I wonder.

I don't remember when I wrote this, but I found it sitting in my drafts box and thought I'd post something apart from Monthly Favourites for a change. ^_^

_______

I wonder who talks about me, the way I talk about you.
Who looks at me across the room and forces their eyes in another direction, lest they be caught?
Who texts their friends furiously when I'm nice, when I'm mean, when I smile, when I frown,
Basically- whenever I'm around?
Who is extra-awkward, and tries extra-hard to ignore my existence (their efforts unnoticed),
Because isn't that how flirting works?
I wonder who feels about me, the way I feel about you.

~Sam 

A Procrastinator's Life For Me

Today, I had to do one of three big Tasks. It's 12:18 a.m. right now and so far I have:

1. Chilled with my cousin and aunt.
2. Whatsapped.
3. Eaten dinner.
4. Checked my phone for notifications.
5. Chilled more with my cousin and aunt.
6. Whatsapped.
7. Watched one episode of Once Upon A Time ("just one").
8. Checked my phone for notifications.
9. Craved chocolate cake and got a nutella sandwich instead, a fair trade I think.
10. Whatsapped.
11. Watched another episode of Once Upon A Time.
12. Checked my phone for notifications.
13. Opened up facebook in order to keep from watching another episode of Once Upon A Time.
14. Whatsapped.
15. Scrolled through facebook.
16. Read a bunch of random links, none of which were meaningful enough for me to remember now, a mere hour later.
17. Checked my phone for notifications.
18. Changed my whatsapp profile picture (thrice). 
19. Whatsapped friends.
20. Listened to Jealous by Nick Jonas because the Marshmallow was singing it on whatsapp.
21. Watched the Blank Space video because YouTube auto-play played it and who am I not to bend to YouTube's will? 
22. Checked my phone for notifications.
23. Scrolled through my iTunes hunting for a nice song to play as I worked. 
24. Stalked my own blog.
25. Stalked Malko and my bios on our blog.
26.  Checked my phone for notifications. 
27. Thought about waking up early tomorrow and working.
28. Thought about how I didn't wake up early today and work.
29. Instgrammed.
30. Snapchatted.
31. Documented my unhappiness regarding work in a snapchat selfie.
32. Stalked everyone's snapchat story.
33. Checked my phone for notifications.
34. Written this post.

I think I'm going to go now.

~Sam 

An Open Letter to Neymar Jr On His 23rd Birthday

Neymar. I remember the moment he walked, nay, nutmegged into my life. It was during the World Cup. I knew I wanted to watch the opening ceremony and first match, but somehow missed it. Next morning I walked into the living room, and saw a boy in a bright yellow jersey with blond hair in the newspaper. There he was, in all his althetic glory. I felt the spark immediately. It felt like a surge of energy. I spent the next few hours investing in him on the Internet. Little did I know, that the investment, wasn’t for a few hours, but for a lifetime. As I sat down to watch him play for the first time, I fell in love. I fell in love with his talent, with his style of play, with his personality; with him. As the games in the world cup progressed, my adoration for him only grew. I looked upto him. He had become my inspiration. So in that one terrifying second that he fell to the ground, crying, I could not breathe. I was so scared for him. I knew he had the potential to be the best player in the world someday, and so I could not even fathom to think about the ‘what if’s. He didn’t deserve that pain. I wanted to take it away. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted everything to be okay. I needed him to get back up and fight, and of course,he did! He fought his way through the injury and came back stronger than ever. I was welling with pride and adoration. Look at him now. Oh my, how high he’s soaring. I have no doubt that he’s going to reach the top one day. Neymar is loyal and humble. He is dedicated and zealous. He is endearing and incredibly sexy. He turned only 23 today, and the world hasn’t seen anything yet. He has a lot more to offer; he will be a legend. He deserves nothing less. Happy Birthday, my love. I hope you have a great day and a great life. I really do. I love you :’)

January Favourites

[I've completed an entire year of Monthly Favourites! Wow.]

This month went by fast! I spent a term waiting and hoping for the 2nd of January, and then it finally came- and went- and then it was the 16th- and then it was the 19th- and then it was February, and I'm still spinning from the whirlwind. There are some months where you have to hunt for your favourites, look under table mats and in dusty corners for the tiny things that made you smile in the midst of all the hellishness. And then there are some months were good things just happen to you, where the favourites fling themselves into your arms. This was the second kind of month. I'm just going to go chronologically because I don't know how else to get all of this out.

1. January 2: I've been participating in an activity which occurs in two stages and the first, arguably shittier, stage ended on the 2nd, after months of stress and self-hate and general awfulness. The second stage ends next month, and while I'm pretty much reconciled with it being a total failure, I have a feeling it'll make it onto my favourites anyway, merely by virtue of it being finally over. 
2. January 4: I finally met a lovely old friend of mine, my Clone, we used to call her, because we were so similar and liable to be hyper and overexcited, after a year of being in the same city (we suck, I know). Turns out we're still similar as ever, though, at least in terms of creepily sneaking glances at beautiful extremely well-dressed ethereal women who come sit on the table across from us in a quaint cafe, reading a nice book and possibly crying, possibly waiting for someone, looking like a storybook character nonetheless. Clone had brought me to this amazing, beautiful little cafe with trippy paintings and hanging plants and a peaceful atmosphere, and we were curled up in a corner watching Amelie and eating sandwiches and epic French toast and waiting for our chocolate cake, when she came and sat down. We'd each been sneaking glances at her- there was some aura about her which drew the eye- when Clone pointed her out to me, and then we exclaimed at our creepy similarity and we snuck glances at her together and imagined various reasons why she was here, like this, and what her life was like, and concluded that we both wanted to be her, or at least her friend. Then the couple sitting next to her noticed our creepiness and started glaring judgmentally at us, which was slightly embarrassing, but hello, they had clearly been staring at us too, to have noticed our creepiness? So like, back off? 
3. January 16: The term ended. HALLELUJAH. This has, by far, been the worst term in my academic life so far, and I really hope I never experience a worse one, or anything even close. I still have loads to do all holidays, and won't be free from its clutches until the middle of next month, but still. I thought it would never end, and the countdown to the end was one my favourites this month.
4. This article I read about 36 questions that can make any two people fall in love. The article itself made me smile because it's such a sweet love story, and the idea of the 36 questions themselves (followed by four minutes, I think, of staring each other in the eye, which is a very long time) sounded insanely interesting. This parody piece by the New Yorker, about 36 questions guaranteed to make you fall out of love, wrapped everything up very nicely.
5. Oh! Something else which happened was that my aunt stumbled across this story of mine which I'd sent to a website. The website accepts everything, so this was not a big deal, but she thought it was, and she told my mom, who told my uncle and all her friends, all of whom sent me nice complimentary texts, and it was basically the most embarrassing thing ever. Then I came over to my aunt's place and she bragged about it to all her friends, in response to which I ran away and hid in my room. This is a favourite because compliments are nice, but everything else was mainly just something which makes me want to cover my face and hide (with my ear to the door, so I can hear people saying nice things about me). 
6. Internship. There was a moment where it hit me that I was actually doing work and I was interested in it and I was happy and it was just extremely weird, and extremely awesome. 
7. Okay I think I've delayed this point enough, and it's basically what makes this month such an overwhelmingly favourite-worthy one, so I'll get to it. What basically happened was... I went home. You may remember that I wrote a really emo post a long time ago about moving away from home, from the city I grew up in. I've been back there a few times, for a friend's sister's wedding (my one trip from college with my friends, so much fun, I wish I'd had favourites-posts back then), and my brother's graduation (when I spent a lazy afternoon at Annabanana's place with the Cookie and the Marshmallow (we're big on food-themed nicknames) watching Warm Bodies (or was it Crazy Stupid Love? I think Crazy Stupid Love was the time before that?) and eating subways and talking and laughing and taking timed selfies and failing at taking timed selfies). But I hadn't been back in nearly two years, and after the term I'd had, I really needed to go there. I'd made plans to go back a million times before, and they'd all failed, so it was unbelievably amazing that this one actually worked out, and worked out beyond my wildest expectations. This trip probably deserves a separate post to itself, but eh, I'm already here, and I postponed posting (lulz, postponed posting) so I could include it in my favourites, so please bear with an extra-long post because I'm going to go through each of my favourite elements, in no particular order, in separate points. 
1. The journey. Train journeys to and from college with Doobie had been something we both treasured, and though we realized this trip that we'd only had four or five of them, they were some of the biggest building blocks in our friendship, along with our nightly walks. I was pretty excited to be able to have another journey with her, even though I was also trying to suppress my excitement because I didn't want to jinx everything by being too happy, and I was still terrified that the plan would fail somehow, and we would miss the train (we ended up reaching over an hour early) or the train would get cancelled just because the gods hated me, or something horrible would happen and ruin everything. It didn't, though, and we ended up watching the happy part of the Devil Wears Prada, and then changing to Tangled, which by the way is far too intense for a children's movie. My laptop almost died in the middle, but trusty steed that it is, it stayed alive long enough to let me transfer the movie onto a pen drive and then we continued on Doobie's laptop. I'm just retrospectively going to take this as a sign that everything would be absolutely 100% perfect that glorious weekend. 
2. The MotherCookie. I'm awkward. It's who I am, and I've mostly accepted it. My awkwardness arises mainly around people I'm not close friends with. Classmates, other people's acquaintances whom I'm meeting- I either just shut up entirely apart from greetings and grimace-y smiles, or blab out the wrong thing and internally yell at myself for the rest of the interaction and five years afterward. I'm okay with absolute strangers and my absolute best friends, but horrible with everyone in between those two extremes- especially adults. Sometimes, though, something just clicks between me and the other person, and then my mind starts functioning properly and I can be myself and the world is a happy beautiful place of words and birds. The Cookie had told me that her mother had no awkwardness in an attempt to comfort me when I'd aired my worries earlier, but I'd disregarded her because there was awkwardness in me. Except this time...there wasn't. I spent the weekend living with the Cookie, and her mom and her cousin (and her cat), and I didn't shut up from the moment her mom came to pick me up at the station until the morning I left. I probably jabbered about all of the feelings I have ever felt in my life, and narrated every interesting anecdote I had to narrate, and some not-so-interesting ones, and still the conversation just flowed, and it was beautiful even though I'm pretty sure everyone wanted me to shut up after a point. It was really weird to feel that comfortable around people I'd just met, but it happened, and it was the best thing ever, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. 
3. Ron. Ron is the Cookie's cousin, and probably one of two readers on my blog whom I don't (didn't) know. She writes great stuff over at moronsoriginally and is even awesomer than you would imagine with such an epic pun of a url to be. She's also sweeter than my morning cup of milk, which has approximately five hundred tablespoons of sugar in it. Cookie had told me she was excited to see me, which was a really...weird (also awesome) feeling, because it's weird having someone be a fan of your work, especially when your work basically consists of you talking (whining) about your feelings? But anyway, despite what Cookie told me I was in no way to prepared to be met by the human-shaped bundle of happiness and good energy that Ron is. Cookie left us alone when she went to take a shower, and I internally shot daggers at her because WHY WAS SHE LEAVING ME ALONE TO STUTTER AWKWARDLY WITH THIS PERSON I'D JUST MET SHOWERS ARE ENTIRELY OVERRATED AND SHE DID NOT HAVE TO TAKE ONE. But instead of staring intently at the wall, we chattered nonstop, about writing and dream jobs and life, and again, it was like we'd known each other forever. Did I mention that she got me a present, and wrote me the sweetest note and words of encouragement that have ever been written? She is a real person and not a sugar fairy though, so she has since also  been amazingly sarcastic and evil and I'm sure she would poke me with a spoon if I was around there, but she also wrote that she would share her apple crumble with me (along with more insanely sweet things that I cannot even try tocompete with STOP BEING SO AWESOME), and you'd better bet I'm going to hold her to that. :D Also, her spaghetti and meatballs were amazing. That is all. 
4. The Cat. (Not to be confused with the Cat I've mentioned earlier, who is an actual person whom I'm friends with. This was literally a cat.) She followed me around everywhere and lurked in the corners and behind curtains and stared at me in a mixture of fear and dominance. The thing that made me connect with her on a deep spiritual level, though, was when she snuggled under the covers and slept for eight straight hours. In the day. As a nap. I don't sleep that much across two nights in college. She is officially my idol. I also eventually managed to pet her the night before I left (which was also the night after I arrived, I wish weekends were longer) before she ran away and glowered at me from a shelf. She had the softest fur and I would like a pet now please, thank you.
5. The Entry. Hugging the Cookie on her bed is definitely in my Top Ten Most Fulfilling Moments in life. We had waited and dreamed and hoped and planned for so long, and it finally actually happened, and it was magical.
6. The Surprise(s). Nobody else knew I was coming, and may I just tell you that surprising your friends with a visit is the most fulfilling thing ever? Marshmallow squealed and hurled herself at me and asked "What is even happening?!" for ten minutes straight. Laani took a step back and swore and jabbed me (hard) in the forehead. Koko blinked and threw questions at me like I was competing for the Koffee Hamper. (So many similes in this post.) It was basically awesome to cause so much happiness.
7. Breakfast with two other friends, at a childhood haunt where I ordered my childhood favourite staple.
8. Lunch with another friend, whom I don't keep in constant touch with, but that never seems to matter because whenever we meet we talk nonstop for a few hours and are all caught up and it's like we never parted.
9. Buying my pretty scarf with birds on it!!!
10. Late night talking about feelings with the Cookie.
11. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor!!!!
12. Just. Being home, and existing in the same physical space as almost all of my most favourite people in the world. There are some dreams that are so beautiful, you don't want to ruin them by bringing them to reality because what reality could match up to the world inside your head? But then there are some realities which surpass even your wildest dreams. Thank you, home, for being so good to me.

Love,

~Sam