August Favourites

This has been a pretty quiet month on the favourites front (I think?? I usually have a post saved in my drafts to record favourites as they happen because I will forget them all by the end of the month, or forget whether they happened in this month or the last one (or five years ago, for that matter) but I didn't do that this month because a) nothing really stood out and b) I was lazy and overworked.).
But from what I can remember:

1) Birthday month!!!! I had a lovely birthday, more or less, and it involved a lot of chocolate, singing and trying on the most amazing (Harry-Potter themed, constellation-having) cape ever (not that I've tried on many. Or any, apart from this one), among other things unfit for public consumption. Birthday also meant that all of my friends wrote me happy mushy messages about how awesome I am, which is always good to hear about, and generally overwhelmed me with all of the love.

2) Birthday month also means that OUR BLOG IS NOW THREE YEARS OLD! Which sounds both very young and very old. I'm glad it's lasted this long, even if our frequency of posting has kind of withered. Speaking of...

3) I wrote stuff this month, after a while. It felt good. ^_^

4) Jessie wrote me a poem! It's the first poem anyone has ever written for me (of course, there will be more), and it's beautiful, and I love it, and I love her, and that is all.

5) I got (even more) posters for my room. Must redecorate and move things around to make space. X_X But now I can have a mini wall mural of baby Po to look at each morning, so it's all worth it.

6) I found (what I think are) amazing presents for some of my friends! :D

7) And got amazing presents from my friends! So many books, I'm so happy! And a lovely tshirt, and poster, and just generally good stuff.

8) I did okay at this thing I thought I would totally suck at. And decided to do this thing I thought I'd never have the courage/stupidity to do. Let's see how it works out though.

9) I went home. ^_^

10) And video-chatted with some of my lovely friends. ^_^

11) And updated my wall of memories (which is basically ticket stubs and coasters and all sorts of memorabilia stuck on my wall) and wallowed in nostalgia for a while. ^_^

12) And reached out to an old friend with whom I now have some of the loveliest email threads ever (I can't believe that only happened in the middle of this month, it feels like so much longer!). Non-work emails are the best.

13) And received and replied to a letter. ^_^ Jess, if you're reading this, I AM WORKING ON YOUR REPLY IT WILL COME SOON I SWEAR.

This is a horribly undetailed post but suffice to say that, now that I think about it, it's been an absolutely lovely month of friends and family and general joy. Touchwood.

OH, HOW COULD I FORGET, 14) I GOT AN ACTUAL DREAMCATCHER!!! Thank you Darren. The internet tells me this is not cultural appropriation so I'm just going to be an ostrich and not think about that anymore.

15) Oh, and I auditioned for a play, like I'd said I would last month! I wasn't great, but it was fun.

16) And today Doobie and I snuck into the teachers' colony and swung on the swings in their playground (the playground is for the teachers' kids, not the teachers. That would be weird. And awesome) and talked and talked and walked and the sky was a stunning blue which turned orange-y and the trees were outlined against the sky and the the swings swung gently in the breeze after we left them for the slide and see-saw, looking very beautiful and vaguely horror-movie-ish, and it was just an excellent evening, all in all.

So yes, good month. I like this favourites thing, it makes me focus on the good.

I shall leave now.

Much love to you all.
~Sam

Surfaces

At 5 a.m., having brilliantly failed at achieving a state of slumber, a picture came to my mind, of the surface of seas, hiding various life histories and dramas below, represented by various striking images. I wish I could paint so I could draw this series, I don't think my words are doing it justice, but I can't, so I wrote it as best I could.

____

The surface is clear, beautiful even. Calm and peaceful. Serene, reflecting the brilliant blue sky, the sea gulls soaring above. Perfect.
But look from a particular angle, and you will see through the surface. Down below, things aren't clear or calm, not peaceful, not serene. Anything but perfect. Down below you will not see the blue of the free sky, but the grey of a man's raised hand, the black of a woman's bowed head. You will see scared eyes peeking from behind a curtain, staring longingly at the open door. Freedom, a few footsteps away, a few lifetimes away.

Another sea, another surface. Dark, this time, reflecting innumerable shining stars. Breathtaking.
How many of those stars are dead, in the time the light has taken to reach this surface? How many blinked out, unable to take their own weight?
Under the surface, the punctures will not be the bright of stars in a black sky. No, the punctures will show other colours. The dark of grime, the crimson of despair. What colour is hopelessness? Red blood, slicing across a wrist, an ankle, a thigh, a throat.

Another day, another sea, roiling in the storm. Waves so high you cannot look through. Daunting, brave, indomitable. Stunning.
Perhaps not so below. It is calm below, calm and quiet. An undisturbed room, a made bed, a neat closet. A house not a home, pervaded only by silence. The silence of searching eyes, searching, searching, for a way out. Not all exits are blaring signs, looking to be found. Not all doors can just be walked out of. A silence of suppression, borne of years of quiet fortitude and hardening soul. A silence stunning like a slap across a bruised face.

Another dark sea, but lit bright underneath. Shining auditorium lights, brightening jeering faces, echoing harsh laughter.

A pale blue ocean, glinting with beautiful coral. Coral, which is mere decoration on armour, built of years of smiling at the face you want to punch, standing when you want to cower, of unsought battles fought with trembling, hardening fear.

A sea glinting, dancing, silver as a mermaid's tail; a surface only thinly covering the screams renting the air, the hand forcing legs apart. The tears squeezed from shut eyes, the nails tearing the thick skin on scarred palms, the memories relived.

Dull grey water, but what brilliance below. The shingled sea-fish swimming astray, the weeds waving in glee. A stingray, bemused smile permanent on its face; a jolly dolphin passing through.

Green, frolicking, choppy waves, pushing against a cliff; a dancer's soul beneath, legs poised, body prepared, arms high for a battle of ballet.

What is below your surface?

~Sam

Despondent

I don't even have anything to say,
Just a feeling of sadness which won't go away.
Juvenile rhymes give me a moment of gladness,
But even my closest friends can't stem this sadness.
Like a wave it crashes over me,
Like the sea it just gets to me.

It's silly, the reason this started at all,
But isn't that always the way sadness falls?
I'm lonely, I'm inadequate, I'm stupidly insecure,
And all my friends are on far distant shores.
The despondency just crashes over me.
Indomitable as the ocean, it just gets to me.

Funny

Funny how quickly we get used to things,
The atmosphere of deceit and pretense,
The new classroom,
The new year.
It's only when you realize you've been writing the year as 2011 for days now,
Lost in an inattentive haze, that you notice how much has changed.
How much you've got used to.
Funny how we are all unique,
And all uniform-
How unaccommodating the world is to anyone truly unique,
To anyone different, abnormal.
To a long-haired man.
Funny how intensely private I am about my writing,
Even as I hope the world sees it.
And funny how one of the most common blessings around here
Translates literally to "keep living."
Because isn't that the most difficult thing of them all.

____

Insecurity.
The way you pull down your shirt as you stand to leave,
Chin up, eyes down, lips pursed. Unseeing.
Insecurity.
The way you eyes touch the ground softly,
Harden against others' faces.
Defensive against an attack which hasn't even been considered.
Insecurity.
Nose in a book, shunning them before they can shun you,
Ignoring the happy chatter you didn't even try to be invited to.
Insecurity.
The way you're the first to laugh at yourself,
When that much-awaited attack does come.

The way you cut yourself,
Before they can cut you.


~Sam

Oblivious to Reality

My greatest fear, is that one day I may realize that I was never as good, or smart, or attractive, or fun, or nice, or kind as I thought I was. Even if all of those measures were only a little; I was never any of them. I may wake up one morning, to what might be the actual reality, that I'm not even the slightest of those things, and that I've been living a lie. All that I've been looking forward to, would never happen because, I was too oblivious to see the truth.

-Malko