Today, I understand.

I understand loneliness. I understand why people are thrust into desperate measures to find that someone, that person who is theirs like no one else’s, that person who is their person.  I understand we cannot survive alone. I understand why I feel the need…not to be alone. I understand that the odds are in favour of despair. That we just fight for our joy, that we must fight. I understand people, the conflicting needs to get ahead of other people, and of needing other people. I understand we are scattered, alone, selfish, insecure, needy, hungry. All searching for, wanting, the same thing, few willing to give it. I understand we can no longer think of empathy, hardly of sympathy. That money is important, and war, and that little piece of land. I understand we have forgotten that people are important. Not all of us, though. I remember that there are people, Brandons in New York, and elsewhere, trying to make us remember what we have forgotten. I hope that they succeed.

I understand why image is important. I understand that we have moved away from the time-if at all there was such a time- when we judged by substance, where our word was enough, when careers dedicated to finding loopholes or perfecting eyebrows did not exist.  When we spent time on things, on people, when things did not have to be accompanied with flashy signs of “breaking news” to capture out attention. When books were read.

Today I understand why people hurt others, and themselves, why sometimes a fatal leap into the unknown can seem better than what we see and know. I understand that your perspective will always be different from reality- that no one really sees reality. I understand that we cannot avoid sadness. There must be death with birth, despair with joy. I understand that despair can easily kill the joy. That we speak more of rape than of making love, or even sex.

I understand that there will be moments of joy, gifts from life. I understand that life is a harsh, miserly master. That these gifts must be seized, treasured and remembered. That these gifts are important, these moments worth all the hours of hell.

~Sam

Questions

Okay so today I'm going to post a song. Sam has asked me to post it a bajillion times, but I wasn't very sure about it. But here goes nothing.

My thoughts echo loudly

Through Silence in the dead of the night

Even in this house of giants

Home is ever so far away

This skin isn't mine and

My eyes don't let me see what I want to,

This belief; it deceives

I only scream as loud as my silence

Only heard in the stillness

Only heard to those who listen

Only heard to the emptiness

All in this nothingness

Trapped in invisible cages

Waging unbeatable wars of fears

Where am I now,

I'm so far away

These thoughts are mine and

My heart doesn't let me feel what I need

This belief; it deceives

I only scream as loud as my silence

Only heard in the stillness

Only heard to those who listen

Only heard to the emptiness

All in this nothingness

Scattered books and shattered glass in my home

Unsolved puzzles and questionable riddles in my mind

I only scream as loud as my silence

Only heard in the stillness

Only heard to those who listen

Only heard to the emptiness

All in this nothingness 

Wait a minute-II.

Take a breath.
Stop doing. Stop thinking. Stop.
Look. Look at the people around you. Don't just see. Look.
Think about where they're going, what they're doing.
Think about the billions of people in the world thinking and doing. Or the millions in your city.
Think about how big the world is. Think about how small your world is. How big, and how small, your problems are.
And then go on.

~Sam

Wait a minute

If dolphins have very few natural enemies...and are also the only creature apart from humans who have sex for fun...why aren't there more dolphins in the world?

~Sam

Writing

You haven't written for a while.
Well, of course you've written, papers and projects and other people's paraphrased words.
But you haven't written.
It itches at you, the feeling of not writing. Like a scratchy mat against your heart, a dryness in your mouth and throat. A haze behind your eyes.

You haven't written for a while.
Haven't paid attention to the letters being tapped on the keyboard, haven't cared much about the placing, the perfectness of the word.
The keys stare at you, blank, empty. Not judging, but you feel judged. Why haven't you written?

You write. You look at the keys, still blank, still empty, but happy, smiling. You look at the letters being typed out even though you don't need to. You lose yourself in the black and the white, the thoughts crystal clear, distinct, so different from the blur of when you actually have a story to say, have words to set on paper, to screen.

Because you don't have anything to write, you see. You just want to.
Need to.

~Sam