it was too expensive and I'd spent too much money this term but my utter lack of willpower combined with a lot of nagging from my friends and a gentle push from my mom made me finally go. Then I reach the place and find out that they're out of pumpkin pie, which shattered my heart, except it also led to what actually makes this one of my favourites, and the best part of the evening: walking a mile and a half (we calculated) in the cold, bundled up in my unflattering and very warm red sweater top, to get that pumpkin pie from another restaurant which was actually farther than we thought it was. But it was awesome, because I love walking, and I love walking bundled up in my sweater in the cold even more, and it's been a while since I've walked, and this particular walk led to pumpkin pie, soooooooooo.
10. Blank Space. I'm not really on the Taylor bandwagon, but seeing her be so sassy and just own her image in the media is so awesome. 

Also, since it's thanksgiving month I'm going to take a moment to give thanks even if it isn't my festival to celebrate and is a problematic festival anyway, because I'm into festivals and I'm also into gratitude:

First, to my mom, for trying so hard to understand me, and for loving me so, so much. 

Second, my brother, for being there when I need him, despite all our distance and quarrels and fundamental ideological differences. 

And generally to my grandparents and my aunt and my awesome extended family. 

My friends, past and present: even when we're fighting, even when we haven't talked in months, each of you has at some point made me glad to be alive. 

My mind and my body and my general propensity for happiness. As I said, this month has been awful in many ways and the recent emotional upheaval and feelings of depression have just made me really grateful for my default state of positivity. 

Okay bye. 

Love and hugs, 

~Sam 

October Favourites

This has been a nice month, but I'm going to be dying with work until March, so everybody please pray times flies until then. Please?

Anyway, for the here and now, these were some of my favourites from last month. 

1. One of the many books I received for my birthday this year was Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock, which is a beautiful story about a suicidal boy, and which these few words don't even begin to cover, but suffice to say that it was an absolutely wonderful book which should be mandatory reading for everybody, and which I wish my friends would read already so that I could talk about it with them. It's an amazing book. Outstanding. Awesome. And not as depressing as my brief description made it sound. Not quite like what the blurb makes it sound like either. Read it.
2. The Thinking Out Loud video. Please, for your sake, watch it in HD. I have never, that I can remember, been so in love with a music video.  It is absolutely brilliant, the dance, and also the atmosphere that they somehow create of actually being two lovers dancing by themselves, despite all the difficult steps. Ed is my boo, but Brittany Cherry is a dream. She makes those steps poetry, while you can kind of see Ed needs to focus on his steps a little more (possibly because he learned how to do this in a month just for this video WHILE ON TOUR and thus probably super-busy). I am really into this video (and song) okay?
3. We redid our room (again)! It is, I think, the cleanest it has ever been in the history of us living here, though the mattress on the floor is gone. I'll miss you, mattress on the floor. You were beautiful while you lasted.
   I think I'll bring that idea back later in my life, when my floor hopefully won't be so prone to dust. Its departure has made the room way more spacious though, so yay.
   I put up my posters, finally and it looks a bit cluttered (don't ever let me buy more posters, please, I beg of you), but meh. I like it, more or less. The room's cleanliness has got me really happy though, along with the fact that it's the beginning of the term so I'm actually managing to get some sleep. *touchwood* That state is not going to last long. 
4. I was home for half of October, and it was awesome. In retrospect. I kind of acted like a spoilt brat while I was there, which I'm not exactly proud of. I'm not even sure why I was such a snappy annoying creature, but I shall try to make it up now, when I am home again for a week! Five days. Whatever. Shut up.
   I also got to meet my brother!!! :D It was very last moment, and only for a couple days, but I'd been wanting to meet him, and...yay! The world has been kind to me, so far. Touchwood, and thank you, world. ^_^ Home also meant that I got to eat a lot of double ka meetha, which is this amazing dessert my mom makes which I have loved since I first tasted it. And we had to go to this family celebration thing, which I'd been dreading but which had two nice outcomes: a) I got to meet a friend in the holidays after over a year now, I think, and that was brilliant, she really made a shitty day brighter; b) I got to dress up all pretty and swish in my swishy outfit! 
5. I read Hamlet!!!!! A movie released here, starring one of my favourite actors (he is so beautiful and also acts well and also dances well and has the most amazing smile with his scrunchy face and his teeth and did I mention he was beautiful?), which was an adaptation of Hamlet. I decided, with great determination, that this would be my time to read Hamlet (I've been wanting to/planning to read another play by Shakespeare for years at this point), and that I wouldn't let myself watch the movie until I'd read the play. AND I DID IT. I set myself a goal and accomplished it and it was the most amazing feeling ever and I wish I procrastinated less so I could feel that more often. But anyway, the movie was brilliant, but I was also ecstatic to be drowning in Shakespeare again.
6. My mum went to buy lipstick and for the first time in her life they accidentally gave her the wrong shade, which happens to be a shade of red, which I've been wanting only forever, so I happily took this unwanted burden off her hands, and now I have two lipsticks, and one of them is RED (okay it's "Rosy Sunday," whatever) and this makes me inordinately happy. 
7. I also got mehendi, what some of you will know as henna, put on my hands, which I absolutely love, so yay for that too. Though mehendi these days peels off instead of fading gracefully as it used to do, which is really upsetting because it looks good for like two days before becoming absolutely disgusting and which idiot thought that this was a good idea? I think putting in whatever chemicals they are which is causing this makes the colour come faster, but everyone knows that keeping the mehendi on waiting for the colour to come is the best part! Or maybe that's just me. 
8. Another birthday present I got was a star necklace (a pendant shaped like a star, on a necklace). It's pretty simple, but I adore it, because a) star, b) it's hardy which means I can wear it all the time, c) Marshmallow gave it to me so wearing it all the time makes me feel a little more connected to her and d) I have always been fascinated with the idea of a constant accessory, whether that be earrings or a ring or a necklace and now I finally have one! So yay! (I say yay a lot but there really isn't a synonym for yay, is there? I tried to reduce my usage of "amazing," I hope you've noticed the diversity in my words.)
9. I got to hug my mom a lot. I'm missing home, and her, so much right now. It's weird how I wasn't homesick at all when I actually left home, it's just hitting me now, two years after the fact.
10. I found THE MOST PERFECT HEELS IN THE WORLD. And couldn't buy them. They were beige, which meant I could wear them with anything and would thus not feel so guilty about spending so much; they were high and looked amazing, but were also insanely comfortable and I could walk in them. But they only had one pair in my size, and the finishing wasn't great on it, to the extent that even I could notice, so...boo. :( What I did get to buy, however, are loads of sweaters and cardigans, one of which has such a Christmassy feel to it, and all of which I love, and I'm just really excited about this because I love winter-wear. Winter which requires one extra layer of clothing is the perfect season for me. So I guess what I'm saying is: autumn. I love autumn, and I wish India had more of an autumn. Or that I lived in San Francisco. San Francisco sounds kind of awesome, and I loved the one day (two?) that I spent there when I was little. 
11. I finally watched A Winter Soldier and it's as good as they all said it was. On the other hand, the new Avengers trailer has me really worried because it looks so dark and I'm scared. :| That song in the background really doesn't help either, AND WHY IS STEVE'S SHIELD BROKEN? I don't know if I can watch this movie (of course I will) but I can't (but I must). I'm also really excited about Agent Carter! The story sounds awesome, and also..Chad Michael Murray is in it. :D 
12. On that happy note, Diwali! It was my first Diwali away from home, which was sad, but also my first Diwali on campus, and it was really well done! I lit my first ever sky-lantern! And my only, so far. But the general festiveness with everyone dressing up, and going to the temple, and eating out, and generally celebrating life was lovely. So much happiness all around. 
13. STROOPWAFELS. Doobie's mum got them and they're the most delicious things in the world and I must get my hands on more of them. They're basically these Dutch waffle-snacks, and so good omnomnomnomnom. Nom. 
14. I finally went out for breakfast. I've wanted to do this only forever, but I always ended up being too sleep-deprived to wake up in the morning, or too broke, or not in town, every time anyone made plans. I don't think I can ever forgive my friends for going to one of my favourite places multiple times without me (you know who you are). But I digress. The last Sunday of this month, I finally overcame my morning lethargy to get out into the world before noon, and had breakfast at this wonderful place. Who knew I could actually like baked beans? I should've known better than to order coffee though; I wrongly presumed that my new-found love of hazelnut lattes would allow me to enjoy non-flavoured coffee as well. I was so, so wrong. Four sachets of sugar and it was still too coffee for me. *shudders* But it was a great place, good food, and great company, which more than made up for the coffee. 

Until next month, 

~Sam 

Flying

I'm flying and I'm thinking about how quickly flying has become just another mundane thing, to take us from one headache to another. I'm thinking about how if humans could fly they would call it exercise and wouldn't. I'm thinking about how many beautiful things we fail to appreciate simply because we have them. I'm looking at the sky out the window, and I'm thinking of what Van Gogh could have done with this view.
I'm thinking that of course, of course heaven is in the skies. Because what could be more paradise than this, this place above the clouds and below the sky, the sun your equal, the mountains of fog in the distance, the candy floss at your feet?

I've landed and I'm thinking about this one time the books fell on my head and how much that hurt. How little physical pain we deal with in our lives. How much I miss running and why I don't just go running. My issues and whether giving them the importance of Issues is worse than brushing them under the carpet.

I'm driving and I'm thinking about how, in the time I would have procrastinated between lunch and dinner, I've crossed half an ex-continent and just like that, I'm home.

~Sam

Mind games

It scares me so much how good we are at pretending to be normal. To be put together. To be fine, just fine. At one level, it's just faking our way through job interviews and winging it on the actual job, no one being any the wiser that you have no clue what you're doing. A bit of confidence and a smirk can do wonders. But at another level, it's being suicidal with a chirp in your voice, depressed with a bounce in your step. Your best friend could want to hurt herself and you wouldn't even know. Your friend could call you for lunch just so he could shoot you and himself, a la the most recent shooting, and you would have no. Fucking. Clue.

And it scares me that you're just pushed more and more towards that pretended normalcy, towards uniformity, towards hiding your flaws and your humanity. Towards not being "weird." Towards harming yourself and those around you.
How we learn to flick away compliments and stick to insults, how we're so uncritical while believing criticism. And how much it can get to us.

I'm just very scared of the insides of peoples minds, and how it often has no connection at all to the outside.

~Sam

Terrace Nights

I step out onto the terrace
And I can feel the relief enter me
As tangible as the breeze touching me.
I look up,
The stars have put on a show tonight.
I look around,

The trees are still.
The release leaves me
As the dogs bark over the songs in my ears.
But even the howling, fighting mongrels
Cannot take away the serenity of this scene.
When did a dog's howl become serene?
I look up,
I swear I saw that star move,
Run over to its neighbour.
But no, it's right there.
I wonder what the stars talk about?
Do they look down at us and wonder at our lives?
Can we be that important?

~Sam

If Only

If only we could detach body parts.
My hand could go unlock the door while my eyes read,
My hair stir in the breeze while my forehead furrowed.
I could put my uterus aside, let it vent its fury alone,
Throw out those awful cramps and let my body relax.
Send my legs out for a hike while my eyes slept,
Make that brain sit in the corner and think about what it did wrong.
Quiet that stuttering heart in the palm of my hand,
Soothing it, shushing it until it calmed.
I could be healthier,happier, more productive even.
But best of all- I could get away from myself.

~Sam

Marvel

At the dewdrop delicately balancing on the leaf,
Unmatched by any tightrope walker in any circus.
At the flock cutting across the sky,
An annual journey I could not compete with in a lifetime.
At the sky, oh the sky,
All the painters with all the paint could not paint its hues.
At the ant, scurrying about its job,
What does Wall Street have to that ant?
At the indomitable cockroach, wriggling after being crushed,
No Howard Roark could out-spirit that cockroach.
At the beauty of cities,
Are they ever so beautiful as when you're leaving them?

Is the sun ever so beautiful as when it bids goodnight?


Being all sentimental and shit,
~Sam.

September Favourites

September was...quite the month. Tumultuous, I think, would be the word to describe it.

1. I watched a movie by myself. The events-and feelings- just before and just after that were definitely not favourite-worthy, and pretty much sucked to the core, but watching the movie itself was an awesome experience that I'd like to repeat, even though I did subconsciously turn to laugh at something with my absent friends a couple of times. Then I wallowed in my sorrow of that day by indulging in some major retail therapy. I finally bought lipstick!! It's something I've been meaning to do for a while, and after being the highlight of the make-up-selling-woman's day with my total ignorance, I landed on a nice bright pink which is pretty much the opposite of what I was looking for, but with some lip balm to dull it a bit, I love it. Oh, I also bought lychee lip balm! I love it. And a new eye-liner, I was sick of sharpening my old one. Yes, make-up is now important enough to me to deserve a paragraph over here, go away. Oh, and I bought a pretty, princessy hair-clip (which I have since worn once- unsuccessfully- and broken twice) and a ring (too big for me), but they were so pretty and I wasn't exactly in a state of mind to be thinking through my decisions. I did hold myself back from buying this expensive, beautiful (Japanese Cherry Blossom) perfume, though in retrospect I feel I should've just bought it (I totally shouldn't have).
I did learn that feeling like shit and being left alone in a mall are not good for my wallet, though.

2. On to happier things, I did well-ish at that thing I'd mentioned, which means I now have to do another thing, which I'm scared to the bone about messing up, but since I have no choice, let's just hope I work through my fears and this becomes a February Favourite. (It's kind of a long-term thing. I suck at long-term things. Don't you love all of the details I'm giving you?) I also took a lovely walk with a lovely friend, and lay on my back on the cold wet road and looked at the bright starry sky and basically floated on peacefulness.

3. Oh, getting back to make-up, I started this little ritual that I picked up from a friend of mine (hi, you), where I put on make-up when I can't study or do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. And it works. It's also nice to finally have an opportunity to wear my make-up and earrings and rings and pretty things, since I usually don't have the time to do all that before heading to class in the mornings.

4. I swung on the faculty-kids' swings a lot, a lot and it was pretty amazing each time and I'm so happy I finally plucked up the courage to start going there, because I haven't stopped since, and it's my happy place.

5. My boots saw more of the world. Given that I've worn them four times since buying them four or five years ago, and given how much I nagged my mother to buy me a pair, and given how much I spent on them, I think this is a favourite-worthy fact, even if I'm not as fond of them as I once was.

6. All of the midnight make-up application means I finally know how to line my eyes, even the top, which is so awesome. It's basically been a month (and a term, for that matter) of doing things I usually would never have done, whether that be karaoke or a movie alone or make-up or that thing I keep talking about, and that is good, I think.

7. I wore my hair in two braids a lot. I like two braids. It was nice.

8. Doobie and I found a happy place far from the maddening crowd (or perhaps bang in the middle of it, from a more literal perspective).

9. I bought what I think are amazing presents for some of my friends, and also received definitely awesome presents from them in turn, which was wonderful. Gifting, both giving and receiving, makes me so incredibly happy. ^_^

10. But most of all, I ran away from law school, and came home. I needed that so, so much this time. Let's hope home is good to me.

This is all I can think of right now. I didn't keep a draft of my favourites this month, again, because busy and lazy, so I might update this later, but I think I covered everything.

Love, ^_^
~Sam

Where are you?

I'm there for you,
Always. (Almost.)
You're here for me,
Sometimes. (When?)
You speak, I listen.
I speak- you speak.
I walk around,
Alone.
Texting my sorrows
Away
To long distant ears
Who listen, when I speak.
Where are you,
When I need you?
Where are you,
When I'm the only one here to hold me?
Where are you,
When you don't need me?

Is it unfair of me,

To judge you by my standard?

You are different,

I know.

We are all different.

But where are you,
When I need you?

~Sam

Because I spent half this morning thinking about the tee-shirt you sleep in.

The title is a reference to a song by Birdy, every single word of which is resonating with me right now, which is a situation I'm not too pleased with. Can you please just go away, feelings? This is not working out for me. I need a break. Go away, go party in Hawaii or something. Lust after some hot lifeguard. Just stop feeling so much, god, stop being so aware of him every moment of every day, stop thinking about what he might be doing, stop looking at his facebook profile, the same pictures over and over again, stop thinking about that god-awful smirk of his, stop it, stop it, stop it.
And if you can't stop, at least get some decent writing out of it, what the hell is this crap? Just quote some nice song by someone else, and that's it, you're done expressing yourself? Come up with something original, jeez. Write a bit of angsty poetry. A future classic about the hardships of love, or whatever in the hell this is. Obsession, I think, would be a better description than love. [Would also make a better story.] Love is so different. Right? So much purer. So much less moony, or at least I hope so- unless the mooning is reciprocated, in which case, all is okay. Love has to be reciprocated, right? You can't just fall in love with the twirl of someone's hair, the poise of his hands and feet (did you even know feet could be poised?), the intensity and laughter of his gaze. Can you? Can you be in love with someone who isn't even here, in whose life you don't even feature, except maybe some extra who moved across the screen that one time in that one scene? Can you be in love with someone who exists more in your mind than in your life?
Oh shut up, you aren't in love with him. A week of vacation, when your mind isn't desperately trying to get away from thinking about work and other things actually relevant to your life, and you'll be over him like a frog over a puddle.
At least I hope you will. Don't fall into that puddle, frog. Don't let the pretty shimmering entice you into it. That light is deceptive. That puddle is not good for you. Jump over it, and hop away as fast as you can. Or better yet- jump over it, and forget it ever existed in the first place.
Is this writing good enough to make up for all of the feelings? I certainly hope so, because it's all I got right now.

I shall stop talking to myself now.
Goodnight folks. (Ha, like I'm sleeping.)

Love or whatever,
~Sam

PS: This is our 300th post! Yay! 

For Ishanicat and Sakhzi

Reposting this because some of my friends need happiness in their lives and I'm hoping some of my favourites are general enough to make anyone happy. Also hoping that words referring to happy things are enough to make people happy and remind them of the beauty of life and all that jazz.


A few of my favourite things.

Pens that work. Unexpected hugs. A smile from a stranger. A satisfying article. A job well done. Orange juice. A hot choco-lava cake. Soft, warm cookies. Unexpected compliments. Any compliments! The scent of a bakery, the fragrance of impending rain and wet soil. Knowing things. Stumbling upon the perfect word to describe something, as opposed to having it on the tip of your tongue and not being able to remember it. When you vaguely wish for something, and it just happens. When the perfect song to match your mood starts playing. Good food. Chocolate food. Coconut biscuits. Pretty pictures and scenes. A fun holiday. A few hours with friends. Watching a child completely absorbed in doing some inconsequential thing. Pleasant surprises. A productive day. A day just spent lazing around. Catching up with old friends. A good, stimulating debate or conversation. Your favorite show coming on TV, just as your boredom peaks. A funny ad. Celebration. Pretty lights on houses. Presents! Palm trees and beaches, not necessarily in the same place. Discovering a new song, artiste, sitcom or book. Writing, reading, talking and listening. A happy story. Shopping, and stumbling across a pretty bag, or a hair clip, or the perfect outfit. When the sun is setting behind the blue curtains of my blue room and imparts that warm, dim glow. Being awake when no one else is. Peace. Neat work; a tidy, organized room. Rediscovering a favorite toy from your childhood that you'd forgotten all about. Making lists. A beautiful morning, welcome with a hot cup. Smiles and laughs and wit and humor and a pinch of sarcasm. Being surrounded by the people I love, when I love them. A banana split sundae. Toast with butter and jam. A slice of bread slathered with nutella. Biscuits soaked in tea. A hot, steaming cup of thick hot chocolate. Caramelized apples. Any apples! The smell of coffee and rain and flowers and sunshine. Pretty boquets with liles and orchids and little white and yellow rosebuds with dewdrops on them. An overflowing fruit basket, filled to the brim with mangoes and apples and bananas and oranges and strawberries and cherries and blueberries whatnot. Strawberries and cream and chocolate! Blueberry muffins. Being dressed up all prettily, with my hair done and my heels on and my dress just right. Losing a pound (or two). Setting a new high score. Opening my eyes in the morning with a smile on my face. Closing my eyes at night with a smile. A nice, long, hot bath, complete with scented candles and bubbles. Shutting my eyes and imagining and hoping and wishing and dreaming and fantasizing. Finding that thing, or a friend texting, just when you need it most. Sitting in a corner, or on a window-seat, and reading that perfect book while it pours outside. Slowly removing the outer layer of MnM's. Long, shapely nails. Making people laugh. Laughing. Melting chocolate in my mouth while the rest of it melts in my hand. Getting wet in the rain, provided my phone is safely dry. The euphoria after a satisfying run. The sun's rays shining on me on a mountain top. Snuggling in my warm bed on a winter morning. Cuddling with my mother. A baby's laugh. A child's innocent laugh. A baby's gurgle. The smell of petrol. Lying flat on my back after a long day. Massages! The color of newly mowed lemon grass, the color of the Australian sky over the Outback. Purple and magenta and crimson and black. Serendipity and Enchantment. Henna on my hands. A trouble-free day. My mom feeding me when I'm sick. Ganging up on my parents with my brother. Finally finishing that huge mound of work. Reminiscing old memories; rediscovering long-forgotten pictures. Raindrops on windows, and drawing on a dusty windscreen. Playing with connector pens. Designing something really pretty. The taste and smell of cinnamon. British accents!

And bluebells.

Walking in that.

~Sam

June, July and August Favorites?????

I'm a horrible person, I know. I've just been so unproductive lately; I have no idea what I'm doing with my time anymore.

1. FOOTBALL- During the months of June and July, Football took over the world. I have watched the 2010 World Cup as well, but I didn't find myself being drawn towards it. However, this time, I established my loyalty to my top teams and supported them till the end. My numero uno team was Brasil, so.....*sighs* yeah, you can imagine how I must have felt when they were eliminated. I can confirm that tears were shed. That match was heart wrenching and organ gutting. I didn't sign up for this emotional torture man. I just wanted to watch a nice sport with hot men who occasionally take their shirts off. If that wasn't enough, just go on and guess who my favorite player was. Go on. Guess. Yup. Neymar. Depressed would be an understatement. I was devastated. I didn't even go to college after that. I couldn't. It was too painful. The good news is, he's A-Okay now and, not only is he back in the game, but he is the captain of the Brasilian team. I am so proud of my boy. I am so in love with him.

2. Neymar- He just deserved his own heading okay. This boy is ruining my life I swear.

3. Italian Food- This should be on my favorites all the time because I can't stop cooking or eating it. I kid you not; I can eat italian all the time.

4. Outlander- It's a Starz show that's based on a novel by Diana Gabaldon. It's basically a historical fiction and fantasy series following Claire, a nurse during World War II who travels back to 18th century Scotland. You can have high expectations knowing that it is a Starz show. If you haven't watched any shows that air on Starz, I highly recommend this and Da Vinci's Demons.

5. Anime- I've watched a lot so I think I'm just going to review it on another post.

That's all for the past few months.

This is Malko saying
Maytheforcebewithyou

Songs belong to their listeners.

You know what I really like about books and paintings and art in general, but music in particular (because I just thought of this because of Wake Me Up When September Ends)? A lot of the times, you go through a lot of emotional trauma to write that one song, whether it's about a loved one passing away or a break-up or depression or even how pretty the sky is (maybe that one isn't so emotionally traumatizing). But once that song/book/whatever is out there, it creates so many new memories for so many new people. It's completely out of your hands, the effect your art has once it's out in the world. It's a little like what John Green says about books: they belong to their readers, and once it's out, the authors have no more authority over it than the readers do. They'll interpret it on their own; they'll imagine their own futures for characters after the end of the book. But also- they'll have their own story with the book, how it spoke to them and the memories it created, the feelings it evoked.  Something that grew out of an awful experience for you might give strength to someone else, or might just be a happy karaoke memory, or background work music. Or something which you wrote on the happiest day of your life might be the song playing when a listener gets bad news. It's just weird how every single person who comes in contact with art, including the creator, has her own particular relationship with it.


~Sam

A Walk on the Terrace

You stand still as the sky moves around you,
Each dark leaf silhouetted in the midnight orange-blue.
The wind and the crickets take turns speaking to you,
Can this too be law school?

Hugging yourself, fluttering against the breeze,
On a square of terrace on one of many clustered orange buildings.
You're barely discernible from the darkness-
Only a pair of shining eyes, reflecting stars unseen.
You can feel the sky, the wind, the slow spinning of the earth,
As the clouds are shepherded by above.
A forest of trees surrounds you, protects you, beckons you.
You're alone in the world-
It's only you, and your story and adventure,
Waiting to unfold.

You stand still as the sky moves around you,
Each dark leaf silhouetted in the orange-blue.
The wind and the crickets take turns speaking to you,
And you realize- this too is law school.

~Sam

August Favourites

This has been a pretty quiet month on the favourites front (I think?? I usually have a post saved in my drafts to record favourites as they happen because I will forget them all by the end of the month, or forget whether they happened in this month or the last one (or five years ago, for that matter) but I didn't do that this month because a) nothing really stood out and b) I was lazy and overworked.).
But from what I can remember:

1) Birthday month!!!! I had a lovely birthday, more or less, and it involved a lot of chocolate, singing and trying on the most amazing (Harry-Potter themed, constellation-having) cape ever (not that I've tried on many. Or any, apart from this one), among other things unfit for public consumption. Birthday also meant that all of my friends wrote me happy mushy messages about how awesome I am, which is always good to hear about, and generally overwhelmed me with all of the love.

2) Birthday month also means that OUR BLOG IS NOW THREE YEARS OLD! Which sounds both very young and very old. I'm glad it's lasted this long, even if our frequency of posting has kind of withered. Speaking of...

3) I wrote stuff this month, after a while. It felt good. ^_^

4) Jessie wrote me a poem! It's the first poem anyone has ever written for me (of course, there will be more), and it's beautiful, and I love it, and I love her, and that is all.

5) I got (even more) posters for my room. Must redecorate and move things around to make space. X_X But now I can have a mini wall mural of baby Po to look at each morning, so it's all worth it.

6) I found (what I think are) amazing presents for some of my friends! :D

7) And got amazing presents from my friends! So many books, I'm so happy! And a lovely tshirt, and poster, and just generally good stuff.

8) I did okay at this thing I thought I would totally suck at. And decided to do this thing I thought I'd never have the courage/stupidity to do. Let's see how it works out though.

9) I went home. ^_^

10) And video-chatted with some of my lovely friends. ^_^

11) And updated my wall of memories (which is basically ticket stubs and coasters and all sorts of memorabilia stuck on my wall) and wallowed in nostalgia for a while. ^_^

12) And reached out to an old friend with whom I now have some of the loveliest email threads ever (I can't believe that only happened in the middle of this month, it feels like so much longer!). Non-work emails are the best.

13) And received and replied to a letter. ^_^ Jess, if you're reading this, I AM WORKING ON YOUR REPLY IT WILL COME SOON I SWEAR.

This is a horribly undetailed post but suffice to say that, now that I think about it, it's been an absolutely lovely month of friends and family and general joy. Touchwood.

OH, HOW COULD I FORGET, 14) I GOT AN ACTUAL DREAMCATCHER!!! Thank you Darren. The internet tells me this is not cultural appropriation so I'm just going to be an ostrich and not think about that anymore.

15) Oh, and I auditioned for a play, like I'd said I would last month! I wasn't great, but it was fun.

16) And today Doobie and I snuck into the teachers' colony and swung on the swings in their playground (the playground is for the teachers' kids, not the teachers. That would be weird. And awesome) and talked and talked and walked and the sky was a stunning blue which turned orange-y and the trees were outlined against the sky and the the swings swung gently in the breeze after we left them for the slide and see-saw, looking very beautiful and vaguely horror-movie-ish, and it was just an excellent evening, all in all.

So yes, good month. I like this favourites thing, it makes me focus on the good.

I shall leave now.

Much love to you all.
~Sam

Surfaces

At 5 a.m., having brilliantly failed at achieving a state of slumber, a picture came to my mind, of the surface of seas, hiding various life histories and dramas below, represented by various striking images. I wish I could paint so I could draw this series, I don't think my words are doing it justice, but I can't, so I wrote it as best I could.

____

The surface is clear, beautiful even. Calm and peaceful. Serene, reflecting the brilliant blue sky, the sea gulls soaring above. Perfect.
But look from a particular angle, and you will see through the surface. Down below, things aren't clear or calm, not peaceful, not serene. Anything but perfect. Down below you will not see the blue of the free sky, but the grey of a man's raised hand, the black of a woman's bowed head. You will see scared eyes peeking from behind a curtain, staring longingly at the open door. Freedom, a few footsteps away, a few lifetimes away.

Another sea, another surface. Dark, this time, reflecting innumerable shining stars. Breathtaking.
How many of those stars are dead, in the time the light has taken to reach this surface? How many blinked out, unable to take their own weight?
Under the surface, the punctures will not be the bright of stars in a black sky. No, the punctures will show other colours. The dark of grime, the crimson of despair. What colour is hopelessness? Red blood, slicing across a wrist, an ankle, a thigh, a throat.

Another day, another sea, roiling in the storm. Waves so high you cannot look through. Daunting, brave, indomitable. Stunning.
Perhaps not so below. It is calm below, calm and quiet. An undisturbed room, a made bed, a neat closet. A house not a home, pervaded only by silence. The silence of searching eyes, searching, searching, for a way out. Not all exits are blaring signs, looking to be found. Not all doors can just be walked out of. A silence of suppression, borne of years of quiet fortitude and hardening soul. A silence stunning like a slap across a bruised face.

Another dark sea, but lit bright underneath. Shining auditorium lights, brightening jeering faces, echoing harsh laughter.

A pale blue ocean, glinting with beautiful coral. Coral, which is mere decoration on armour, built of years of smiling at the face you want to punch, standing when you want to cower, of unsought battles fought with trembling, hardening fear.

A sea glinting, dancing, silver as a mermaid's tail; a surface only thinly covering the screams renting the air, the hand forcing legs apart. The tears squeezed from shut eyes, the nails tearing the thick skin on scarred palms, the memories relived.

Dull grey water, but what brilliance below. The shingled sea-fish swimming astray, the weeds waving in glee. A stingray, bemused smile permanent on its face; a jolly dolphin passing through.

Green, frolicking, choppy waves, pushing against a cliff; a dancer's soul beneath, legs poised, body prepared, arms high for a battle of ballet.

What is below your surface?

~Sam

Despondent

I don't even have anything to say,
Just a feeling of sadness which won't go away.
Juvenile rhymes give me a moment of gladness,
But even my closest friends can't stem this sadness.
Like a wave it crashes over me,
Like the sea it just gets to me.

It's silly, the reason this started at all,
But isn't that always the way sadness falls?
I'm lonely, I'm inadequate, I'm stupidly insecure,
And all my friends are on far distant shores.
The despondency just crashes over me.
Indomitable as the ocean, it just gets to me.

Funny

Funny how quickly we get used to things,
The atmosphere of deceit and pretense,
The new classroom,
The new year.
It's only when you realize you've been writing the year as 2011 for days now,
Lost in an inattentive haze, that you notice how much has changed.
How much you've got used to.
Funny how we are all unique,
And all uniform-
How unaccommodating the world is to anyone truly unique,
To anyone different, abnormal.
To a long-haired man.
Funny how intensely private I am about my writing,
Even as I hope the world sees it.
And funny how one of the most common blessings around here
Translates literally to "keep living."
Because isn't that the most difficult thing of them all.

____

Insecurity.
The way you pull down your shirt as you stand to leave,
Chin up, eyes down, lips pursed. Unseeing.
Insecurity.
The way you eyes touch the ground softly,
Harden against others' faces.
Defensive against an attack which hasn't even been considered.
Insecurity.
Nose in a book, shunning them before they can shun you,
Ignoring the happy chatter you didn't even try to be invited to.
Insecurity.
The way you're the first to laugh at yourself,
When that much-awaited attack does come.

The way you cut yourself,
Before they can cut you.


~Sam

Oblivious to Reality

My greatest fear, is that one day I may realize that I was never as good, or smart, or attractive, or fun, or nice, or kind as I thought I was. Even if all of those measures were only a little; I was never any of them. I may wake up one morning, to what might be the actual reality, that I'm not even the slightest of those things, and that I've been living a lie. All that I've been looking forward to, would never happen because, I was too oblivious to see the truth.

-Malko

July Favourites

It's been a long, happy month (except the last week, that kind of sucked) of simple pleasures and awesome new experiences; spontaneous, impulsive decisions, largely consisting of unplanned hours of unproductivity and happiness. Though I really must get back to the working life.

1. MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING! Incredible slowly, but it's comin'!

2. Hot chocolate and cardigan weather. <3 This amazing white crop sweater I saw someone wearing, with NERD written on the front in pink or red or something. So simple, so attractive. My new long blue skirt. Long skirts, generally. Watching "Begin Again"! I love that movie. And its soundtrack. God bless ya, Noelly, for telling me about it. Other good songs, generally. Playing childhood games and just..being happy with friends. It's all one needs, really. And also childhood music. I listened to Hilary Duff again after like five years and relived that entire phase and it was so nostalgic and happy. And Jesse McCartney, so much Jesse Mccartney, and Enrique Iglesias and Ricky Martin and The Ketchup Song! Ah, youth. :')

3. Baby love! It started with cooing over adorable footballer babies (seriously have you even seen Thiago Messi's cheeks what are they), and then I spent a happy afternoon hour playing with a random one year old my friends and I found near her house. She was so delighted with the simple act of throwing a pencil away and getting it fetched back for her, the cute little destructive dictator, it was adorable. And then called me the vernacular word for elder sister and I just melted. Baby ^_^

4.  We redid our room, and I finally have a mattress on the floor, thus fulfilling my lifelong dream and aspiration (I will now stop calling it that, I swear). Also I have a view of my desk from my spot on the bed, which is nice. There's something about looking at a desk and a chair which appeals to me. That, and pictures of pathways leading to pretty places. Anyway, desk in question is surrounded by various memorabilia I've collected over the past couple years, so that's nice too. And I can finally see my posters from this end of the room! They're on the wall on what used to be my side of the room, except I usually had my back to that wall and so never really got to appreciate them. Man, I have good taste. And we finally got rid of the bunk bed (which is never something I thought I'd want to do, but whatever), and our room is now unbelievably bright. And so much homelier!  Yay!

5. I went karaoke-ing (?) for the first time in my life, and IT WAS SO AMAZING I LOVE IT! I even sang! With the mic a safe distance from my discordant voice, of course, we wanted to have fun, not scar people.

6. I participated in a reading of the play Baklavia, by D.M Larson, available here, which was so much fun! The play itself is awesome-about a pastry factory which declares itself a new country because the government has increased taxes-and reading out the parts in character was crazy fun. I played Clenious, a strange cousin who sings a lot- the strangeness I could handle, the singing was horrible, but it was an amazing experience in general, lots of laughing and innuendoes and happiness, so it didn't even matter that I didn't know any tunes. I fully intend to audition the next time a play is staged here; let's hope it works out!

7. The month got a little less awesome towards the end because I felt like a fail person in life for a number of reasons and was generally emo and needy. Getting quick reassurances from my friends that I was an awesome person (no idea why I even doubted it) was amazing. Special shout out to Anne for the call (and generous spending of balance :P), Elly for the timely "hi" and for generally listening to my ranting so much this week, and to my Empathy Horses for the Korean hand heart and the animal smileys and the "of course you're awesome what is wrong with you" and the general love. Thanks, you guys. You're the best. <3 #goop


Much love,
~Sam

Note to self: Find and use synonyms for amazing. 

Unsolicited Advice [A Work in Progress]

Be honest.
And be genuine-
Two different, important things.
Be unapologetic,
I repeat: be unapologetic,
Except where you feel you have done wrong.
Then apologise and move on.
Be strong.
And that means crying and calling for help
When you need to.
Be self-assured,

Because no amount of beauty or wit

Can match the knowledge that their judgement does not matter.

Be free.

But remember the soul of liberty is in its restrictions.
Believe
And stop putting yourself down before anyone else can.
Because no one can truly put you down except you.
Think and laugh and breathe and cry
For life is short and you won't even know it till it's over.

~Sam

Mum

This is not very well written but I love my mom and she deserves a poem okay.

She'll tut at my long nails and coloured hair,
And worry for five whole minutes about a safety pin poking me.
She'll sing disgusting old songs to get me out of bed

And call my six foot four inch brother her little baby.

It'll pinch like betrayal the first time she leaves me alone,
But she'll take even my hate if that's what's needed to prepare me for this world.
Though who am I kidding- I could never hate her,
(No matter how I might rant and rave that she doesn't understand,

That she never understood)

She'll always be my home.

~Sam

Look, a Liebster! [Incomplete]

[This is incomplete; Malko hasn't answered the questions and we haven't nominated other bloggers or asked them questions, but this post has been sitting in my drafts box so long, I'm tired of looking at it.]

Hi everyone. ^_^
We got a blog-award-thingy! Called a Liebster! From an actual person we do not know but who appreciates our writing and follows our blog anyway! Woohoo! Thank you so much for giving this to us. :)
A bit of info about the award: It's given by bloggers, to bloggers, specifically,those with less than 200 followers. The nominated bloggers need to answer a few questions asked by the nominator, and in turn give the award (and ask questions) to ten other bloggers. The questions we were asked are:

1. Who is your favourite author?
Sam: Argh, I can't pick one. Not even inside my head. But off the top of my head, I've recently really appreciated Gillian Flynn, Douglas Adams, John Green and Markus Zusak. 

2. Why do you have a blog?
Sam: Mainly because I enjoy writing, and this allows me to pen down thoughts which I consider worth preserving, and which would otherwise have flitted in and out of my head unrecorded. Also for venting purposes, and trying to figure out my head. 

3. What's your favourite word?
Sam: I *suck* at favourite questions. Absolutely suck at them. To prove how impossible it is for me to answer this question: my friends and I once made a list of all the words we really, really like. It was hundreds of words long. I CANNOT PICK ONE. But thank you for reminding me of that memory. :') 

4. Which one would you prefer-school or college?
Sam: Grade 11 and 12 have been the best years of my life so far. So I suppose I would pick school, at this point. 

5. Which fictional character inspires you the most?
Sam: Ah, good question. ...which is a nice way of saying that I don't have an answer. I will think about this deeply and get back to you, though (if I remember to). 

6. Which real-life figure inspires you the most?
Sam: I actually had thought of a really inspiring person the other day, but I forgot who it was so I guess s/he didn't have that much of an influence after all. I'm more inspired by qualities-love, loyalty, kindness, etc.-than by people, though. Off the top of my head: my grandfather. He isn't perfect, but he's a damn good human being. 

7. Do you believe in democracy?
Sam: Another excellent question with a difficult answer. Right now, my answer would be: not really. But I think it's the best available option. 

8. Do you think you're important?
Sam: My heart says yes and my mind is sleepy, so yes. I think I'm important to the people in my life. And that's enough.

9. Do you believe in luck, and why?

Sam: Yes, because I've been lucky, and unlucky, and the universe is arbitrary. I shall rely on a quote here for further elaboration: “..It happens every day. When the lightning strikes a minute after you are gone or an airplane crashes that you might have been on. When your colleague falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of the whole…” -Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

10. What is your favorite food item?
Sam: At the moment, I would go with bread. I love breads. 

~Sam

June Favourites

It's been a long, complicated month. Here are the things I liked.

1. JAMUN. SO MANY JAMUN. What do you even call jamun in English? Oh. That. But anyway. SO TASTY. And healthy. These can't be real. But they are.

2. Mangoes. As dear to me as jamun, mangoes are the second of the three things which make summer bearable for me. More than bearable-they actually make me look forward to the withering heat.

3. It's the AC, the third and final thing on my list of Happy Summer Items, which actually makes summer bearable.

4. Daughter of Smoke and Bone. I think Malko has already mentioned these here, but I read the trilogy this month and the books are so good. Young adult, fantasy, and very engrossing. Reading, in general, has been a lovely highlight this month. I also read If I Stay, and its sequel, Where She Went, which I also liked very much. (Yes, it's been a month of YA.)

5. Sleeping in. The sweet joy of breakfast and lunch being the same meal. And I'm not talking about brunch. (Though brunch is nice too.)

6. I got a couple of streaks of "magenta red" in my hair. I love them! More or less. There was a moment in there, after a few days of euphoria, when I was just, meh. It just drove home the realization that I should never get a permanent tattoo because I'd probably move on from it in like 6 months and spend the rest of my life in a state of "oops."

7. All my classes are supposed to be super boring this term, and in an effort to make them as interesting as I possibly can, I BOUGHT COLOURFUL STATIONERY! Pretty notebooks and thin-line sketch-pens to write notes with. Ah, stationery :')

~Sam 

Safety

Safety seems to be a commodity as much as jewellery is- and just as inaccessible.

Safety is having a closed door behind a closed gate in a "good" part of town. Safety is having a car to move around in. Safety is not having to take the deserted bus at night. Safety is having pepper spray, being able to afford those self-defence lessons. Safety is being able to avoid dangerous situations, like a midnight run to a "washroom" out in the fields.

Safety is expensive.

~Sam

Two minute "poetry"

I remember a scene from St. Clare's
Or was it Malory Towers?
One of those Enid Blyton books.
Where a character, a French girl,
Wants to get out of class
And decides to fake a stomach ache-
Only to point to her heart instead.
Or maybe it was the opposite,
And she mistook stomach for heart.
Either way, the point stands-
That there is such an odd connection between the two.
Butterflies in your stomach
Usually signify trouble for that racing heart,
And nothing causes nausea as bad as impending heartache.
My heart will miss my family when I leave
And my eyes will cry and my throat will be sore
But it's my stomach which will be the first to get troubled.

It's my stomach which has become the first to get troubled.

~Sam

And we danced all night, to the best song ever!

Yes, I occasionally listen to One Direction.
Best Song Ever is actually the second most listened to song on my playlist, courtesy a night of frantic working to which it provided the background music.
I even go on a Taylor Swift spree at times.
I have the posters of six famous paintings on my wall, and I couldn't tell you the name or artist of more than one.
I read young adult-and worse, I enjoy it, in a way I never enjoyed Lolita or The Fountainhead.
I make grammatical errors, while correcting others'.
I used to typ lyk dis unironically.

Go ahead, judge me on that.
But know that you are judging me on that which means nothing at all-
And I say this as a person who loves music and art and writing and reading-
That means nothing at all.

If you want to judge me,
Judge me instead on the manner in which I snap at my mother,
When I think she doesn't understand me.
Or the way in which I go, tail between legs, and hug her,
When I remember that she understood me before I even knew myself.
Judge me for being so arrogant, and having so many self-esteem issues,
All in the span of a single thought.
Judge me for what I preach and believe in, and what I continue to practice-
For those being two separate things.
For my weakness, when I go get waxed anyway-
For not being strong enough on my own.
Judge me for what affects me, what angers me, what shames me
What causes conflict, what makes me laugh and what leaves me cold.
For crying for a Titanic but averting my eyes from Iraq.
Judge me on the manner in which I judge others.
I'm a horrible person and I'm a wonderful person,
But you won't know which until you judge me on something which matters.



~Sam

Where are we going?

We go step through painful step, hoping to one day make a stairway to heaven. Not knowing where it leads, not knowing whose heaven it is we're so painstakingly heading toward.
Just climbing, climbing, climbing.

But is a fall, a break to enjoy the view, to get your bearings, so bad?

I used to want to change the world. I wanted to be remembered, I wanted to torture students by going down in history with my difficult name, I wanted to be more than one face in seven billion. I still want to make a difference, but with regard to the rest of it, I'm beginning to wonder...why?

Success is so valued in society today-and since forever, I suppose-that it seems crazy to write about failure not being all that bad. For all our talk about someone only failing when they give up, failure as a stepping stone, failure as a part of life, the message that it's okay to fail never seems to really filter in. That failure is natural, necessary-that there must always be a loser-is all fine in theory, as long as that loser is not you. Which is okay, which makes sense. We survive because we strive to succeed, to do better, eat more, sleep softer. But isn't there a point where enjoying what you have should be more than enough, where you can...not be stigmaitzed by failure?

Can there be joy in being average? I see it like this: there are different levels of the atmosphere, where you push against pressure and gravity and all that is against you-but after that there is space. Free and floaty and content and happy. Now whether you go fifty light years away or five hundred, you are still going to be in space. But we don't seem to see that: we don't enjoy the feeling of space, hard-won in the battle against the atmosphere. It's like at every level you're just striving to be more, in whatever level of the atmosphere you are, whether it's a peon trying to be a general manager or a GM trying to be a CEO. And at each level, you get used to it and you start having problems. From not being able to eat out as much as you want to, or to be able to vacation in Italy, to the WiFi malfunctioning.We just keep moving. Keep fighting to go further and further in, even if nothing changes anymore. Even if, after a while, the energy spent in moving further far outweighs any pleasure received from it.

I know that as a human race, we've come this far, however far that is, because of this urge for more and more, even if you're happy here and now, you must want more. And that's cool, it keeps us alive. But when so many of us have moved past struggling to survive to eating cake everyday, perhaps it's time we stood still for a while, stopped hankering for more, enjoyed our immense privilege and helped the others catch up with us.


~Sam
PS: I do realize that these feelings are not universal, although I have made it sound that way in my writing.

April and May favorites

These two months were pretty dull because I had exams in April and May was just hot man. It's too hot here in Hyderabad. So once again I am combining two months in one favorites.

1. The Air Conditioner- I am so so so thankful to my AC, because I honestly would have died without it.
2. My Bed. I am not even exaggerating if I say I spend 23.5 hours a day on my bed. I sleep in it, sit(more like slouch in it) when I'm on the laptop or reading and that's basically it. That is all that I am doing right now.
3. Shorts and those pants which are ultimately breezy. I can't with jeans and skinnies right now. I just can't.

Well that's about it.

ThisisMalkosaying
Maytheforcebewithyou

Why Facebook Pisses Me Off

ughbbbbbbvddgdhhjjj. Those were the actual noises I made while sitting up from my regular slouching position. I was rewarded with a fresh dosage of cramps from my morning workout. I woke up before 2 p.m. today, so that's an accomplishment.

 Something that really bothers me is social network conversations. You're pretty good friends and post on each others walls; I can try and understand that, even though I don't particularly enjoy engaging via such methods. I mean, it's called "Social Networking" right? It is not your planner. Now don't get me wrong, there it is absolutely okay to post a picture of yourself and caption it with fun things once in a while, but seriously there's a limit.
 So if you're really good friends with someone, and you talk everyday, I would assume that it gets tedious to converse through Facebook and that you must have exchanged phone  numbers at some point. You were friends for years, you have their number, SO WHY DON'T YOU TEXT THEM ABOUT YOUR PLANS INSTEAD OF DISCUSSING THEM ON FACEBOOK. I honestly don't understand this. It's like they NEED to let everyone know their plans. "Text me omg I need to tell you something so bad!" *Annoyed laugh* See now THIS-this really pisses me off. For fucks sake just text them about it. Are you that socially dependent to let everyone know? I DON'T WANT TO SEE HOW YOUR CONVERSATIONS LOOK LIKE ON FACEBOOK THAT'S WHY THEY INVENTED PHONES OR EVEN INBOXES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Yes, inboxes. If you absolutely must use Facebook to exchange conversations for some reason, inbox please. 
  If I were to voluntarily follow a blog, then it's acceptable, but I honestly do not want to see by the minute updates on Facebook. Don't get all hate mode on me saying "People can do what they want..blah blah blah"; yes they can. But that doesn't mean you don't owe it to yourself and the world to be the most reasonable(intelligent) version of yourselves so that you can effectively manage your social networks in a manner that isn't unpleasant.  I follow you on twitter to receive updates. Even if it is by the second. That is fine, because I-ME- chose to follow you. Just don't do it on Facebook? I don't want to unfriend 100 of you. I don't want to be mean, I really don't(Okay, I try not to anyway). So please, use the social media wisely. Don't be that person.

May Favourites!

1. I'm living up to at least some of my resolutions! Yay!
2. Eleanor and Park. It was beautiful.
3. Finally figuring out that, as per Pottermore, I'm a Hufflepuff with a hard ash wand, unicorn core, ten and three-fourth inches. And a Siamese cat as a pet! YAY! ^_^
4. A bunch of Americans have come over for their summer program. Hanging out with them (and missing classes, heehee) has been so awesome!
5. Food and dressing up. Always amazing.
6. Hannibal (the TV show). So disturbing, but so good.

Feeling like exclamations,
~Sam!

It Matters

"You can wear that at home but not outside. It's a little tight around the chest." I know our parents are trying to protect us by saying these things because the world will stare if our boobs are noticeable. Well I'm sorry I have boobs. What do you want me to do? Wrap myself around my chest so that I'll look flat; so that there's nothing to see? Is it my fault that I have this part of my body? I have hair, should I control that too? Is my hair asking to be eye raped? I may not be a victim of rape but I am a victim of eye rape, name calling and disturbing gestures and flashing. Excuse you, I did not ask to see your dick. Put it back in your pants. Unless you have my consent, you will not dare try to come forward. I can have sex whenever I want to and with whomever, but if you for a second think that you have the right to assume that it's okay to push me, if I'm not in the mood or if I say no, think again. That is rape. If your partner says that they're not in the mood, back off. It doesn't matter if you've been together for ten days or ten years. No means NO.
 "Hey girls, go back to the kitchen. HaHaHa...... that was a joke, don't get so offended." Oh I'm sorry, I fail to understand your joke; you have a shit sense of humor. A few years ago I probably would've brushed this off. This is because I grew up thinking that this is how things are and I just have to live with it. As I started to get older, I have seen and experienced a number of things and I realized that it shouldn't be like this. We shouldn't have to live this way because some men can't put it in their fucking pants. No, I'm not secretly hiding the fact that I've been raped or assaulted, but that doesn't mean the other things don't matter. As long as I'm a woman stepping outside and fear for my safety because I've been followed around by a man looking at me like I'm a piece of meat for an entire block, it matters. It matters that my friend and I have to think twice about going on a vacation by ourselves without a male friend, because the only way you can be absolutely safe is when you have a man whom you know by your side. That is the only way you're not dangled like a pinata ready to be attacked. It matters that I have to hold my shirt up, if it slides down my neck while sitting in an auto, so that I don't get glances by the auto driver from his mirror. It matters that if you've been harassed and you ask them to stop, the only way they will stop is if they see a man around you.
 These may seem like such trivial things to some, but even an ocean is made up of tiny drops and if it hinders the way I would like to live my life, it definitely matters.
So the next time you want to say things like "Dude I raped my paper", think again, or "I'm so fucked, I'm going to be raped", think again, or "I'm going to rape their case", think again. I am not a prude for thinking this. And if you think I'm getting too worked up about it or exaggerating, go fuck yourself, because it all matters.

Procrastination

Facebook, twitter, tumblr, blogger
Not necessarily in that order.
Staring out the window, at the screen,
Refreshing snapchat, taking a selfie.
Checking whatsapp even with no notification,
All is intriguing when it comes to procrastination.
And even with no people, no laptop, no phone-
There are always those split ends you can rely on.

~Sam
Please don't judge me, I wrote this in under five minutes. (I was trying not to procrastinate too long.)

April Favourites

1. Feels. This has, for some reason, been a month of intense boyfriend feels and binging on uber-romantic songs hasn't really helped. I don't know if this is a favourite: it's more just a beautiful, painful thing that happened, though the songs were nice I suppose. This post from The Strangers Project only made things worse-though it was amazing to know that such things exist outside of my head as well.

2. TIC TAC! I love tic tac, and keep forgetting about its existence for extended periods of time, until I see it sitting innocuously by some cash counter and pounce on it with all my might, and then proceed to eat a box in an hour. Whatever, moderation is overrated anyway.

3. My wifi now functions on my phone well enough to do more than send one whatsapp message an hour. This is amazing.

4. Talking to old friends. This is always a yay activity, and this time was no different. I love you guys. ^_^

5. The weather improved, somewhat. YAY RAINS. Rain? Rains?

6. Introspection and stuff. What am I doing with my life? Is this really how I want to live my life? Do I really not want to make stereotypical stupid college mistakes? The introspection bit itself was kind of sucky, but it was preceded and followed by some nice bonding moments, so I think it deserves a spot here.

7. Going back to hyperboleandahalf and reading some old posts I hadn't yet read.

8. Continued sense of accomplishment, from continued overload of work.

9. Some things I wished for in one of my earlier posts actually kind of came true in some distant part of the world!

~Sam

Right Here, Right Now

Currently Listening to: Monsoon by Tokio Hotel(Yes, it's throwback day!)
Currently Obsessed with: I Just Died by Bastille, Between the Bars by Elliott Smith, Mirror Without by Royal Wood, Chocolate by The 1975
Current Mood: Wanderment( It's a colloquial word. It exists.)



ThisisMalkosaying
Maytheforcebewithyou(Forget force, only the heat is with me right now -.-)

Commercialization of the Music Industry

Commerce has found a way to weave into every single industry that has ever been introduced into the society. Alas, the Music Industry was no such exception. Commercialization was inevitable since its inception. It is in the very nature of the word 'Commerce'. To someone who just listens to the music, it is as simple as listening to it on the radio, watching music videos on the television, or going out and buying the cd. However, it goes far beyond this simple assumption. What really happens behind the scenes? Only artists and their respective record companies know exactly. To a naive artist who has just entered the industry, it is a place that holds the key to their future; promising all of their dreams and aspirations, but little do they know what is actually in store for them.

One small compromise is all it takes. Once the first compromise has been made, they unknowingly get pulled into the trap. They tell themselves that the compromise is necessary to pave the path of their career, and they might not be wrong at the time. But one compromise leads to another, which leads to another until they become the record company's personal monkeys. Artists are pulled into their trap ever so carefully that they probably don't even realize that they are doing something against their will. Big shot record labels have a way of convincing artists that they are independent artists irrespective of being signed. However, artists like Ed Sheeran have found ways to step out the rat-trap and tell off the labels. The Grammy Nominee released a track called  'You Need Me, I Don't Need You', in which he sings about how artists make the record companies what they are, and not the other way around. He goes on to talk about the defiance of norms set by the music industry. Another band, 30 Seconds to Mars have released an album called 'This Is War' addressing an unfair damage suit. Their record label, Virgin Records, filed a suit of $30 million in damages against the band, claiming that they failed to produce three of the five records they were obligated to deliver. The amount of ridicule in the above statement is unfathomable. Is this what the music industry has come down to? Taking undue advantage of the artists that make the company; not providing them with the freedom and liberation they require, is not the way to go. It has come to be that, even though they sing, their voices are being silenced. 

Brain Surgery

I wish you could do plastic surgery on your brain.
Erase memories, add intelligence.
Maybe add some thicker skin-
Sensitivity is so much more attractive in others.
It just seems to be painful in oneself,
This ability to feel and empathize and notice and relate.
I wish you could do plastic surgery on your brain.
Add total self-awareness, or none at all,
This middle path really isn't working out for me.
And an off switch-that's the most important one of all-
The ability to just shut it off and go into auto mode.
We need an auto mode.
I wish you could do plastic surgery on your brain.
Fix things so we actually were the rational beings Economics thinks us to be.
A simple cost-benefit analysis- and all our questions answered.
Who needs feelings anyway?
All they've ever done is complicate-
And add joy and sorrow and depth and humanity,
And make the human experience human-
But who needs humanity anyway?

~Sam

February and March Favourites:Malko

1. The Tomorrow People. I had a major geek moment when I found out about the premiere of the Scifi show on The CW. An entire show based on the concept of Teleportation, Telekinesis and Telepathy? Yeah you got me. Plus, I'm a sucker for CW shows, because ALL of them are hot.

2.My Sister's Wedding- It was simple, but grand, just the way we wanted it. It was annoying at times. but that happens when you're planning an event. On the whole it was brilliant. My BIL is amazing. I get the royal treatment, for which I will not complain.

3.Macaroni and Cheese- This isn't new or anything, but my uncle bought a LOT of boxes before coming to India for the wedding, so I'm good to go for the next few months. Macaroni and Cheese always makes me feel nostalgic.

4.The rest of the Codex Alera series. It's so great. It keeps getting better.The amount of action and awesomeness keeps increasing as the series progresses. Unfortunately, I am almost done with the series. I'm in the last book. I already know the major spoilers(I have a problem; I'm telling you. My brain tricks me into "accidently"  revealing the spoilers to myself), but it'll still be different when I'm actually reading and the thought of the series ending makes me sad.

5. Speaking of books, I got a Kindle Paperwhite! Courtesy of my wonderful Brother in Law. He wanted to get me an electric guitar but I refused. IT WAS TOO MUCH! My brain couldn't fathom it. Plus there's no point now. I don't have a band. Or anyone to jam with; it truly sucks. A Kindle was something I could actually use. i couldn't buy ALL the books I wanted to read. Some of them I just wanted to read and not own as hard copies. The reading experience of a Kindle is wonderful. It's not an actual book, I know, but like I said, you can't possibly have hard copies of all the books you want to read. I highly recommend this product.

That is all folks.

ThisisMalkosaying,
Maytheforcebewithyou.

March Favourites-Sam

1. Good times with friends, even if some of them were caused by or resulted in bad situations.
2. A sense of accomplishment, even though caused by having way too much work and no choice but to do it.
...I think that's about it, actually, for now. It's been a bad month.

~Sam

Bad.

Why do bad things happen to good people?
Is it arrogant, bad to believe you're a good person,
Or but natural?
Don't challenge the universe, I tell people.
Don't ask, "What's the worst that could happen?"
I don't challenge the universe, I don't ask.
The worst happens.
Be good, be nice, don't jinx it. Touchwood.
It's jinxed anyway.

Why do bad things happen all together?
One, then another, then another-
Perhaps it will end now, maybe dawn will come now-
But no, darkness continues its reign,
Intensifies further,
Till you forget there ever was light.
Good vanquished by bad,
Like eraser on pencil-
Nay, worse, like fire on paper-
Not a trace of the beauty of the pencilled words
Left behind.


~Sam

February Favourites: Sam

1. Trashy historical romances which need not be named, but were a fun addition to my holiday reading, as were Douglas Adams and Kazuo Ishiguro.

2. Grandma's food, and loads of sweets. Clearly, this has been a month of indulgence. WHICH IS SO AWESOME GUYS INDULGENCE IS THE BEST.

3. House, House, House! I'm watching it after nearly three years, and while I'm beginning to realize the accuracy of everyone's complaints about the predictability of each episode, it remains one of my favourite shows.

4. Cooking! Basic. Very basic. Okay, so I made tea. And maggi. BUT IT WAS ON A GAS STOVE AND LIKE TASTED GOOD AND ALL AND THAT IS AN ACHIEVEMENT FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME OKAY.

5. Frozen! I finally watched the movie, and I liked it very much. There has been much feminist back-and-forth-ing about whether it is a feminist step forward from Disney or not, but I just saw it as another nice Disney movie? Either way, I enjoyed it.

6. My new phone. I think I'm in love.

That's about all that I can think of right now. Till next month!
~Sam

Sleeping Beauty, Revisited: Part I

A long time ago, I came up with a few lines with which I wanted to begin a story, and wrote a post about it. A few months later, I did end up writing a part of the story, but then got stuck, and haven't continued it since. In an attempt to kick start my lazy brain into doing something about it, I figured I'd put the part I'd already written up here with the promise to add more by next week. So here's hoping I can actually stick to deadlines set by myself. And here's the story. 

___

Disclaimer: I know nothing about the medical profession, as you will soon find out. All medical-related things are purely a figment of my imagination. Also, cliched as it is, a coma was the closest thing I could find to a curse, and the treatment the closest to the Prince's kiss. Despite these shortcomings though, I hope you enjoy this. 

_____

Sometimes you wake up and you just know that you've been asleep for long-longer than you'd imagined, longer than you'd wanted. When I opened my eyes, it felt like months had passed.

In a little while, I was to find that they had.

_____

Squinting up at the concerned faces, outlined by brightly lit halos, I tried to figure out why I felt so bleary.

Images came to my mind, of crashing and smashing, sounds of glass tinkling and voices screaming. Oh. That's why. The accident. 

"Oh, Raina! You're awake!" 

"Oh, thank god!"

"My baby, my baby!"
People spoke and cried and laughed and generally emanated an air of hysterical relief. My mother fluttered around me, hugged me, then, ever thoughtful, turned around and hugged the young doctor standing nearby. "Thank you, thank you! You did what no one else could. Thank you!"

The doctor smiled, glanced at my stats and, apparently satisfied, excused himself, looking more enthusiastic about my awakening than was normal, I thought. But wait, what had he done that no one else could? How badly had I been injured?

Pretty badly, I was soon told. I'd been in a coma for six months (six months!). I'd missed my twenty sixth birthday! More importantly, I'd remained in a coma despite every doctor trying every treatment on me, until they had thought they had no hope. Until, that is, Dr. Taylor found them. Young and quiet, he brought with him a new treatment and a promise to bring me back into the conscious world. The only catch was, the treatment was still in the testing stage. It worked by sending impulses to various parts of the body, trying to imitate the impulses sent when the body was conscious. My mouth, therefore, was sent impulses to make it eat, kiss, taste, swallow; my hand to clench, relax, tap, stir. This artificial sending of impulses slowly stirred the brain, reminding it of its duties and eventually making it conscious again. Pushed into a corner with a choice between turning me into a guinea pig or letting me rot away in a coma forever, my parents opted for the former, and a month later, I opened my eyes to the world once again. 

_____

I remained at the hospital for another two weeks, under observation and so that I could narrate my experience to Dr. Taylor-a task he did not find easy, for I asked as much as I answered.

"So wait, when you send an impulse to my mouth to kiss, what happens? Do I just try to smooch thin air or something?" I tried to wrap my head around that image, and failed.

Dr. Taylor-or Jake, as I'd taken to calling him, unasked (on the logic that if I was sharing some of my most intimate experiences with someone, I had the right to call him by his first name)-sighed wearily, the first sign of impatience I'd seen in the man. "Something of the sort. When we send an impulse to eat, for example, your mouth salivates and moves in a chewing motion."

"...so I basically spent a month kissing air?"

"...I wouldn't put it that way..."

"How would you put it?"

"...well, I suppose you did spend a month kissing air."

"Huh. So if someone had put their mouth to mine then, I would've kissed them?"
"...I don't know, Miss Williams. That was not a part of my experimental process. If you ever require my treatment again, however, be assured that I will check." Huh. The man had a sarcastic side, who'd have thunk it?

"...was it a french kiss or a normal one?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"The impulse. What type of kiss did it want me to do? Was my tongue waving around in the air as well?"

This time, he didn't even try to answer me. Giving me a level stare, he repeated the question he'd asked before I'd diverted onto more interesting topics. I grinned and answered dutifully, figuring I'd pushed him enough for a day.