I'm sorry. In advance. My last post sucked, and this one is going the same way, at least in my head. I highly doubt you give a damn about what I'm going to say, but I want to talk and vent and have no one talk back, and empty pages are perfect for that. My diary is unavailable, and this is the next best thing. It's actually the best thing, I prefer blogging to diary-writing anyway. It seems less emo-ish, is that weird? And more productive, somehow, and less childish. I don't even know what I'm saying any more.
Whatever. I've tried to write so often in the past few days-or is it weeks? I don't even remember when the last time was that I uploaded a proper post, with something that I actually wanted to talk about instead of just random updates and thoughts. Well, they're all random thoughts, but you get what I mean. I hope.
I hope. I try to. In God, in human beings, in justice. It's usually for no reason. No miracle saves the day, people don't suddenly become wise and wonderful, the world is still unfair. And yet I persevere, because you have to hope, right? You have to hope to live, because without hope there really is no point to it all. If you don't hope for a better tomorrow, then why would you suffer today?
Maybe fear is another reason to live, though. Fear of the unknown-fear that what comes after death might actually be worse than life. I don't want to live of fear.
This is funny, because I was actually going to do a post once on the reasons to live. The reasons that I live. It's still sitting in my drafts-box, empty.
The thing is, I think too much. I think and I think and I reach a conclusion, and then I think some more and I ruin it all. Whoever said ignorance is bliss had the right idea. Knowledge might be power, but I'd choose bliss over power any day. The more I think, the less certain I become, and the less certain I become, the more frustrated I am. And God am I frustrated right now. Nothing is certain in my life, because there's so much blasted information everywhere, and I'm so ignorant of it-not of all of it, that would be too beneficent of the Gods; I know enough of it to know that I should know more, but not enough to make me feel like I know enough.
That makes sense, right?
I'm thinking so much that I'm losing track of what's real. I have almost no opinions any more because I can see both sides and neither can convince me. And I liked having opinions. I wish I could go back to being an ignorant 12 year old whose biggest concern was classroom bullying, who didn't give a damn about life and death and religion and economy, who didn't have to give a damn about any of it, who was old enough to have a bit of freedom, young enough to enjoy that limited freedom without yearning for more, and innocent enough to endure all those little pleasures and problems without thinking too much about them. I want to be a kid again. I don't want to be old. I don't want to be wise. Enlightenment never got anyone anywhere. The wise people in all the movies and books are always alone, always lonely, have you ever noticed? I want to be an average, happy human being. I don't care about being extraordinary any more. I don't care about leaving a mark on the world. I don't care about the shit that's happening to the world, the wars and the subterfuge and the global warming and the poverty and the sickness and the sins. I just want to be happy. If it's just an illusion, I don't care. If you were happy in a dream, would you want to wake up?
~Sam
Whatever. I've tried to write so often in the past few days-or is it weeks? I don't even remember when the last time was that I uploaded a proper post, with something that I actually wanted to talk about instead of just random updates and thoughts. Well, they're all random thoughts, but you get what I mean. I hope.
I hope. I try to. In God, in human beings, in justice. It's usually for no reason. No miracle saves the day, people don't suddenly become wise and wonderful, the world is still unfair. And yet I persevere, because you have to hope, right? You have to hope to live, because without hope there really is no point to it all. If you don't hope for a better tomorrow, then why would you suffer today?
Maybe fear is another reason to live, though. Fear of the unknown-fear that what comes after death might actually be worse than life. I don't want to live of fear.
This is funny, because I was actually going to do a post once on the reasons to live. The reasons that I live. It's still sitting in my drafts-box, empty.
The thing is, I think too much. I think and I think and I reach a conclusion, and then I think some more and I ruin it all. Whoever said ignorance is bliss had the right idea. Knowledge might be power, but I'd choose bliss over power any day. The more I think, the less certain I become, and the less certain I become, the more frustrated I am. And God am I frustrated right now. Nothing is certain in my life, because there's so much blasted information everywhere, and I'm so ignorant of it-not of all of it, that would be too beneficent of the Gods; I know enough of it to know that I should know more, but not enough to make me feel like I know enough.
That makes sense, right?
I'm thinking so much that I'm losing track of what's real. I have almost no opinions any more because I can see both sides and neither can convince me. And I liked having opinions. I wish I could go back to being an ignorant 12 year old whose biggest concern was classroom bullying, who didn't give a damn about life and death and religion and economy, who didn't have to give a damn about any of it, who was old enough to have a bit of freedom, young enough to enjoy that limited freedom without yearning for more, and innocent enough to endure all those little pleasures and problems without thinking too much about them. I want to be a kid again. I don't want to be old. I don't want to be wise. Enlightenment never got anyone anywhere. The wise people in all the movies and books are always alone, always lonely, have you ever noticed? I want to be an average, happy human being. I don't care about being extraordinary any more. I don't care about leaving a mark on the world. I don't care about the shit that's happening to the world, the wars and the subterfuge and the global warming and the poverty and the sickness and the sins. I just want to be happy. If it's just an illusion, I don't care. If you were happy in a dream, would you want to wake up?
~Sam
delete this comment once you've read it. or you could leave it to show the world+remind yourself what a good friend you have. whatever. anyway, you are scaring me. what is wrong? haven't got a text from you in days. is everything ok? text me. ASAP.
ReplyDeleteMalko's right, I'm fine, honest =) Just trying to figure out my head.
DeleteShes fine. Shes just going through what I call 'loathing the ways of the world' depression.
ReplyDeleteStory of my life.
Could happen to anyone. No worries.
ah ok..things like that happen to me too..only i never write about it, so i never realise how scary it sounds...so now i shall not panic whenever Sam's posts are scarily depressive..oh and congratulations on your 100th post you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteExactly. Its not our 100th yet baby, its still only 98. Thank you in advance though! =P
ReplyDeletebut malko says it is 100!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt is sam!
ReplyDeleteJeez, no its not! There's a difference between published posts and drafts love. The total includes both, but only 98 are published. Our 100th post is NOT going to be this stupid depressing thing! =/
ReplyDeleteThe truth is, average people aren't happy. Look at it this way.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you do with a life? You think, you do, you feel.
What makes a person average? Average thinking, average doing, average feeling.
These people are not happy, because they are average.
They care about things that only immediately affect them, they don't think with effort.
They don't do the things they want to do, they are afraid,
Their emotions are average too.
They will love, but their love will be selfish, it will be for comfort, for shelter, from all the things that they are afraid of, from all the things that will affect them because of their lack of wisdom.
They will be loved for the same reasons too. Because love requires understanding, and only another average person will understand them.
Wouldn't you rather be someone who thinks harder? Not only about the things that are, but things that will be. Things that will not only affect you, but also others around you.
Wouldn't you rather be someone who has ambition? Not only to do the things that you have to do, but want to do. Things that will not only help you, but also others around you.
Wouldn't you rather love someone to share your hopes and dreams with, and help each other in achieving them, or indeed achieving them together? And not because they want someone to comfort and shelter them, so that they can feel okay? The same way you would have wanted if you were average.
Oh, and ignorance is not bliss.
Ignorance is having an infatuation with the star cheerleader in school because you don't know about the absolute angel who lives down the street.
It's Transformers 3 being your favourite movie because you didn't know about Inception.
It's being preoccupied with movies and seeking attention from the cheerleader when nations are corrupt, and constantly at war.
It's about thinking these problems are important because you didn't know about Anthropogenic Global Warming.
Ignorance will almost certainly be the reason that you deprived yourself of life’s greatest pleasures and indulged in stupid, trivial things that come at a great cost, for your whole life. And it will also certainly lead to your ruin.
If a little logic and reasoning is utilised, the fact that striving to be more and knowledge/wisdom are very much intertwined, becomes clear.
Okay that comment is long. I spent a bit of time writing it because this insufferable attitude about ignorance and self pity annoys me. I've never read this blog before, I probably won't come back either. I'm sure you have quite a few legitimate problems that are causing you to feel like this, but if you feel the same way again, know that it's not right. That everybody can be better than this.
ReplyDeleteRight and wrong, happiness and ruin, and ignorance and wisdom are a matter of perspective; and average people are usually happy in their obscurity (i.e., if they're truly average and not just suppressed awesome; I wouldn't be because I don't believe I'm average).
ReplyDeleteBUT. I agree with almost everything you said. Though I meant every word I wrote when I wrote it, and probably will wallow in it again the next time I'm down, I'm not usually that person. I'm the one who thinks harder, tries harder and looks deeper. I'm usually the person trying to drag other people out of self-pity and into happiness. The preacher of the group who talks about all the things that can be. The person who does give a damn about anthropogenic global warming.
But I'm also the human being who does feel down at times, and that's when I come here to rant.
And don't worry, I'm glad you wrote that, and even gladder that a total stranger did this for another stranger. And I guess I turned out to be right about blogging being better than diary writing, because a diary wouldn't have reminded me of the other side, would it?
Even though you probably won't read this if you aren't coming back here, I just wanted to put that out there, and thank you. Because now when I feel depressed and re-read my post, I'll read this, too.
Oh, and I'm probably going to reblog that when I have more time. I'm assuming you don't mind.