Flying

I'm flying and I'm thinking about how quickly flying has become just another mundane thing, to take us from one headache to another. I'm thinking about how if humans could fly they would call it exercise and wouldn't. I'm thinking about how many beautiful things we fail to appreciate simply because we have them. I'm looking at the sky out the window, and I'm thinking of what Van Gogh could have done with this view.
I'm thinking that of course, of course heaven is in the skies. Because what could be more paradise than this, this place above the clouds and below the sky, the sun your equal, the mountains of fog in the distance, the candy floss at your feet?

I've landed and I'm thinking about this one time the books fell on my head and how much that hurt. How little physical pain we deal with in our lives. How much I miss running and why I don't just go running. My issues and whether giving them the importance of Issues is worse than brushing them under the carpet.

I'm driving and I'm thinking about how, in the time I would have procrastinated between lunch and dinner, I've crossed half an ex-continent and just like that, I'm home.

~Sam

Mind games

It scares me so much how good we are at pretending to be normal. To be put together. To be fine, just fine. At one level, it's just faking our way through job interviews and winging it on the actual job, no one being any the wiser that you have no clue what you're doing. A bit of confidence and a smirk can do wonders. But at another level, it's being suicidal with a chirp in your voice, depressed with a bounce in your step. Your best friend could want to hurt herself and you wouldn't even know. Your friend could call you for lunch just so he could shoot you and himself, a la the most recent shooting, and you would have no. Fucking. Clue.

And it scares me that you're just pushed more and more towards that pretended normalcy, towards uniformity, towards hiding your flaws and your humanity. Towards not being "weird." Towards harming yourself and those around you.
How we learn to flick away compliments and stick to insults, how we're so uncritical while believing criticism. And how much it can get to us.

I'm just very scared of the insides of peoples minds, and how it often has no connection at all to the outside.

~Sam

Terrace Nights

I step out onto the terrace
And I can feel the relief enter me
As tangible as the breeze touching me.
I look up,
The stars have put on a show tonight.
I look around,

The trees are still.
The release leaves me
As the dogs bark over the songs in my ears.
But even the howling, fighting mongrels
Cannot take away the serenity of this scene.
When did a dog's howl become serene?
I look up,
I swear I saw that star move,
Run over to its neighbour.
But no, it's right there.
I wonder what the stars talk about?
Do they look down at us and wonder at our lives?
Can we be that important?

~Sam

If Only

If only we could detach body parts.
My hand could go unlock the door while my eyes read,
My hair stir in the breeze while my forehead furrowed.
I could put my uterus aside, let it vent its fury alone,
Throw out those awful cramps and let my body relax.
Send my legs out for a hike while my eyes slept,
Make that brain sit in the corner and think about what it did wrong.
Quiet that stuttering heart in the palm of my hand,
Soothing it, shushing it until it calmed.
I could be healthier,happier, more productive even.
But best of all- I could get away from myself.

~Sam

Marvel

At the dewdrop delicately balancing on the leaf,
Unmatched by any tightrope walker in any circus.
At the flock cutting across the sky,
An annual journey I could not compete with in a lifetime.
At the sky, oh the sky,
All the painters with all the paint could not paint its hues.
At the ant, scurrying about its job,
What does Wall Street have to that ant?
At the indomitable cockroach, wriggling after being crushed,
No Howard Roark could out-spirit that cockroach.
At the beauty of cities,
Are they ever so beautiful as when you're leaving them?

Is the sun ever so beautiful as when it bids goodnight?


Being all sentimental and shit,
~Sam.

September Favourites

September was...quite the month. Tumultuous, I think, would be the word to describe it.

1. I watched a movie by myself. The events-and feelings- just before and just after that were definitely not favourite-worthy, and pretty much sucked to the core, but watching the movie itself was an awesome experience that I'd like to repeat, even though I did subconsciously turn to laugh at something with my absent friends a couple of times. Then I wallowed in my sorrow of that day by indulging in some major retail therapy. I finally bought lipstick!! It's something I've been meaning to do for a while, and after being the highlight of the make-up-selling-woman's day with my total ignorance, I landed on a nice bright pink which is pretty much the opposite of what I was looking for, but with some lip balm to dull it a bit, I love it. Oh, I also bought lychee lip balm! I love it. And a new eye-liner, I was sick of sharpening my old one. Yes, make-up is now important enough to me to deserve a paragraph over here, go away. Oh, and I bought a pretty, princessy hair-clip (which I have since worn once- unsuccessfully- and broken twice) and a ring (too big for me), but they were so pretty and I wasn't exactly in a state of mind to be thinking through my decisions. I did hold myself back from buying this expensive, beautiful (Japanese Cherry Blossom) perfume, though in retrospect I feel I should've just bought it (I totally shouldn't have).
I did learn that feeling like shit and being left alone in a mall are not good for my wallet, though.

2. On to happier things, I did well-ish at that thing I'd mentioned, which means I now have to do another thing, which I'm scared to the bone about messing up, but since I have no choice, let's just hope I work through my fears and this becomes a February Favourite. (It's kind of a long-term thing. I suck at long-term things. Don't you love all of the details I'm giving you?) I also took a lovely walk with a lovely friend, and lay on my back on the cold wet road and looked at the bright starry sky and basically floated on peacefulness.

3. Oh, getting back to make-up, I started this little ritual that I picked up from a friend of mine (hi, you), where I put on make-up when I can't study or do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. And it works. It's also nice to finally have an opportunity to wear my make-up and earrings and rings and pretty things, since I usually don't have the time to do all that before heading to class in the mornings.

4. I swung on the faculty-kids' swings a lot, a lot and it was pretty amazing each time and I'm so happy I finally plucked up the courage to start going there, because I haven't stopped since, and it's my happy place.

5. My boots saw more of the world. Given that I've worn them four times since buying them four or five years ago, and given how much I nagged my mother to buy me a pair, and given how much I spent on them, I think this is a favourite-worthy fact, even if I'm not as fond of them as I once was.

6. All of the midnight make-up application means I finally know how to line my eyes, even the top, which is so awesome. It's basically been a month (and a term, for that matter) of doing things I usually would never have done, whether that be karaoke or a movie alone or make-up or that thing I keep talking about, and that is good, I think.

7. I wore my hair in two braids a lot. I like two braids. It was nice.

8. Doobie and I found a happy place far from the maddening crowd (or perhaps bang in the middle of it, from a more literal perspective).

9. I bought what I think are amazing presents for some of my friends, and also received definitely awesome presents from them in turn, which was wonderful. Gifting, both giving and receiving, makes me so incredibly happy. ^_^

10. But most of all, I ran away from law school, and came home. I needed that so, so much this time. Let's hope home is good to me.

This is all I can think of right now. I didn't keep a draft of my favourites this month, again, because busy and lazy, so I might update this later, but I think I covered everything.

Love, ^_^
~Sam