Don't.

Hello.
Don't ask people how they are and then roll your eyes when they tell you.
Don't expect them to lie, "fine," and go away, especially if they think you're friends.
Don't ask, if you don't care to hear the answer.
Don't ask if all you're going to do is wait for them to shut up so you can talk.
Don't ask them to "stop whining and be happy."
Fuck you, it's not their job to be your chirpy little bird 24/7.
Don't dismiss their problems when you don't even know them.
This has been a public service announcement/rant.
Bye.


~Sam

Scary Sunderban Stars

I wonder why humans are so fascinated with scary experiences. With controlled scary experiences, especially: experiences like roller coasters and swimming with sharks and jumping off bridges with only a rope to keep you from dying. 

When I was 18, we went to the Sunderbans to see the tigers. We didn't end up seeing the tigers, but I experienced something pretty damn scary anyway: total and utter darkness. On a small boat, in pitch darkness, in a crocodile filled marsh, in winter. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was scared for my life; but more than that, I was horrified at the thought that my phone might fall into the dark water. 

Recurring nightmares of my phone falling in played before my eyes. I even imagined myself jumping in after it to save it and emerging victorious, but with a phone which would no longer work; alternatively, I imagined being unable to find it, interspersed with mental images of being eaten by crocodiles and dying a painful death- or worse, surviving, to get beaten up by my tearful mother.

When I wasn't thinking of my phone falling into the water possibly leading to death or hypothermia, I was staring at the stars. Man, they do not joke when they tell you that the stars without city lights are beautiful. There are so many of them, and it's a crazy, crazy experience leaning back (over a crocodile filled cold river which could swallow my phone, don't forget) and watching them crowd each other out of the sky, and just think (and fear death and hypothermia and phone-loss), or rather, not think, just look and have dazed conversations with your brother, while your parents worried about getting you back to dry land.  

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, except I feel like posting something other than favourites, and this is something I'd like to remember.

~Sam 

November Favourites

It's been a very long, very shitty month, and I'm glad I had this list running to remind myself to notice that there were good moments too. 

1. Cuddling up and sleeping with mom. Also, this time when I wanted to buy 4" heels and she picked up old-lady/young-kid 1" shoes and offered those as an alternative and our eyes met and we both realized how silly that was and that I wasn't going to fall for that and was grown up and wanted heels and wouldn't be swayed as easily as I always had been, and laughed and had a moment.
2. Heels!! I'd talked last month about the wonderful heels I'd seen, and these are better. Well, they're higher and hotter. Less comfortable, but walkable enough (on flat surfaces). I wore them for an entire evening fairly successfully, so I'm okay with them. They're nude with a dark red sole. :D
3. My Christmas Cookie. U da best. I'm so, so blessed to have you in my life. 
4. November 13, 2014. It isn't a landmark date. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. But it was a nice day. I laughed and talked to people, went to my happy place with Doobie (this sounds like it involves drugs. It doesn't, I swear. Except caffeine), got some work done, got an extra hour of sleep because of a cancelled class, danced for a few minutes with friends, had a happy conversation with my mum, and just...was happy. After a few days of being pretty depressed, it was a more than welcome change. 
5. My new tumblr. It's taking up more of my life than I can afford to give, but it makes me pretty happy. But also sad, because all of the pretty pictures of all of the places I want to travel to just evokes a very painful sense of wanderlust. 
6. Sparkykitty. Your presence is enough to lighten me up. God bless you for being in my life. 
7. This one night when I dressed up in my favourite (and only) red dress and put on my make up and earrings and heels and took a ton of selfies (a collage of which now adorns my facebook profile as my cover picture, complete with trippy tinting- yes, I'm that girl) and dragged my friends out for a dinner (I made a plan and it worked out!!!!!) where we had loud conversations about Harry Potter.
8. Gold. It was another birthday book, one I bought myself from this paradise of a bookshop, and I don't even know how many times it made my face crumple up in tears. I hate this book. It is so good.  I don't know if I reacted so strongly to it because of my general mental state, but it's a great book with great writing in either case, and definitely deserves a spot on here. 
9. All the times I went out, basically. Getting away from here was nice. I went for a nice lunch with a bunch of friends to one of my favouritest places in the whole wide world. And posted my first letter!!! I mean, I've sent other letters before, but I usually just got my mum to post it for me. It was inordinately exciting. It was a generally  lovely happy day, though, and got me out of my blurgh state of mind, which is always a welcome thing.  There was also another nice happy lunch followed by a play put up by some of my friends at this amazing place with lovely art all around. Also I found a cool shop and bought a wolverines minion tshirt and earrings. Did I mention good food? And art? Favourite bit: a floor designed to look like a snakes and ladders gameboard. And then on another day I went for dinner with sparkykitty and the cat and we sang songs in the cab all the way back and everyone thought we were drunk but we weren't, we were just happy. And finally, yesterday I went out to get myself a thanksgiving meal because I've been craving turkey and pumpkin pie (mainly pumpkin pie) forever and I'd intended not to go because it was too expensive and I'd spent too much money this term but my utter lack of willpower combined with a lot of nagging from my friends and a gentle push from my mom made me finally go. Then I reach the place and find out that they're out of pumpkin pie, which shattered my heart, except it also led to what actually makes this one of my favourites, and the best part of the evening: walking a mile and a half (we calculated) in the cold, bundled up in my unflattering and very warm red sweater top, to get that pumpkin pie from another restaurant which was actually farther than we thought it was. But it was awesome, because I love walking, and I love walking bundled up in my sweater in the cold even more, and it's been a while since I've walked, and this particular walk led to pumpkin pie, soooooooooo.
10. Blank Space. I'm not really on the Taylor bandwagon, but seeing her be so sassy and just own her image in the media is so awesome. 

Also, since it's thanksgiving month I'm going to take a moment to give thanks even if it isn't my festival to celebrate and is a problematic festival anyway, because I'm into festivals and I'm also into gratitude:

First, to my mom, for trying so hard to understand me, and for loving me so, so much. 

Second, my brother, for being there when I need him, despite all our distance and quarrels and fundamental ideological differences. 

And generally to my grandparents and my aunt and my awesome extended family. 

My friends, past and present: even when we're fighting, even when we haven't talked in months, each of you has at some point made me glad to be alive. 

My mind and my body and my general propensity for happiness. As I said, this month has been awful in many ways and the recent emotional upheaval and feelings of depression have just made me really grateful for my default state of positivity. 

Okay bye. 

Love and hugs, 

~Sam