Sunday, May 31, 2015

May Favourites

I will not be late this time. I will not be late this time. I will not be late this time.
I AM NOT LATE THIS TIME. :D

  1. The Photograph video. The expression and feelings I had watching this will probably only be repeated when I'm watching my own child take her first steps.
  2. Doobie. Idk if you read this,  and I've told you irl, but thank you for being in my life, okay? Now go work, bye.
  3. That questionnaire. (Okay, I wrote this at some point at the beginning of the month and now I have no idea what I was referring to.) 
  4. Writing! And rereading some of my old stuff, and actually liking parts of it. 
  5. Kintsugi. The lyrics and the music and the voice and my state of mind just blended in together to make one of the most beautiful listening experiences I've had in a while. 
  6. Cleaning and listening to more beautiful music
  7. 20.05.15. Going to the cute pizza place with amazing pizza and a furry carpet of a pet dog, getting drenched in the rain and clinging to sanity by discussing in great detail the plot of Race Gurram, cleaning the entire room and getting that lovely letter from Doobie. 
  8. This epic wordplay in one of my papers, about how the prima facie standard seems quite low on the face of it. That entire paper, actually, maybe. 
  9. A, and breakfast and books and coffee and clothes, and a lovely day. 
  10. Pretty clothes! Formal skirts and blouses!! 
  11. Mum. 
Now I'm going to go back to ignoring the soft pleas of my beautiful unread novels, and try to get some work done. Wish me luck. 
~Sam 


Thursday, May 21, 2015

What's your skill-set?

A couple days ago, V was telling me about her fears of how we would survive a zombie apocalypse, and while talking to her about how I'd probably die in ~5 seconds given my total and utter lack of survival skills, I was hit by an arguably more worrisome thought: my total and utter lack of life skills. I don't know how to drive, or cook; I don't think I've ever been introduced to the concept of saving money; what are taxes even; I cannot sell myself for a job; I clam up in interviews and around strangers and somehow appear as arrogant when that is usually the farthest from who I am; I am some confused liberal feminist person who makes largely conservative choices and isn't very sure of her opinions so I don't really fit in with the liberals or the conservatives and have issues with everyone on the planet basically; I am so confused about myself and my feelings and who I am and who I should be and all that jazz; I am chronically indecisive and also really lazy and basically what I'm saying is that I'm not too concerned about how I'm going to survive the eventual zombie apocalypse because at this point I don't even know how I'm going to survive life.


~Sam 

For You

"Dear You,

Today my pen stopped working, and I finally got the courage to write how I feel about you. I checked three times to make sure it really had stopped working, scribbling inklessly across pages and pages, ensuring it wouldn't betray me with ink at the last moment. It didn't work, and the haunting (evocative? beautiful?) music played on, and it really was too dramatic a moment to pass by, and so I wrote. I wrote that I loved you, and that I was a fool, and I wondered to the still-blank sheet why I must be like this. I wrote that you were beautiful, and I was not, but it would be the same even if it was any other way, if I was beautiful and you were not, or we both were, or we both were not- because I would still be in love, and you would not. The sheet listened, oh it listened like you never could, absorbing every word, and leaving just enough of an impression to show it was listening, and I wrote everything, I said it all. And then I rubbed the sheet out gently, rubbed out every indention of my emotions, rubbed till my hand was warm and the paper was smooth and every slightest trace of my love gone. 

And now I've confessed all I felt, and all I'm left with is a blank sheet and a pen which does not work.

Love,
Me." 

What Am I Doing?

What am I doing?
I open up your chat window
And stare at it quietly
Praying, craving, wishing, hoping
You'll say something
(SAY SOMETHING)
I scream at you internally
Not a flicker of emotion crossing my face.

What am I doing?
I eat a slice of pizza
I really don't need
While I flick through your pictures
Again- nothing new, but old is still gold
There's the funny one, the cute one, the hot one
Same things, same place, same order
Nothing has changed.

What am I doing?
I chat with your friend,
Your mom, your dad, your girlfriend
All the while glowering at your picture
Waiting for you to say something
A link, a rant, a picture, a hi
I'll take anything
Just say something.


~Emo Sam Part III

Monday, May 18, 2015

Click

Something just clicked
As I talked to you that last time
And things that were floating
Settled once more into reality
As I wondered why
I was spending so much time and energy
Effort and emotion
On someone who wasn't even real.
~Emo Sam Part II

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The Culvert

I spanned across a little stream, carrying people from one place in life to another, from joy to sorrow, or sorrow to ecstasy, births to funerals to airports and planes, or simply from home to work and work to home again. Footsteps stumbled by all day, never stopping, never seeing--but sometimes the crowds thinned, the walking slowed and the eyes met. That was when the stories were made.

There was the brown-haired man who walked with a Lily in the mornings and a Rose in the evenings, who kissed both and loved neither, but who stood in the afternoons with his mother, feeding pigeons and sharing smiles. There was the mother, who looked back every time they parted, who knew exactly what her son was - and who he was capable of being.

There was the man with the stained shirt and the happy heart, whose wife ran after him daily, infallibly, for she had forgotten to give him his lunch, and he had forgotten to take it. He turned around, remembering, just as she came panting behind him- both pairs of eyes rolling in exasperation, both pairs of lips upturned in secret delight. A more synchronized dance I had never seen.

There was the white-toothed woman who was more capricious than a diamond in the sparkling sunlight. Never was there a more vivacious imp than her in company, but she seemed dulled to coal whenever she came to me alone. Her clothes fully covered her body, but they hid more than just her modesty. Behind closed doors, behind closed doors.

There was the young butcher's apprentice, who, it seemed, had his existential crisis scheduled for the Thursday evenings he visited me. Head down, frown up, he'd amble over, staring at his feet and his bloodstained nails, throwing pebbles in the water and glaring at the sky as though it had caused him personal affront. It was the bloody sunset he had special attention for, though, and he devoured it hungrily, all the ugly shades of red he was so familiar with, made so beautiful. It was when he came to me on a Wednesday, or a Monday, though, that I worried, and then I made sure to push my finest pebbles up for him to flick to the water; to push my railings a little higher, so he wouldn't fall over- accidentally, of course.

There were the workmen who came by once in a while to give me a touch-up, the ones who called out to women and the ones who didn't; the ones who meant harm and the ones who just didn't know any better. Some of them, I made sure, left with pebbles in their shoes that would stick in the tiniest corner, and bother them for days to come; some I made sure even the mud didn't touch.

And then, once in a blessed blue moon, was the gentle old lady in white, my love if only she'd been a bridge and not a widow bride, who came by for no other reason, it seemed, than to sit with me, and watch with me. She'd sit there the whole day, one of my pebbles in her hands, rubbing its smooth edge, smiling at the happy forgetful couple as I smiled, glancing with gentle concern at the apprentice as I did, exchanging nods with the cheat and his mother as I never could. Once, I thought, as she put back the pebble in its place and gathered herself to leave, she even whispered a goodbye to me.



~Sam

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Not About You

Tell me you love me.
Tell me you choose me.
Tell me you'll change your mind for me.
Tell me you'll trust me.
Tell me you'll make me trust you.
Tell me I'm important.
Tell me I'm right.
Tell me I'm enough.
Tell me sometimes, I'm everything.
Tell me you won't leave me.
Tell me everything.
And listen to me, and maybe I'll tell you, too. 

Maybe I already have. 


~Emo Sam

Too many people I know, know about this blog. Bah. 

Sunday, May 3, 2015

References

Somewhere Over the Rainbow reminds me of Cookie. Candles remind me of Koko. Yoda and yoda-like english is Chocolate Bomb, always. Scarves remind me of Marshmallow and Zayn reminds me of Laani. Backscratching reminds me of the Cat, massages remind me of Doobie, my red coat reminds me of my mother's love and happy times. My shoes remind me of my old school, of when I bought them and I argued with the teacher that they fulfilled the rule that shoes must be predominantly black, even though these are a borderline case with all that pink - and of younger times when the colour of your shoes was so important, and when a crush took over your entire world. Certain kinds of books remind me of Popo, and fangirling over Sherlock reminds me of sparkykitty.
These are only some of the references to some of the people in my life, a handful of things reminding me of a handful of people. There are so many more- chairs and books and shoes and bags and and songs and pictures and floors and ceilings- that remind me of so many more people, so many mundane things that are so extraordinary to my heart, and all of that just reminds me of this:



"A wall broke my heart. A wet field of grass broke my heart. A child hugging his parents legs in an airport broke my heart. Water in a bath has broken my heart. A tattoo has broken my heart. A photograph on the internet broke my heart. A watch broke my heart. Holding my breath underwater broke my heart.
You have your unique fractures along your heart, and I have mine. And maybe there is nothing, anywhere, that doesn't break someone's heart."


~Sam

April Favourites

I don't know why I keep forgetting about these, my mind is all over the place these days. That apart, April is such a pretty name for a month! Getting to it, now:
  1. Cookie's Emails. These are a kind of constant favourite, but this is the month when I realized they haven't been officially recognized yet (I think). Just seeing her name in my inbox brightens my face, and actually reading the email brightens up my whole day. -sentiments- 
  2. RC's music. Like this and this and this
  3. The Thinking Out Loud music video. Youtube randomly gifted it to be one evening, and I fell in love with it all over again; and then it started playing in a shop randomly and the corners of my mouth just lifted. At this point, this is so going to be my wedding song (in the event that I have a wedding song). 
  4. My Abba spree this one random evening, when it was raining outside and the beautiful city breeze was back, and I'd woken up at 4:20 in the pm, and everything was just unreal and sort of floating on air. 
  5. ICE CREAM. Cake and fudge, you are my life now. Along with cookies and cream, of course. And waffle cones. WAFFLE CONES.  
  6. Cheesecake from my favourite cheesecake place (twice!). Having a favourite cheesecake place! Cheesecake! Also, hot chocolate from my favourite cheesecake place! Also also, the eggless toffee chocolate cake from my favourite cheesecake place. Basically, everything. Everything from my favourite cheesecake place.
  7. 4am conversation with a friend. Gracias. 
  8. The Opposite of Loneliness. Some of those essays hit home, square in the front yard. 
  9. The joy and relief of getting my internship, and of finding out I'd be going to Delhi again and could thus a) chill with my cousins and b) get my hair cut by Shahid!
  10. Pushing Daisies! <3 Everything about this show is so perfect- from Chuck's fifties style dresses to Emerson's smartassness to Ned's piemaking and gawkiness and everything, Ned's everything. And the narrator of course, Jim Dale makes everything perfect. 
  11. Regina. At this point, she is the only character I like in Once Upon A Time, but man do I love her. 
  12. Poetry! So much pretty poetry! RC's and Anne Sexton's and Maya Angelou's and and this one oh my god, and that Who's Your Poet BFF quiz that started this whole spree.
  13. Philip Pullman's Northern Lights, again. Rereading old favourites is such a pleasure, I wish I could do it all the time (but no, there are too many new books to read for me to have that privilege). 
  14. Long facebook conversations with new friends and old. 
  15. Writing that paragraph of the Zaara story that V made me write for her, and contemplating writing more. (Pfft.)
  16. EGO BOOST CONVERSATIONS. :D "Praise me, bitch." 
  17. Making sparkykitty laugh at all the unintentionally funny parts of Avengers (which also happened to be pretty much the only parts of the movie I actually enjoyed).
  18. A couple of pretty damn good hazelnut lattes. 
  19. The children's section of this pretty old bookstore, with all those beautifully bound books of fairytales. Sigh. 
Okay, that's all for now. Ta!
~Sam