Sam's List Of What's Hot And What's Snot In A Guy

[Update: This post makes 2014-me cringe, but I think I'll let it stay for reasons of posterity. Things I really had issues with have been cut out.]

Yes, you read that right. It's "Snot". It was originally a typo, but then we converted it into the real title, 'cuz typos can be awesome, just like us.

Anyway. This was supposed to be a fun post, but I've come to the cruel realization in recent days that I'm not really one of those funny writers who can make people laugh about the dumbest stuff (a la Allie Brosh), but this is something I've always wanted to do, and now whenever I find a decent guy I can conveniently tell him to go check out this link so he knows what is expected of him, so here it is anyway.

That was a long and probably grammatically incorrect sentence. I'm scared that I don't care.


Okay, I'll stop talking now. Bye!

One last thing-in case you haven't realized yet, this is a list of what I do and don't want in a guy. Though you probably know this. But just in case you don't. That's what it is. I'll let you get on with it now.

 Warning: It gets kind of mushy by the end.

*leaves. finally.*


Hair:
What's Hot: Dark or light, I don't really mind. I love Hugh Jackman, I love Owen Wilson, though I'm yet to meet a red head I like. What I do care about in a guy's hair is that it should be natural. Guys with those weird gay-looking fringes whose pics they have outside beauty salons are a total no-no. Pete Wentz's emo style is hot, but I'd prefer a more Hugh Jackman look in my guy. Natural is good. Style it well, i.e., get it cut in a decent way, but please don't spend longer on your hair on a daily basis than I do.
Note: I rarely spend longer than two minutes (true story).
Also, it should be soft and silky, and kind of long so I can run my hands through it, though I looooove military cuts, too.
What's Snot: Rough grungy hair. Fringes.

Hands: 
What's Hot: A close friend of mine, the Marshmallow, is obsessed with a guy's hands. She says they should be large, strong, with the veins kinda popping out-in a word, manly. I agree. Soft, calloused, whatever. Just let my hand feel small and soft and feminine in his. And let his be able to support me, make me feel like the safest woman in the world when he holds me with them. (Aww).
What's Snot: Hands that're smaller than mine. Soft girly hands. Sweaty hands.

Physique: 
What's Hot: Well, he should be sexy ;) I don't usually like the bulky type; I prefer a sleeker look (despite the fact that I'm obsessed with Wolverine). A six pack and all that jazz is fine with me, I just don't want him to look like The Hulk. The physique in general doesn't really matter that much to me though, I think.
What's Snot: Obesity. A guy who's skinnier than me (cuz that'd just make me feel fat). The unhealthy extremes of either thin or fat.


Smile: 
What's Hot: Dimples. Are. Compulsory. If you don't have them, go away.

Coming back to reality, if your smile is nice enough to impress me without dimples, you'll do. But if I had to choose between two men, I'd pick the one with dimples. Jus' sayin'. I think I'm so obsessed with them because I don't have them, and I want my future kid(s) to have at least some chance of getting them (Yeah, I'm definitely one of those future planner people).

Besides the dimples, I want nice, straight, even white teeth. No smokers allowed, thank you very much.

What's Snot: Smokers' teeth. Yellow, holey, ugly teeth. One of those creepy cold smiles.

Style:
What's Hot: I don't want a guy who looks like he lost his way from a Paris runway. I need someone real, and a guy in skinny jeans and a barely-there shirt ain't gonna do it for me. Put on jeans, a decent t-shirt, don't ever, ever  tuck it in, and you're perfect.
PS-I love guys in jeans. Malko doesn't get this: Her response, when I told her this, was, "Don't they all wear jeans?"
What's Snot: Looking gay when you aren't. Ill-fitting clothing. This includes too tight as well as too loose.

Sexuality: 
What's Hot: Straight, of course. I don't want to sound like a homophobe, but a bi guy won't do for me either. I'd just feel creepy if there was a possibility that he might have a crush on my ex boyfriend or whatever.  Bi guys are fine too. Coming to metro-sexuality..meh, not really. I want a guy to take care of himself, but I think waxing and getting your eyebrows done is taking things a bit too far. Also, as I said, I don't primp too much, and it'd be weird if my boyfriend spent longer getting dressed than I did. I'm not too fashion conscious either, so I don't really want a cross-dressing kinda guy. I want my guy to be a guy. Not a cave man, but not covered in cologne and Armani either. But overall, as long as you look decent, and don't primp too much, its fine.
What's Snot: Being gay and dating a chick.

Level of Romanticism: 
What's Hot: You probably know by now (since I'm making a list of the traits I require in Perfect Guy, you should definitely know by now) that I'm an extremely romantic gal. I've spent a long time dreaming about Perfect Guy (henceforth referred to as PG), and the least I expect from him is that he return all those years of dreaming with extensive thoughtfulness. Book a yacht for our anniversary, or just cook me my favorite dinner and plan for a romantic night, I don't really care about the magnitude of the act, just that you put some thought into it. Sorry, but a gift voucher for my birthday after we've been together for a couple of years just won't cut it, though I might give you a little leeway in the beginning.
What's Snot: Buying a gift voucher for our fiftieth anniversary. Worse, forgetting our fiftieth anniversary.

Talents: 
What's Hot: You should know how to cook. Everything. Because I can't, and I really don't want to learn either. I'd rather sit on the counter and sigh over you than cry over onions, thank you very much. That's pretty much the only thing I really require, but being able to sing or play a sexy instrument like a guitar or piano would be..another layer of chocolate on the cake, I suppose (I don't really like icing much). You should also be able to open any cans, and be strong enough to pick me up and make me feel small and dainty. Also, after intensively watching weeks of MasterChef Australia, I've reached the conclusion that I find chefs (especially young, blonde, curly-haired, blue-eyed ones) really, really hot.
What's Snot: Being a lazy, unemployed, aimless couch potato. I need a successful guy who can look after himself, at least, if not me.

Miscellaneous: 
What's Hot: I would love for you to have long eyelashes, but be prepared for some intense jealousy from me if you do have them. The eyes are important-they should reflect your honesty, and be awesome enough for me to be able to stare at them forever. They should also linger on me often. In a nice way, though. Not in a creepy, leery, stalker way.
You also need to be kind, helpful, generous, aware, eco-friendly, confident, and must worship me. You know, the usual.
What's Snot: Being dumb. Not existing.

Mushy Stuff: 
There's nothing else really left for me to say, so I'll just sum up and be mushy here. I want you to be manly, yet gentle; kind and generous, forgiving and thoughtful. I want to be able to lean on you, but I also want you to give me space when required. I want you to be committed. I want you to be there whenever I need you. I want you to know what I want, even when I don't. I want you to worship me, yet be willing to stand up to me when I'm wrong (and trust me, I will occasionally be wrong, as much as I'd like to deny it), and to have your own opinions. I want you to be understanding. I want you to be compassionate. I want you to be human. I want you to be my kind of perfect. I want you to be mine.

I want you to exist.


~Sam.