May Favourites

I will not be late this time. I will not be late this time. I will not be late this time.
I AM NOT LATE THIS TIME. :D

1. The Photograph video. The expression and feelings I had watching this will probably only be repeated when I'm watching my own child take her first steps.
2. Doobie. Idk if you read this,  and I've told you irl, but thank you for being in my life, okay? Now go work, bye.
3. That questionnaire. (Okay, I wrote this at some point at the beginning of the month and now I have no idea what I was referring to.) 
4. Writing! And rereading some of my old stuff, and actually liking parts of it. 
5. Kintsugi. The lyrics and the music and the voice and my state of mind just blended in together to make one of the most beautiful listening experiences I've had in a while. 
6. Cleaning and listening to more beautiful music. 
7. 20.05.15. Going to the cute pizza place with amazing pizza and a furry carpet of a pet dog, getting drenched in the rain and clinging to sanity by discussing in great detail the plot of Race Gurram, cleaning the entire room and getting that lovely letter from Doobie. 
8. This epic wordplay in one of my papers, about how the prima facie standard seems quite low on the face of it. That entire paper, actually, maybe. 
9. A, and breakfast and books and coffee and clothes, and a lovely day. 
10. Pretty clothes! Formal skirts and blouses!! 
11. Mum. 

Now I'm going to go back to ignoring the soft pleas of my beautiful unread novels, and try to get some work done. Wish me luck. 

~Sam 

What's your skill-set?

A couple days ago, V was telling me about her fears of how we would survive a zombie apocalypse, and while talking to her about how I'd probably die in ~5 seconds given my total and utter lack of survival skills, I was hit by an arguably more worrisome thought: my total and utter lack of life skills. I don't know how to drive, or cook; I don't think I've ever been introduced to the concept of saving money; what are taxes even; I cannot sell myself for a job; I clam up in interviews and around strangers and somehow appear as arrogant when that is usually the farthest from who I am; I am some confused liberal feminist person who makes largely conservative choices and isn't very sure of her opinions so I don't really fit in with the liberals or the conservatives and have issues with everyone on the planet basically; I am so confused about myself and my feelings and who I am and who I should be and all that jazz; I am chronically indecisive and also really lazy and basically what I'm saying is that I'm not too concerned about how I'm going to survive the eventual zombie apocalypse because at this point I don't even know how I'm going to survive life.


~Sam 

For You

"Dear You,

Today my pen stopped working, and I finally got the courage to write how I feel about you. I checked three times to make sure it really had stopped working, scribbling inklessly across pages and pages, ensuring it wouldn't betray me with ink at the last moment. It didn't work, and the haunting (evocative? beautiful?) music played on, and it really was too dramatic a moment to pass by, and so I wrote. I wrote that I loved you, and that I was a fool, and I wondered to the still-blank sheet why I must be like this. I wrote that you were beautiful, and I was not, but it would be the same even if it was any other way, if I was beautiful and you were not, or we both were, or we both were not- because I would still be in love, and you would not. The sheet listened, oh it listened like you never could, absorbing every word, and leaving just enough of an impression to show it was listening, and I wrote everything, I said it all. And then I rubbed the sheet out gently, rubbed out every indention of my emotions, rubbed till my hand was warm and the paper was smooth and every slightest trace of my love gone. 

And now I've confessed all I felt, and all I'm left with is a blank sheet and a pen which does not work.

Love,
Me." 

What Am I Doing?

What am I doing?
I open up your chat window
And stare at it quietly
Praying, craving, wishing, hoping
You'll say something
(SAY SOMETHING)
I scream at you internally
Not a flicker of emotion crossing my face.

What am I doing?
I eat a slice of pizza
I really don't need
While I flick through your pictures
Again- nothing new, but old is still gold
There's the funny one, the cute one, the hot one
Same things, same place, same order
Nothing has changed.

What am I doing?
I chat with your friend,
Your mom, your dad, your girlfriend
All the while glowering at your picture
Waiting for you to say something
A link, a rant, a picture, a hi
I'll take anything
Just say something.


~Emo Sam Part III

Click

Something just clicked
As I talked to you that last time
And things that were floating
Settled once more into reality
As I wondered why
I was spending so much time and energy
Effort and emotion
On someone who wasn't even real.

~Emo Sam Part II

The Culvert

I spanned across a little stream, carrying people from one place in life to another, from joy to sorrow, or sorrow to ecstasy, births to funerals to airports and planes, or simply from home to work and work to home again. Footsteps stumbled by all day, never stopping, never seeing--but sometimes the crowds thinned, the walking slowed and the eyes met. That was when the stories were made.

There was the brown-haired man who walked with a Lily in the mornings and a Rose in the evenings, who kissed both and loved neither, but who stood in the afternoons with his mother, feeding pigeons and sharing smiles. There was the mother, who looked back every time they parted, who knew exactly what her son was - and who he was capable of being.

There was the man with the stained shirt and the happy heart, whose wife ran after him daily, infallibly, for she had forgotten to give him his lunch, and he had forgotten to take it. He turned around, remembering, just as she came panting behind him- both pairs of eyes rolling in exasperation, both pairs of lips upturned in secret delight. A more synchronized dance I had never seen.

There was the white-toothed woman who was more capricious than a diamond in the sparkling sunlight. Never was there a more vivacious imp than her in company, but she seemed dulled to coal whenever she came to me alone. Her clothes fully covered her body, but they hid more than just her modesty. Behind closed doors, behind closed doors.

There was the young butcher's apprentice, who, it seemed, had his existential crisis scheduled for the Thursday evenings he visited me. Head down, frown up, he'd amble over, staring at his feet and his bloodstained nails, throwing pebbles in the water and glaring at the sky as though it had caused him personal affront. It was the bloody sunset he had special attention for, though, and he devoured it hungrily, all the ugly shades of red he was so familiar with, made so beautiful. It was when he came to me on a Wednesday, or a Monday, though, that I worried, and then I made sure to push my finest pebbles up for him to flick to the water; to push my railings a little higher, so he wouldn't fall over- accidentally, of course.

There were the workmen who came by once in a while to give me a touch-up, the ones who called out to women and the ones who didn't; the ones who meant harm and the ones who just didn't know any better. Some of them, I made sure, left with pebbles in their shoes that would stick in the tiniest corner, and bother them for days to come; some I made sure even the mud didn't touch.

And then, once in a blessed blue moon, was the gentle old lady in white, my love if only she'd been a bridge and not a widow bride, who came by for no other reason, it seemed, than to sit with me, and watch with me. She'd sit there the whole day, one of my pebbles in her hands, rubbing its smooth edge, smiling at the happy forgetful couple as I smiled, glancing with gentle concern at the apprentice as I did, exchanging nods with the cheat and his mother as I never could. Once, I thought, as she put back the pebble in its place and gathered herself to leave, she even whispered a goodbye to me.



~Sam

Not About You

Tell me you love me.
Tell me you choose me.
Tell me you'll change your mind for me.
Tell me you'll trust me.
Tell me you'll make me trust you.
Tell me I'm important.
Tell me I'm right.
Tell me I'm enough.
Tell me sometimes, I'm everything.
Tell me you won't leave me.
Tell me everything.
And listen to me, and maybe I'll tell you, too. 

Maybe I already have. 


~Emo Sam

Too many people I know, know about this blog. Bah. 

References

Somewhere Over the Rainbow reminds me of Cookie. Candles remind me of Koko. Yoda and yoda-like english is Chocolate Bomb, always. Scarves remind me of Marshmallow and Zayn reminds me of Laani. Backscratching reminds me of the Cat, massages remind me of Doobie, my red coat reminds me of my mother's love and happy times. My shoes remind me of my old school, of when I bought them and I argued with the teacher that they fulfilled the rule that shoes must be predominantly black, even though these are a borderline case with all that pink - and of younger times when the colour of your shoes was so important, and when a crush took over your entire world. Certain kinds of books remind me of Popo, and fangirling over Sherlock reminds me of sparkykitty.
These are only some of the references to some of the people in my life, a handful of things reminding me of a handful of people. There are so many more- chairs and books and shoes and bags and and songs and pictures and floors and ceilings- that remind me of so many more people, so many mundane things that are so extraordinary to my heart, and all of that just reminds me of this:

"A wall broke my heart. A wet field of grass broke my heart. A child hugging his parents legs in an airport broke my heart. Water in a bath has broken my heart. A tattoo has broken my heart. A photograph on the internet broke my heart. A watch broke my heart. Holding my breath underwater broke my heart.

You have your unique fractures along your heart, and I have mine. And maybe there is nothing, anywhere, that doesn't break someone's heart."

-Iain Thomas 

~Sam

April Favourites

I don't know why I keep forgetting about these, my mind is all over the place these days. That apart, April is such a pretty name for a month! Getting to it, now:

1. Cookie's Emails. These are a kind of constant favourite, but this is the month when I realized they haven't been officially recognized yet (I think). Just seeing her name in my inbox brightens my face, and actually reading the email brightens up my whole day. -sentiments- 
2. RC's music. Like this and this and this. 
3. The Thinking Out Loud music video. Youtube randomly gifted it to be one evening, and I fell in love with it all over again; and then it started playing in a shop randomly and the corners of my mouth just lifted. At this point, this is so going to be my wedding song (in the event that I have a wedding song). 
4. My Abba spree this one random evening, when it was raining outside and the beautiful city breeze was back, and I'd woken up at 4:20 in the pm, and everything was just unreal and sort of floating on air. 
5. ICE CREAM. Cake and fudge, you are my life now. Along with cookies and cream, of course. And waffle cones. WAFFLE CONES.  
6. Cheesecake from my favourite cheesecake place (twice!). Having a favourite cheesecake place! Cheesecake! Also, hot chocolate from my favourite cheesecake place! Also also, the eggless toffee chocolate cake from my favourite cheesecake place. Basically, everything. Everything from my favourite cheesecake place.
7. 4am conversation with a friend. Gracias. 
8. The Opposite of Loneliness. Some of those essays hit home, square in the front yard. 
9. The joy and relief of getting my internship, and of finding out I'd be going to Delhi again and could thus a) chill with my cousins and b) get my hair cut by Shahid!
10. Pushing Daisies! <3 Everything about this show is so perfect- from Chuck's fifties style dresses to Emerson's smartassness to Ned's piemaking and gawkiness and everything, Ned's everything. And the narrator of course, Jim Dale makes everything perfect. 
11. Regina. At this point, she is the only character I like in Once Upon A Time, but man do I love her. 
12. Poetry! So much pretty poetry! RC's and Anne Sexton's and Maya Angelou's and and this one oh my god, and that Who's Your Poet BFF quiz that started this whole spree.
13. Philip Pullman's Northern Lights, again. Rereading old favourites is such a pleasure, I wish I could do it all the time (but no, there are too many new books to read for me to have that privilege). 
14. Long facebook conversations with new friends and old. 
15. Writing that paragraph of the Zaara story that V made me write for her, and contemplating writing more. (Pfft.)
16. EGO BOOST CONVERSATIONS. :D "Praise me, bitch." 
17. Making sparkykitty laugh at all the unintentionally funny parts of Avengers (which also happened to be pretty much the only parts of the movie I actually enjoyed).
18. A couple of pretty damn good hazelnut lattes. 
19. The children's section of this pretty old bookstore, with all those beautifully bound books of fairytales. Sigh. 

Okay, that's all for now. Ta!

~Sam 

March Favourites

I'M LATE. Again! I'm so sorry. :( So much has happened this last month, I absolutely forgot about my humble favourites list. But here, very briefly, are the favourites I did keep track of/remember:

1. The day before the first day of term. I love this calm before the storm, this one day in limbo where you're alone- just before you're thrust into the activities of the term, and just after the packing and goodbyes from home- a day of cleaning and unpacking and thinking and being and putting things in order for a new beginning.
2. HOME. AGAIN. SO EPIC. I CANNOT DESCRIBE. BEAUTIFUL. I met Marshmallow (our first sleepover everrrrrrrrrrrr) and Malko (our first sleepover everrrrrrrrr) and Casey (his first butter chicken everrrrrrr, and also my first virtual reality experience everrrrrrr) and other friends and I hung out with people I'd ordinarily never talk to and had so much fun and we played dumb charades after so long and I laughed so much and it was basically the best three days of my life since the last time I went home. Which was only last month!!! :D
3. The prologue of this book I read, Let the Great World Spin, which has to be one of the best combinations of words ever to have been written. I read the entire thing out loud, it was that beautiful.
4. A couple of my friends from home came over to see me, and I had the most amazing three days with them (I've had a lot of fun three-day experiences in the recent past, clearly). I finally understood how a staycation can be calming- I was right here, but it felt like a vacation from reality. Not to mention that this was the first time the three of us had properly hung out in about five years, and then first time the three of us were meeting together in about two years. 
5. I went for this event called "Dramatic Reading of Bad Literature," which is exactly what it sounds like, and exactly as painfully funny as you think. 
6. I went for a road trip to Pondi which some friends, and while there we went to a restaurant, one of those places which automatically lift your spirits and make the world seem like a better place (though I suppose an hour spent watching the waves crash on the rocks facilitated that mood as well). We were the only people sitting inside, eating our amazing food and drinking our amazing drinks and laughing and talking, and it was picture-perfect-- and then a Frenchman called David came in and started playing the violin, just for us, and I cannot even describe what it felt like.
7. Season 3 of Once Upon A Time. 

~Sam

Star-addicted

Virtual reality-
The stars above you,
Two inches from your face,
Turn left and they're so much closer-
You can see the crystals, the sharp edges-
Right, and they're distant lights again.
Is that how life is?
(This is where this gets pretentious.)
Look up close at the sharp angles and mistakes,
Or far away at the general joy
(General Joy, salute, mandatory reference made)
and sadness, regrets and nostalgia.
Who makes this choice, are we born with it?
Do we decide how to see the glass,
Half-full or half-empty, beer or wine?
(I don't know what I'm saying.)
Oh yes- the stars-
They're beautiful, are they not?
So pretty, so romantic,
Those burning balls of fire,
Consuming gas, imploding, exploding-
Whatever it is that stars do.
Whatever it is that lovers do.


~Sam 

An envelope full of memories.

Emptying out my backpack-
Too full of fly-about sheets for my sanity-
I rifle through a month full of memories.
Receipts, from conversations and lunches,
Their faded typed lettering reflective of so much more than numbers-
Reflective of squeals squealed and hugs inflicted,
Happiness relived and memories both shared and made.
Hastily scribbled napkins with dates and times and tiny snippets of life;
Tickets, which say the flight time is two hours,
But I know better- I know how many years and weeks and months it took to reach there.
Boarding passes, reminiscent of a stinging embarrassment, when I left one behind on the counter-
Reminiscent of the night of sleepless revelry that led to such forgetfulness-
Reminiscent of all that came before and all that came after.
Cards, thrust into my hands by eager shopkeepers,
Symbols of purchases made, of another day and another friend, of brownies and twinship,
Of a slight rebelliousness in the air that day,
Which leads back again to other days,
Other memories-
A lifetime full of memories.
My envelope full of memories.

~Sam

February Favourites

Look, alliteration!
I know I'm late, but my internship ended yesterday and I figured I'd write this after wrapping up that part of my life. And maybe because I was lazy. Moving on, this is going to be another stupendously long post, so enjoy!

1. My first favourite leads from my last post (and all my other posts) and is basically Sakhzi's unfailing declaration of love for all my favourites posts. I love doing them, and it's nice to know they're making other people's hearts warm too. ^_^ 
2. As I think I've mentioned, I'm with my aunt for the holidays, and as always, it's been wonderful. I love having a sister in the house, I love being with my aunt, I love having a younger sibling to defend from his evil older sibling. I also love this place and all its cool hangout spots, and winter clothing and boots and coats and scarves and gloves and beanies and hot chocolate- I'm beginning to realize I really like winter when I'm warm. One particularly fond memory is from the night before my aunt's birthday, where she gave me precisely one drop of vodka mixed with half a glass of cranberry juice and asked me to try out her cocktail, and then my cousin and I laughed at her (she has a tendency to talk about taking us drinking, but when it came to it...) and we chilled and talked all evening.
3. This one night (which seems like another lifetime, not just last month) where we went out and I had coffee lava cake (so good!). I was lost over the main course- food courts are not meant for indecisive people like me, usually I just wander in circles looking at all the choices and see which one I can visualize myself eating that night, a process which involves many evocations of "Sam, have you decided yet? Sam, we're leaving. Sam?" One kindly behind-the-counter person saw my plight and decided to step in and help me, and asked me whether I was vegetarian or non-vegetarian. Then he narrowed down my life to precisely two choices of different kinds of chicken, and since one was meant to be shared, I was left with one, and that is what I ate (heads up- harissa chicken? Amazing). He was a godsend, and I firmly believe that every food court should have such decision making angels. One thing I do regret from that night is that he'd asked me to give him feedback, but when I went to tell him his chicken was awesome he was talking to someone and I didn't want to awkwardly disturb him so I thought I'd come back later, but then we left in a hurry and I forgot. :( 
4. Internship! Parts of it sucked- like the freezing cold in the office, and being told by one of the juniors that I needed to be more proactive after an already shitty day of headaches and life sadness, but most of it was absolutely wonderful. I loved the chaos of court, though not so much the waiting; I loved hearing about crazy clients and pointless cases; I loved learning about everything I'd never even have heard of in law school; I loved the bright-eyed thrill of finding the perfect bit of information, or the most fitting case after searching for hours; I loved walking with my long black coat and slight heels and feeling all cool; I loved the car-rides with random conversations, with the beautiful city outside the window- one favourite was when they asked me if One Direction had been my boy band while growing up, and I scoffed at the idea and said no, of course not, Backstreet was my boy band, One Direction only got on the scene when I was like already sixteen and ancient, I'm not that young. And then they all laughed at me, and I smiled too because it cracked the ice a little more- I was pretty awkward for like the first three of my four weeks, and they'd already teased me about being far too scared of them and jumping every time someone called me. This is one of the times I wish I was a little more...proactive, I suppose ( :P ) and a little less awkward, because I could have done a lot more if I'd been less underconfident and shy or whatever the hell I am. Either way, it was an amazing learning experience, and at the end of it I got a sweet note AND MY FIRST STIPEND EVER, and now I don't know what to do with it. 
5. News of Harper Lee's Mockingbird sequel, Go Set A Watchman! I'm slightly less delighted now than I was when I first heard the news- which was met with increasing levels of squealing as we realized first, that there was another book by her, and second that it was a sequel oh sweet mother  A SEQUEL- because of all the mess about whether this was actually done with her free and informed consent or not. So now I don't know how to feel, but ignoring all the mess and focusing just on the book, I AM SO EXCITED. To Kill A Mockingbird is one of my absolute favourite books of all time- to the extent that, as I've written about earlier, my ideal tattoo would be three birds circling on my wrist, a nightingale (because Ode to a Nightingale) and a mockingbird and a bluejay, because this book is life. Which, I know, sets a very high standard for the next one, which adds to the conflicted feelings, but my overwhelming feeling is one of happiness, so this deserves a spot on here. 
6. My favouritest TV show ever started filming this month! Koko went all extra and told us that it was airing this month and we all went wild, until Laani informed us that they were only starting filming- which is still good enough for me. YAYAYAYY!
7. Once Upon A Time is another TV show that I'm beginning to really like (though the second season is largely annoying, but I'm informed that the third is brilliant), to the extent that I want to cosplay as one of its characters for Comic Con. She isn't my favouritest character on the show, but her outfit is cool, so she's my choice as of now. Please pray I find nice, cheap clothes. Also, if I manage to do it, it'll be my first cosplay ever, SO OMG EXCITEMENT.
8. I finally bought Baby Lips, and I love it! Yes, lip balm is a favourite, shut up. I ALSO BOUGHT RED LIPSTICK. FROM SEPHORA. FINALLY. My life is now complete.
9. This one evening when we went to this amazing Italian restaurant, and I had shandy and a sip of beer which wasn't completely disgusting, and, most importantly, baked potato with cheese and chicken!!!! And banofee pie! Both of which I'd been craving 5ever. 
10. A certain annoying friend of mine, Casey, stalked my facebook and brought up embarrassing old posts which left me weeping and laughing at the same time, because omgwhatwasIthinking, but also omgirememberthatmemories!
11. One of the posts that he brought up was one of those chain thingies, where if you liked my status I would tell you my first impression of you, how we met, your best feature, what I like about you, what reminds me of you, my favourite memory of us, a rating of your profile picture, what I think we should do and whether you should post this as your status. Evil as they are, a whole bunch of my friends liked the status, and my kindliness led me to answer all of them, which, again, led me down memory lane and teary smiles. It also led to me making everyone else also put this up as their status, one of which eventually ended in a ~2200 comment thread because we are just that jobless. 
12. I met a couple of my friends, which is always fun, but getting to meet the Chocolate Bomb, thrice, after I don't even know how long, takes the cake. I love her so much, I can't even express it. 
13. BOMBAY. I went there for the competition I'd been researching on/dying over/whining about since October, and despite promising myself I would not put myself through this again, the thrill of actually presenting my work was so great that now I'm considering doing it again, and I don't know how to feel about that. That confusion is for another day, however- first let me rave about Bombay:
1. The sea. How does anyone get any work there? If I lived there, I would just sit by the sea all day and stare out at the water thinking about anything and everything, or just nothing. I did do that one night, chilling by Marine Drive, and it was so...serene.
2. I got to meet Sakhzi! We shopped and talked and ate the most amazing brownies ever made- including a cookie brownie, which is the most amazing creation that can ever be made, with the exception perhaps of a brownie cookie. 
3. The after party, after the competition, the details of which are not appropriate for a public forum, but which, let me just say, was amazing.
4. The beautiful, too small, cupcakes the hosts greeted us with, and the excitement of finally being there after so long. 
5. The fondness I feel for parts of this experience after it is over. Some weird Stockholm Syndrome is at play here, I tell you, I despised everything except the oral presentation while working, and now I suddenly love just about all of it. 
6. Finding sticky notes we'd passed to each other during our rounds, later, and feeling all nostalgic. 
7. Meeting my uncle and aunt after I don't even know how many years.
8. Being a badass rebel and climbing the shoe house (yes, that is what it sounds like) meant for kids under 12 and standing at the balcony and looking out at the pretty gardens and the sea and feeling like a princess, even though in the story the witch built the house to trap kids or whatever. Also, I kind of may have started a rebellion because when I left everyone was clambering all over the shoe, which made me feel all Mockingjay. 
9. Oh, I forgot to mention, I fell in love. One of our alumni took a practice round for us, and he is just the sweetest, smartest and cutest man on the planet, end of discussion. He was adorable, and his house was littered with Calvin and Hobbes cushions. How could anyone resist? This apart, the general sweetness of our seniors in helping us out was very touching, and some of them did a lot more than anyone would have expected. <3
10. Nyancat aka team mommy aka my adoptive room mother. She is a favourite. That is all.
11. One of the many things I liked about this trip was that I wasn't as rule-abiding as I usually am. Under the experienced tutelage of my teammate, we skipped a super-boring event to go to cool fests being held in the city (where we serendipitously stumbled across a most delicious scent of waffles, and eventually the waffles themselves, which we devoured and then we walked and talked and sat and talked and just had a wonderful evening). I then skipped another pointless event to nap, and partially missed another one to hang out with Sakhzi. I chilled at Marine Drive at 2am. I hugged a cute boy and had a bad-Backstreet-Boy singalong with another one. I danced. I laughed. I lived. #drama
14. HOW COULD I FORGET, I COOKED! Pasta! I'd bought the sauce after tasting a free sample while waiting for Bomb to come see me, and then I decided I would make the pasta myself, and I did (with some help)! I have pictures to prove it too! And it was edible! And all of it got eaten! B| Successfully cooking (and also successfully wearing formals every day for a month, which believe me was torture, I think I'm studying for the wrong profession) made me realize that maybe I won't completely fail at adulhood, which was a nice moment. 
15. I made this new friend, RC, and got some amazing music from him. Current favourite: One Headlight, by The Wallflowers. I also got an epic book recommendation which I will read and review as soon as I can get my hands on it.
16. I did a bit of shopping which always lights up the materialist in me- I bought the cutest tiny leather bag which will only carry my phone and some money, which was a size I'd been looking for; and three pairs of pretty earrings and another bag and a few scarves and Spongebob pajamas and a pretty kurti which I currently love and other things I don't remember. 
17. AND NOW I HAVE LEGIT HOLIDAYS FOR ALL OF FIVE DAYS WHEN I CAN CHILL WOOHOO!

Okay, I have to go now. Forgive me for any typos, I haven't been able to proofread, but I need to run and this post is late enough as is. 

Ta!

~Sam

I wonder.

I don't remember when I wrote this, but I found it sitting in my drafts box and thought I'd post something apart from Monthly Favourites for a change. ^_^

_______

I wonder who talks about me, the way I talk about you.
Who looks at me across the room and forces their eyes in another direction, lest they be caught?
Who texts their friends furiously when I'm nice, when I'm mean, when I smile, when I frown,
Basically- whenever I'm around?
Who is extra-awkward, and tries extra-hard to ignore my existence (their efforts unnoticed),
Because isn't that how flirting works?
I wonder who feels about me, the way I feel about you.

~Sam 

A Procrastinator's Life For Me

Today, I had to do one of three big Tasks. It's 12:18 a.m. right now and so far I have:

1. Chilled with my cousin and aunt.
2. Whatsapped.
3. Eaten dinner.
4. Checked my phone for notifications.
5. Chilled more with my cousin and aunt.
6. Whatsapped.
7. Watched one episode of Once Upon A Time ("just one").
8. Checked my phone for notifications.
9. Craved chocolate cake and got a nutella sandwich instead, a fair trade I think.
10. Whatsapped.
11. Watched another episode of Once Upon A Time.
12. Checked my phone for notifications.
13. Opened up facebook in order to keep from watching another episode of Once Upon A Time.
14. Whatsapped.
15. Scrolled through facebook.
16. Read a bunch of random links, none of which were meaningful enough for me to remember now, a mere hour later.
17. Checked my phone for notifications.
18. Changed my whatsapp profile picture (thrice). 
19. Whatsapped friends.
20. Listened to Jealous by Nick Jonas because the Marshmallow was singing it on whatsapp.
21. Watched the Blank Space video because YouTube auto-play played it and who am I not to bend to YouTube's will? 
22. Checked my phone for notifications.
23. Scrolled through my iTunes hunting for a nice song to play as I worked. 
24. Stalked my own blog.
25. Stalked Malko and my bios on our blog.
26.  Checked my phone for notifications. 
27. Thought about waking up early tomorrow and working.
28. Thought about how I didn't wake up early today and work.
29. Instgrammed.
30. Snapchatted.
31. Documented my unhappiness regarding work in a snapchat selfie.
32. Stalked everyone's snapchat story.
33. Checked my phone for notifications.
34. Written this post.

I think I'm going to go now.

~Sam 

An Open Letter to Neymar Jr On His 23rd Birthday

Neymar. I remember the moment he walked, nay, nutmegged into my life. It was during the World Cup. I knew I wanted to watch the opening ceremony and first match, but somehow missed it. Next morning I walked into the living room, and saw a boy in a bright yellow jersey with blond hair in the newspaper. There he was, in all his althetic glory. I felt the spark immediately. It felt like a surge of energy. I spent the next few hours investing in him on the Internet. Little did I know, that the investment, wasn’t for a few hours, but for a lifetime. As I sat down to watch him play for the first time, I fell in love. I fell in love with his talent, with his style of play, with his personality; with him. As the games in the world cup progressed, my adoration for him only grew. I looked upto him. He had become my inspiration. So in that one terrifying second that he fell to the ground, crying, I could not breathe. I was so scared for him. I knew he had the potential to be the best player in the world someday, and so I could not even fathom to think about the ‘what if’s. He didn’t deserve that pain. I wanted to take it away. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted everything to be okay. I needed him to get back up and fight, and of course,he did! He fought his way through the injury and came back stronger than ever. I was welling with pride and adoration. Look at him now. Oh my, how high he’s soaring. I have no doubt that he’s going to reach the top one day. Neymar is loyal and humble. He is dedicated and zealous. He is endearing and incredibly sexy. He turned only 23 today, and the world hasn’t seen anything yet. He has a lot more to offer; he will be a legend. He deserves nothing less. Happy Birthday, my love. I hope you have a great day and a great life. I really do. I love you :’)

January Favourites

[I've completed an entire year of Monthly Favourites! Wow.]

This month went by fast! I spent a term waiting and hoping for the 2nd of January, and then it finally came- and went- and then it was the 16th- and then it was the 19th- and then it was February, and I'm still spinning from the whirlwind. There are some months where you have to hunt for your favourites, look under table mats and in dusty corners for the tiny things that made you smile in the midst of all the hellishness. And then there are some months were good things just happen to you, where the favourites fling themselves into your arms. This was the second kind of month. I'm just going to go chronologically because I don't know how else to get all of this out.

1. January 2: I've been participating in an activity which occurs in two stages and the first, arguably shittier, stage ended on the 2nd, after months of stress and self-hate and general awfulness. The second stage ends next month, and while I'm pretty much reconciled with it being a total failure, I have a feeling it'll make it onto my favourites anyway, merely by virtue of it being finally over. 
2. January 4: I finally met a lovely old friend of mine, my Clone, we used to call her, because we were so similar and liable to be hyper and overexcited, after a year of being in the same city (we suck, I know). Turns out we're still similar as ever, though, at least in terms of creepily sneaking glances at beautiful extremely well-dressed ethereal women who come sit on the table across from us in a quaint cafe, reading a nice book and possibly crying, possibly waiting for someone, looking like a storybook character nonetheless. Clone had brought me to this amazing, beautiful little cafe with trippy paintings and hanging plants and a peaceful atmosphere, and we were curled up in a corner watching Amelie and eating sandwiches and epic French toast and waiting for our chocolate cake, when she came and sat down. We'd each been sneaking glances at her- there was some aura about her which drew the eye- when Clone pointed her out to me, and then we exclaimed at our creepy similarity and we snuck glances at her together and imagined various reasons why she was here, like this, and what her life was like, and concluded that we both wanted to be her, or at least her friend. Then the couple sitting next to her noticed our creepiness and started glaring judgmentally at us, which was slightly embarrassing, but hello, they had clearly been staring at us too, to have noticed our creepiness? So like, back off? 
3. January 16: The term ended. HALLELUJAH. This has, by far, been the worst term in my academic life so far, and I really hope I never experience a worse one, or anything even close. I still have loads to do all holidays, and won't be free from its clutches until the middle of next month, but still. I thought it would never end, and the countdown to the end was one my favourites this month.
4. This article I read about 36 questions that can make any two people fall in love. The article itself made me smile because it's such a sweet love story, and the idea of the 36 questions themselves (followed by four minutes, I think, of staring each other in the eye, which is a very long time) sounded insanely interesting. This parody piece by the New Yorker, about 36 questions guaranteed to make you fall out of love, wrapped everything up very nicely.
5. Oh! Something else which happened was that my aunt stumbled across this story of mine which I'd sent to a website. The website accepts everything, so this was not a big deal, but she thought it was, and she told my mom, who told my uncle and all her friends, all of whom sent me nice complimentary texts, and it was basically the most embarrassing thing ever. Then I came over to my aunt's place and she bragged about it to all her friends, in response to which I ran away and hid in my room. This is a favourite because compliments are nice, but everything else was mainly just something which makes me want to cover my face and hide (with my ear to the door, so I can hear people saying nice things about me). 
6. Internship. There was a moment where it hit me that I was actually doing work and I was interested in it and I was happy and it was just extremely weird, and extremely awesome. 
7. Okay I think I've delayed this point enough, and it's basically what makes this month such an overwhelmingly favourite-worthy one, so I'll get to it. What basically happened was... I went home. You may remember that I wrote a really emo post a long time ago about moving away from home, from the city I grew up in. I've been back there a few times, for a friend's sister's wedding (my one trip from college with my friends, so much fun, I wish I'd had favourites-posts back then), and my brother's graduation (when I spent a lazy afternoon at Annabanana's place with the Cookie and the Marshmallow (we're big on food-themed nicknames) watching Warm Bodies (or was it Crazy Stupid Love? I think Crazy Stupid Love was the time before that?) and eating subways and talking and laughing and taking timed selfies and failing at taking timed selfies). But I hadn't been back in nearly two years, and after the term I'd had, I really needed to go there. I'd made plans to go back a million times before, and they'd all failed, so it was unbelievably amazing that this one actually worked out, and worked out beyond my wildest expectations. This trip probably deserves a separate post to itself, but eh, I'm already here, and I postponed posting (lulz, postponed posting) so I could include it in my favourites, so please bear with an extra-long post because I'm going to go through each of my favourite elements, in no particular order, in separate points. 
1. The journey. Train journeys to and from college with Doobie had been something we both treasured, and though we realized this trip that we'd only had four or five of them, they were some of the biggest building blocks in our friendship, along with our nightly walks. I was pretty excited to be able to have another journey with her, even though I was also trying to suppress my excitement because I didn't want to jinx everything by being too happy, and I was still terrified that the plan would fail somehow, and we would miss the train (we ended up reaching over an hour early) or the train would get cancelled just because the gods hated me, or something horrible would happen and ruin everything. It didn't, though, and we ended up watching the happy part of the Devil Wears Prada, and then changing to Tangled, which by the way is far too intense for a children's movie. My laptop almost died in the middle, but trusty steed that it is, it stayed alive long enough to let me transfer the movie onto a pen drive and then we continued on Doobie's laptop. I'm just retrospectively going to take this as a sign that everything would be absolutely 100% perfect that glorious weekend. 
2. The MotherCookie. I'm awkward. It's who I am, and I've mostly accepted it. My awkwardness arises mainly around people I'm not close friends with. Classmates, other people's acquaintances whom I'm meeting- I either just shut up entirely apart from greetings and grimace-y smiles, or blab out the wrong thing and internally yell at myself for the rest of the interaction and five years afterward. I'm okay with absolute strangers and my absolute best friends, but horrible with everyone in between those two extremes- especially adults. Sometimes, though, something just clicks between me and the other person, and then my mind starts functioning properly and I can be myself and the world is a happy beautiful place of words and birds. The Cookie had told me that her mother had no awkwardness in an attempt to comfort me when I'd aired my worries earlier, but I'd disregarded her because there was awkwardness in me. Except this time...there wasn't. I spent the weekend living with the Cookie, and her mom and her cousin (and her cat), and I didn't shut up from the moment her mom came to pick me up at the station until the morning I left. I probably jabbered about all of the feelings I have ever felt in my life, and narrated every interesting anecdote I had to narrate, and some not-so-interesting ones, and still the conversation just flowed, and it was beautiful even though I'm pretty sure everyone wanted me to shut up after a point. It was really weird to feel that comfortable around people I'd just met, but it happened, and it was the best thing ever, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. 
3. Ron. Ron is the Cookie's cousin, and probably one of two readers on my blog whom I don't (didn't) know. She writes great stuff over at moronsoriginally and is even awesomer than you would imagine with such an epic pun of a url to be. She's also sweeter than my morning cup of milk, which has approximately five hundred tablespoons of sugar in it. Cookie had told me she was excited to see me, which was a really...weird (also awesome) feeling, because it's weird having someone be a fan of your work, especially when your work basically consists of you talking (whining) about your feelings? But anyway, despite what Cookie told me I was in no way to prepared to be met by the human-shaped bundle of happiness and good energy that Ron is. Cookie left us alone when she went to take a shower, and I internally shot daggers at her because WHY WAS SHE LEAVING ME ALONE TO STUTTER AWKWARDLY WITH THIS PERSON I'D JUST MET SHOWERS ARE ENTIRELY OVERRATED AND SHE DID NOT HAVE TO TAKE ONE. But instead of staring intently at the wall, we chattered nonstop, about writing and dream jobs and life, and again, it was like we'd known each other forever. Did I mention that she got me a present, and wrote me the sweetest note and words of encouragement that have ever been written? She is a real person and not a sugar fairy though, so she has since also  been amazingly sarcastic and evil and I'm sure she would poke me with a spoon if I was around there, but she also wrote that she would share her apple crumble with me (along with more insanely sweet things that I cannot even try tocompete with STOP BEING SO AWESOME), and you'd better bet I'm going to hold her to that. :D Also, her spaghetti and meatballs were amazing. That is all. 
4. The Cat. (Not to be confused with the Cat I've mentioned earlier, who is an actual person whom I'm friends with. This was literally a cat.) She followed me around everywhere and lurked in the corners and behind curtains and stared at me in a mixture of fear and dominance. The thing that made me connect with her on a deep spiritual level, though, was when she snuggled under the covers and slept for eight straight hours. In the day. As a nap. I don't sleep that much across two nights in college. She is officially my idol. I also eventually managed to pet her the night before I left (which was also the night after I arrived, I wish weekends were longer) before she ran away and glowered at me from a shelf. She had the softest fur and I would like a pet now please, thank you.
5. The Entry. Hugging the Cookie on her bed is definitely in my Top Ten Most Fulfilling Moments in life. We had waited and dreamed and hoped and planned for so long, and it finally actually happened, and it was magical.
6. The Surprise(s). Nobody else knew I was coming, and may I just tell you that surprising your friends with a visit is the most fulfilling thing ever? Marshmallow squealed and hurled herself at me and asked "What is even happening?!" for ten minutes straight. Laani took a step back and swore and jabbed me (hard) in the forehead. Koko blinked and threw questions at me like I was competing for the Koffee Hamper. (So many similes in this post.) It was basically awesome to cause so much happiness.
7. Breakfast with two other friends, at a childhood haunt where I ordered my childhood favourite staple.
8. Lunch with another friend, whom I don't keep in constant touch with, but that never seems to matter because whenever we meet we talk nonstop for a few hours and are all caught up and it's like we never parted.
9. Buying my pretty scarf with birds on it!!!
10. Late night talking about feelings with the Cookie.
11. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor!!!!
12. Just. Being home, and existing in the same physical space as almost all of my most favourite people in the world. There are some dreams that are so beautiful, you don't want to ruin them by bringing them to reality because what reality could match up to the world inside your head? But then there are some realities which surpass even your wildest dreams. Thank you, home, for being so good to me.

Love,

~Sam

Haircuts and hot towels

Sure, they say sex is amazing, but could it really live up to the feeling of a hot, hot towel being pressed on your face, especially when it's contrasted with the cold three-layer winter outside? Or with the feeling of your face being massaged by soothing hands? I had nutella pancakes this morning, and this even beat that in terms of the joy it gave me. I could live in that moment forever.

Hopefully the aftermath of sex is better though, because this bliss was immediately followed by the torture known as blackhead removal, and may I please say that I have never, ever experienced anything more painful? Waxing is a close second, but at the moment even that feels less awful. Like sure, my skin looks better now, but at what cost, I ask you, at what cost? It was so bad I dug my nails into my palm and wrists to get my mind to focus on something other than the pain on my face, but the procedure hurt so bad I couldn't even feel my nails- and let me tell you, in normal circumstances, my nails hurt. They are weapons. This was so bad, I literally had tears streaming down my face. But did this woman care? Nope, she just continued scraping my face like it was a greasy pan, and scolding me (much to my mother's delight) for not taking care of myself. ["How old are you now? If your skin is so bad now, what will happen once you grow older? Once your skin gets bad, it's really hard to fix. What are you going to do when you get married in three-four years (pfft) and you want your skin to look good? Think about how stressed your mother will be, mothers want their daughter's skin to shine on her wedding day."]
Then the process ended and then space cleared up in my brain to feel the pain in my wrists and palm as well as whatever my face had suffered, so that was nice.

But after this, I got my hair cut! By Shahid! Shahid is the guy who cuts my hair every time I'm here. I love Shahid. I mean, I love Shahid. First up, his name is Shahid, and I love that name. Second, he's cute. But third, and most important, he's really sweet and jovial, and will make you feel like a goddess even if you resemble a homeless person more than anything else when you go to him, as I usually do (law school is hard okay). Unlike most hairstylists/parlour people, he is not condescending and does not feel the need to diss each strand of your hair individually. Even when he disapproves- as he did of my hair, which have turned into proper straw this past week- he's nice about it. I love how he handles my hair. I also love that I can tell him to do whatever with my hair and trust him to do something brilliant, as opposed to most places where even detailed instructions leave you with a mess to bring you to tears. (I literally had tears in my eyes after my last haircut, and let me tell you, they were not tears of joy. And I'm no crier.) Anyway, Shahid had left the place he worked at earlier- news which evoked a very shocked, very sad squawk from me- and I thought I'd lost him forever, but then we found him and it was beautiful and then he did my hair and everything was right with the world. ^_^ Then he had to go do someone else's hair and some other guy who knew absolutely nothing and who pulled my hair too hard came to blow dry and set my hair and ruined everything and I glowered at him throughout. Then Shahid came and fixed it with one brush. <3 (I may or may not be seriously biased here.)

Then I had a white chocolate mocha from Starbucks, which completed my winter picture because the classic winter look in my head is basically hot Starbucks + coat + gloves + boots. I was wearing shoes, but that's close enough; and my lovely black gloves with gold threading. And I had on my favouritest coat in the world, which is this red coat that we refer to as my little red riding hood coat. My mom saw it years ago and bought it when I was in the second grade because it was so lovely and she figured she might as well keep it. And now I'm old enough to fit into it, and cold enough to actually be able to wear it! ^_^ I love winter clothing. I only wish I'd had my beanie on as well, but ah, let's leave something for another day.


Love,
~Sam

Life is a car.

I've decided that the best metaphor for life is a car. It is not a train, chugging along peacefully (I have a very romanticized, happy image of trains), nor is it a rollercoaster, rollercoaster-ing away. It is, instead, far more mundane a means of travel: a car. Some people are content with whatever car they have; some people love their cars in all their broken beauty; and some are hunting for a better buy with better mileage no matter what they already have. Sometimes it breaks down because you haven't been taking care of it. Sometimes it decides to stop functioning simply because, and decides that it's a good day for an existential crisis. Mostly, it just gets you from place to place, which is pretty much all you care about, unless you have a cool life like  a Porsche or Maserati, in which case I really don't know enough about your life to be making any sort of analogies, and why are you reading this blog anyway, and can I please have some money?

Okay enough metaphors for tonight, Imma go work or something.

BYE!
~Sam

Napkin poetry

Things written on napkins have such a charm to them, don't they, even when your handwriting is at its worst and your grammar is all wrong and you aren't really saying anything at all? Even then, it's so quaint. It just seems like something important and worthy of attention. There's just something about writing on napkins reminiscent of hurried serendipitous moments at restaurants and first dates leading to true love leading to heartbreak and poetry on napkins.

~Sam 

Disequilibrium

~Super rough draft which probably should not be published without more work, but who am I kidding, I'm not going to improve this later when the feel is gone.~

Fat people are yearning to lose,
Thin people wouldn't mind a bit of gain.
Corporate lawyers want freedom and passion-
Struggling artists money, warmth, a roof.
White people want that gorgeous tan,
Coloured people just want to bleach it away.
Guys want to be able to cry,
Girls want to be able to walk alone at night.
Tall people want to be petite,
Short people want to grow some more.
Blonde wants to be brown, brown red,
And red just about anything else.

They tell us we should be happy with who we are,
But nobody wants to be who they are.
You could smush everyone together,
Cancel out all the insecurities and make that perfect girl,
But even she wouldn't want to be who she was.

~Sam

2015: Note to Self

I made a bunch of resolutions last year. I lived up to most of them for about half the year, give or take a bit, and then failed miserably when everything fell apart at the end. But one of my resolutions last year was to try to be more optimistic, and in that spirit, here are some resolutions for next year! Though they're more like...notes to myself. Whatever, here goes:

1. Emotional stability: Keep your chill. Keep your chill. Keep your chill. With regard to work, relationships, life, everything. This year is probably gonna be hella cray. Keep your chill.
2. Health: Less ordering junk food. More sleeping (preferably at night). More running. You like running. You like early mornings. Do the math and put them together and get off your lazy bum and make yourself happier.
3. Try more new things. You did that a bit this year; it didn't always work out. Keep trying. 
4. Read at least fifty books. Stop feeling sad that you've gone from a book a day to hopefully fifty this year; you're not twelve anymore, and life is different.
5. Watch at least twenty of the movies on your laptop. And at least two of the many many TV shows you've been meaning to.
6. Minimize procrastination. I don't know how. Do it.
7. Write.
8. Learn to save. Save money to spend on things you actually like. Regain that self-control everyone used to praise.
9. Try to put yourself out there.
10. Stop excelling at convincing people you're fine when you're not and then being mad at them for falling for it and treating you like you're fine instead of showering you with love and attention.
11. Take your own advice. 
12. Be okay with failing. Even at all of these. Treat yo self!
13. Grow as a human being. A lot happened this year. You didn't always (mostly) handle it well. Next year, try for more empathy. Less neediness. More awareness that bad things will happen and you need to get better at handling them. "I can't handle this shit, I did nothing to deserve this" will get you nowhere. 
14. Try to drop your phone less. And have a better reaction than squealing and covering your mouth with your hands every time it happens. 
15. Most of all, remember how hopeful and optimistic about everything you are right now, and treasure this feeling, and keep it alive. 

Iloveyouall, thank you for being a part of my life, take care of yourselves. I'll go work now. :D

Smiles and hugs,

~Sam 

December Favourites

I was thinking of adding another element to my monthly favourites: a part about what I'd planned the month to be like and what it actually turned out to be. Monthly Resolutions, maybe? So it's the first of December right now, and this is what I want this month to look like:

• I want to finish my work. I don't really have a choice in this matter, because the deadline is January 2, but I'd like to do a decent job of it. [I'll get back to this on the 2nd.]
• I want to attend the midnight mass on Christmas. I've wanted to do that for two years now, and I'm almost certain it won't happen this month because of the above-mentioned work and nearing deadline, but I'm hoping anyway. [This didn't happen because I really didn't feel like going by the time Christmas eve rolled around, so I don't feel too bad about that. I'll hope again for next year though. ^_^ ]
• On the note, I want to be more hopeful and happy and less upset and unstable. [Pfffffffffffft yeah no, that didn't happen. Here's hoping to a better new year though.]
• I want to be healthier and more frugal and not eat out all the time. I ate in the mess today, so that's started on a good note! [This happened a little bit. Not as much as I wanted but that's all right.]

Okay I think those are enough goals for me to deal with now, in a month. The month of December. A month which will end with the advent of 2015. Wow. What in the world is time doing?! My baby cousin who is still a baby in my head when I don't think about things, and five years old in my head when I try to remind myself that time moves and people age, is apparently EIGHT now and another baby I used to play with is TWELVE. I just do not get this. I don't. Let's abolish time, please. I love that quote about how the rabbit is never late for anything because rabbits don't have the concept of time, and I know we need time because we aren't rabbits but please I cannot handle this I need a break from time. Also, while we're at it, let's abolish money and we can all work for free doing things we like and live in a happy utopia. That sounds doable, right? 

_____

Okay so coming to the actual favourites this month:

1. This music fest I briefly attended, where I ate strawberries with chocolate and hung out with nice friends and got lost in nice music. Favourite moment: Leaning against the barricade-fence-thing, front row, my back to the band, the the music pouring through me, my heart thrumming to the rhythm, looking back at all of the people with their arms up and faces upturned, cheering and screaming and entranced by the music, and beyond them, to the treeline shadowed by the smoky sky and the lights crisscrossing above like our very own aurora. 
2. Other favourite moment: this blues band (Chronic Blues Circus) which performed, and which was my favourite of all of them (followed, weirdly enough by this loud metal band called Inner Sanctum- I guess I was just feeling that music then, but I really liked it, to the point where I just shut my eyes and maybe-sorta headbanged a little and just felt the music), and whose lead singer was this very old-English-grandfather looking guy with the most amazing cultured English accent in the deepest voice. The woman's voice was also absolutely heavenly, and the keyboard player's voice just skipped my brain and ran tingles down my heart. All in all, I loved them.
3. Other favourite moment: this guy who kept repeatedly stealing my santa hat (which was out of the closet, and enjoying the evening breeze almost every day from the 14th), to the point where I once had to run after him through the crowd and grab it back. I miss running, I miss playing tag, I miss all of my childhood games. 
4. As I said, my santa hat is out and has been my favourite companion this month. Unfortunately, I only remembered it somewhere around mid-December (I think I got it out towards the end of November, last year) which people somehow still seemed to find too soon, which I just do not understand. Hello? All of December is dedicated to Christmas? Duh?
5. This one time when I was really upset and sitting outside mournfully texting the Cookie, and this (really cute) exchange student passed me by and smiled at me and said he really liked my (Santa) hat. I love strangers being nice to each other, and to me. 
6. I went to this amazing place for breakfast and then slipped down the stairs and then tried to get up and then fainted and then hit my head and then got taken to the hospital by my friends and then got two shots and a sugar test (that's three needles- three- in the span of three minutes) (AND THEY WERE MOST CERTAINLY NOT "just a small prick") and then had really low BP and then freaked my mom out and then freaked my other friends out. That was fun. But then I adopted the role of the "sick person" or so my budding psychologist Marshmallow tells me, and let myself chill and not work without feeling guilty about it. I watched Chasing Liberty (again) with Doobie and the Cat and fangirled over Mathew Goode and his voice and his cheekbones and his hair and his eyebrows and you get the point, and hated on Mandy Moore's super-annoying character (to the extent that we didn't really hear most of her dialogues because we just kept talking over and laughing at her) and basically had a great night. 
7. This one day when I got work done.
8. Talking to my mum. 
9. I got back in touch with an old, old friend of mine from way back in sixth grade, whom I hadn't spoken to since about 2011, and it was awesome and I smiled at my laptop for the entire conversation.
10. Laughing maniacally with Doobie on two separate incidents, like the twelve year olds we all are at heart,  because the name of the family in Life After Beth is Slocum. Oh, also, watching She's the Man with them. BEST NIGHT EVER. 
11. This impromptu Britney Spears/Madonna/Linkin Park/Venga Boys/Spice Girls singalong with Doobie and sparkykitty one night(perfectly timed because I'd been reminiscing that very evening about a similar Britney singalong Doobie and I had a couple years ago, which remains one of my favouritest memories of all time ever in the history of the world) which led to intensive stalking of the entire Beckham family (Romeo is 100% on his way to becoming David, in terms of looks at least. What sort of thirteen year old has a jawline like that?! Also, all the pictures of David and Harper together are absolutely heart-meltingly adorable.) 
12. Daydreaming about all the amazing things I'd do (basically, watch a move and read a book and go out for breakfast and lunch and dinner and meet my friends- real crazy stuff like that) on my one free weekend after my work finishes and before a new  load of work drops on me. 

All in all, it's been an okay month. I'm just really glad this year is over. 

Hi, 2015. ^_^

~Sam

Don't.

Hello.
Don't ask people how they are and then roll your eyes when they tell you.
Don't expect them to lie, "fine," and go away, especially if they think you're friends.
Don't ask, if you don't care to hear the answer.
Don't ask if all you're going to do is wait for them to shut up so you can talk.
Don't ask them to "stop whining and be happy."
Fuck you, it's not their job to be your chirpy little bird 24/7.
Don't dismiss their problems when you don't even know them.
This has been a public service announcement/rant.
Bye.


~Sam

Scary Sunderban Stars

I wonder why humans are so fascinated with scary experiences. With controlled scary experiences, especially: experiences like roller coasters and swimming with sharks and jumping off bridges with only a rope to keep you from dying. 

When I was 18, we went to the Sunderbans to see the tigers. We didn't end up seeing the tigers, but I experienced something pretty damn scary anyway: total and utter darkness. On a small boat, in pitch darkness, in a crocodile filled marsh, in winter. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was scared for my life; but more than that, I was horrified at the thought that my phone might fall into the dark water. 

Recurring nightmares of my phone falling in played before my eyes. I even imagined myself jumping in after it to save it and emerging victorious, but with a phone which would no longer work; alternatively, I imagined being unable to find it, interspersed with mental images of being eaten by crocodiles and dying a painful death- or worse, surviving, to get beaten up by my tearful mother.

When I wasn't thinking of my phone falling into the water possibly leading to death or hypothermia, I was staring at the stars. Man, they do not joke when they tell you that the stars without city lights are beautiful. There are so many of them, and it's a crazy, crazy experience leaning back (over a crocodile filled cold river which could swallow my phone, don't forget) and watching them crowd each other out of the sky, and just think (and fear death and hypothermia and phone-loss), or rather, not think, just look and have dazed conversations with your brother, while your parents worried about getting you back to dry land.  

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, except I feel like posting something other than favourites, and this is something I'd like to remember.

~Sam 

November Favourites

It's been a very long, very shitty month, and I'm glad I had this list running to remind myself to notice that there were good moments too. 

1. Cuddling up and sleeping with mom. Also, this time when I wanted to buy 4" heels and she picked up old-lady/young-kid 1" shoes and offered those as an alternative and our eyes met and we both realized how silly that was and that I wasn't going to fall for that and was grown up and wanted heels and wouldn't be swayed as easily as I always had been, and laughed and had a moment.
2. Heels!! I'd talked last month about the wonderful heels I'd seen, and these are better. Well, they're higher and hotter. Less comfortable, but walkable enough (on flat surfaces). I wore them for an entire evening fairly successfully, so I'm okay with them. They're nude with a dark red sole. :D
3. My Christmas Cookie. U da best. I'm so, so blessed to have you in my life. 
4. November 13, 2014. It isn't a landmark date. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. But it was a nice day. I laughed and talked to people, went to my happy place with Doobie (this sounds like it involves drugs. It doesn't, I swear. Except caffeine), got some work done, got an extra hour of sleep because of a cancelled class, danced for a few minutes with friends, had a happy conversation with my mum, and just...was happy. After a few days of being pretty depressed, it was a more than welcome change. 
5. My new tumblr. It's taking up more of my life than I can afford to give, but it makes me pretty happy. But also sad, because all of the pretty pictures of all of the places I want to travel to just evokes a very painful sense of wanderlust. 
6. Sparkykitty. Your presence is enough to lighten me up. God bless you for being in my life. 
7. This one night when I dressed up in my favourite (and only) red dress and put on my make up and earrings and heels and took a ton of selfies (a collage of which now adorns my facebook profile as my cover picture, complete with trippy tinting- yes, I'm that girl) and dragged my friends out for a dinner (I made a plan and it worked out!!!!!) where we had loud conversations about Harry Potter.
8. Gold. It was another birthday book, one I bought myself from this paradise of a bookshop, and I don't even know how many times it made my face crumple up in tears. I hate this book. It is so good.  I don't know if I reacted so strongly to it because of my general mental state, but it's a great book with great writing in either case, and definitely deserves a spot on here. 
9. All the times I went out, basically. Getting away from here was nice. I went for a nice lunch with a bunch of friends to one of my favouritest places in the whole wide world. And posted my first letter!!! I mean, I've sent other letters before, but I usually just got my mum to post it for me. It was inordinately exciting. It was a generally  lovely happy day, though, and got me out of my blurgh state of mind, which is always a welcome thing.  There was also another nice happy lunch followed by a play put up by some of my friends at this amazing place with lovely art all around. Also I found a cool shop and bought a wolverines minion tshirt and earrings. Did I mention good food? And art? Favourite bit: a floor designed to look like a snakes and ladders gameboard. And then on another day I went for dinner with sparkykitty and the cat and we sang songs in the cab all the way back and everyone thought we were drunk but we weren't, we were just happy. And finally, yesterday I went out to get myself a thanksgiving meal because I've been craving turkey and pumpkin pie (mainly pumpkin pie) forever and I'd intended not to go because it was too expensive and I'd spent too much money this term but my utter lack of willpower combined with a lot of nagging from my friends and a gentle push from my mom made me finally go. Then I reach the place and find out that they're out of pumpkin pie, which shattered my heart, except it also led to what actually makes this one of my favourites, and the best part of the evening: walking a mile and a half (we calculated) in the cold, bundled up in my unflattering and very warm red sweater top, to get that pumpkin pie from another restaurant which was actually farther than we thought it was. But it was awesome, because I love walking, and I love walking bundled up in my sweater in the cold even more, and it's been a while since I've walked, and this particular walk led to pumpkin pie, soooooooooo.
10. Blank Space. I'm not really on the Taylor bandwagon, but seeing her be so sassy and just own her image in the media is so awesome. 

Also, since it's thanksgiving month I'm going to take a moment to give thanks even if it isn't my festival to celebrate and is a problematic festival anyway, because I'm into festivals and I'm also into gratitude:

First, to my mom, for trying so hard to understand me, and for loving me so, so much. 

Second, my brother, for being there when I need him, despite all our distance and quarrels and fundamental ideological differences. 

And generally to my grandparents and my aunt and my awesome extended family. 

My friends, past and present: even when we're fighting, even when we haven't talked in months, each of you has at some point made me glad to be alive. 

My mind and my body and my general propensity for happiness. As I said, this month has been awful in many ways and the recent emotional upheaval and feelings of depression have just made me really grateful for my default state of positivity. 

Okay bye. 

Love and hugs, 

~Sam 

October Favourites

This has been a nice month, but I'm going to be dying with work until March, so everybody please pray times flies until then. Please?

Anyway, for the here and now, these were some of my favourites from last month. 

1. One of the many books I received for my birthday this year was Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock, which is a beautiful story about a suicidal boy, and which these few words don't even begin to cover, but suffice to say that it was an absolutely wonderful book which should be mandatory reading for everybody, and which I wish my friends would read already so that I could talk about it with them. It's an amazing book. Outstanding. Awesome. And not as depressing as my brief description made it sound. Not quite like what the blurb makes it sound like either. Read it.
2. The Thinking Out Loud video. Please, for your sake, watch it in HD. I have never, that I can remember, been so in love with a music video.  It is absolutely brilliant, the dance, and also the atmosphere that they somehow create of actually being two lovers dancing by themselves, despite all the difficult steps. Ed is my boo, but Brittany Cherry is a dream. She makes those steps poetry, while you can kind of see Ed needs to focus on his steps a little more (possibly because he learned how to do this in a month just for this video WHILE ON TOUR and thus probably super-busy). I am really into this video (and song) okay?
3. We redid our room (again)! It is, I think, the cleanest it has ever been in the history of us living here, though the mattress on the floor is gone. I'll miss you, mattress on the floor. You were beautiful while you lasted.
   I think I'll bring that idea back later in my life, when my floor hopefully won't be so prone to dust. Its departure has made the room way more spacious though, so yay.
   I put up my posters, finally and it looks a bit cluttered (don't ever let me buy more posters, please, I beg of you), but meh. I like it, more or less. The room's cleanliness has got me really happy though, along with the fact that it's the beginning of the term so I'm actually managing to get some sleep. *touchwood* That state is not going to last long. 
4. I was home for half of October, and it was awesome. In retrospect. I kind of acted like a spoilt brat while I was there, which I'm not exactly proud of. I'm not even sure why I was such a snappy annoying creature, but I shall try to make it up now, when I am home again for a week! Five days. Whatever. Shut up.
   I also got to meet my brother!!! :D It was very last moment, and only for a couple days, but I'd been wanting to meet him, and...yay! The world has been kind to me, so far. Touchwood, and thank you, world. ^_^ Home also meant that I got to eat a lot of double ka meetha, which is this amazing dessert my mom makes which I have loved since I first tasted it. And we had to go to this family celebration thing, which I'd been dreading but which had two nice outcomes: a) I got to meet a friend in the holidays after over a year now, I think, and that was brilliant, she really made a shitty day brighter; b) I got to dress up all pretty and swish in my swishy outfit! 
5. I read Hamlet!!!!! A movie released here, starring one of my favourite actors (he is so beautiful and also acts well and also dances well and has the most amazing smile with his scrunchy face and his teeth and did I mention he was beautiful?), which was an adaptation of Hamlet. I decided, with great determination, that this would be my time to read Hamlet (I've been wanting to/planning to read another play by Shakespeare for years at this point), and that I wouldn't let myself watch the movie until I'd read the play. AND I DID IT. I set myself a goal and accomplished it and it was the most amazing feeling ever and I wish I procrastinated less so I could feel that more often. But anyway, the movie was brilliant, but I was also ecstatic to be drowning in Shakespeare again.
6. My mum went to buy lipstick and for the first time in her life they accidentally gave her the wrong shade, which happens to be a shade of red, which I've been wanting only forever, so I happily took this unwanted burden off her hands, and now I have two lipsticks, and one of them is RED (okay it's "Rosy Sunday," whatever) and this makes me inordinately happy. 
7. I also got mehendi, what some of you will know as henna, put on my hands, which I absolutely love, so yay for that too. Though mehendi these days peels off instead of fading gracefully as it used to do, which is really upsetting because it looks good for like two days before becoming absolutely disgusting and which idiot thought that this was a good idea? I think putting in whatever chemicals they are which is causing this makes the colour come faster, but everyone knows that keeping the mehendi on waiting for the colour to come is the best part! Or maybe that's just me. 
8. Another birthday present I got was a star necklace (a pendant shaped like a star, on a necklace). It's pretty simple, but I adore it, because a) star, b) it's hardy which means I can wear it all the time, c) Marshmallow gave it to me so wearing it all the time makes me feel a little more connected to her and d) I have always been fascinated with the idea of a constant accessory, whether that be earrings or a ring or a necklace and now I finally have one! So yay! (I say yay a lot but there really isn't a synonym for yay, is there? I tried to reduce my usage of "amazing," I hope you've noticed the diversity in my words.)
9. I got to hug my mom a lot. I'm missing home, and her, so much right now. It's weird how I wasn't homesick at all when I actually left home, it's just hitting me now, two years after the fact.
10. I found THE MOST PERFECT HEELS IN THE WORLD. And couldn't buy them. They were beige, which meant I could wear them with anything and would thus not feel so guilty about spending so much; they were high and looked amazing, but were also insanely comfortable and I could walk in them. But they only had one pair in my size, and the finishing wasn't great on it, to the extent that even I could notice, so...boo. :( What I did get to buy, however, are loads of sweaters and cardigans, one of which has such a Christmassy feel to it, and all of which I love, and I'm just really excited about this because I love winter-wear. Winter which requires one extra layer of clothing is the perfect season for me. So I guess what I'm saying is: autumn. I love autumn, and I wish India had more of an autumn. Or that I lived in San Francisco. San Francisco sounds kind of awesome, and I loved the one day (two?) that I spent there when I was little. 
11. I finally watched A Winter Soldier and it's as good as they all said it was. On the other hand, the new Avengers trailer has me really worried because it looks so dark and I'm scared. :| That song in the background really doesn't help either, AND WHY IS STEVE'S SHIELD BROKEN? I don't know if I can watch this movie (of course I will) but I can't (but I must). I'm also really excited about Agent Carter! The story sounds awesome, and also..Chad Michael Murray is in it. :D 
12. On that happy note, Diwali! It was my first Diwali away from home, which was sad, but also my first Diwali on campus, and it was really well done! I lit my first ever sky-lantern! And my only, so far. But the general festiveness with everyone dressing up, and going to the temple, and eating out, and generally celebrating life was lovely. So much happiness all around. 
13. STROOPWAFELS. Doobie's mum got them and they're the most delicious things in the world and I must get my hands on more of them. They're basically these Dutch waffle-snacks, and so good omnomnomnomnom. Nom. 
14. I finally went out for breakfast. I've wanted to do this only forever, but I always ended up being too sleep-deprived to wake up in the morning, or too broke, or not in town, every time anyone made plans. I don't think I can ever forgive my friends for going to one of my favourite places multiple times without me (you know who you are). But I digress. The last Sunday of this month, I finally overcame my morning lethargy to get out into the world before noon, and had breakfast at this wonderful place. Who knew I could actually like baked beans? I should've known better than to order coffee though; I wrongly presumed that my new-found love of hazelnut lattes would allow me to enjoy non-flavoured coffee as well. I was so, so wrong. Four sachets of sugar and it was still too coffee for me. *shudders* But it was a great place, good food, and great company, which more than made up for the coffee. 

Until next month, 

~Sam 

Flying

I'm flying and I'm thinking about how quickly flying has become just another mundane thing, to take us from one headache to another. I'm thinking about how if humans could fly they would call it exercise and wouldn't. I'm thinking about how many beautiful things we fail to appreciate simply because we have them. I'm looking at the sky out the window, and I'm thinking of what Van Gogh could have done with this view.
I'm thinking that of course, of course heaven is in the skies. Because what could be more paradise than this, this place above the clouds and below the sky, the sun your equal, the mountains of fog in the distance, the candy floss at your feet?

I've landed and I'm thinking about this one time the books fell on my head and how much that hurt. How little physical pain we deal with in our lives. How much I miss running and why I don't just go running. My issues and whether giving them the importance of Issues is worse than brushing them under the carpet.

I'm driving and I'm thinking about how, in the time I would have procrastinated between lunch and dinner, I've crossed half an ex-continent and just like that, I'm home.

~Sam

Mind games

It scares me so much how good we are at pretending to be normal. To be put together. To be fine, just fine. At one level, it's just faking our way through job interviews and winging it on the actual job, no one being any the wiser that you have no clue what you're doing. A bit of confidence and a smirk can do wonders. But at another level, it's being suicidal with a chirp in your voice, depressed with a bounce in your step. Your best friend could want to hurt herself and you wouldn't even know. Your friend could call you for lunch just so he could shoot you and himself, a la the most recent shooting, and you would have no. Fucking. Clue.

And it scares me that you're just pushed more and more towards that pretended normalcy, towards uniformity, towards hiding your flaws and your humanity. Towards not being "weird." Towards harming yourself and those around you.
How we learn to flick away compliments and stick to insults, how we're so uncritical while believing criticism. And how much it can get to us.

I'm just very scared of the insides of peoples minds, and how it often has no connection at all to the outside.

~Sam

Terrace Nights

I step out onto the terrace
And I can feel the relief enter me
As tangible as the breeze touching me.
I look up,
The stars have put on a show tonight.
I look around,

The trees are still.
The release leaves me
As the dogs bark over the songs in my ears.
But even the howling, fighting mongrels
Cannot take away the serenity of this scene.
When did a dog's howl become serene?
I look up,
I swear I saw that star move,
Run over to its neighbour.
But no, it's right there.
I wonder what the stars talk about?
Do they look down at us and wonder at our lives?
Can we be that important?

~Sam

If Only

If only we could detach body parts.
My hand could go unlock the door while my eyes read,
My hair stir in the breeze while my forehead furrowed.
I could put my uterus aside, let it vent its fury alone,
Throw out those awful cramps and let my body relax.
Send my legs out for a hike while my eyes slept,
Make that brain sit in the corner and think about what it did wrong.
Quiet that stuttering heart in the palm of my hand,
Soothing it, shushing it until it calmed.
I could be healthier,happier, more productive even.
But best of all- I could get away from myself.

~Sam

Marvel

At the dewdrop delicately balancing on the leaf,
Unmatched by any tightrope walker in any circus.
At the flock cutting across the sky,
An annual journey I could not compete with in a lifetime.
At the sky, oh the sky,
All the painters with all the paint could not paint its hues.
At the ant, scurrying about its job,
What does Wall Street have to that ant?
At the indomitable cockroach, wriggling after being crushed,
No Howard Roark could out-spirit that cockroach.
At the beauty of cities,
Are they ever so beautiful as when you're leaving them?

Is the sun ever so beautiful as when it bids goodnight?


Being all sentimental and shit,
~Sam.

September Favourites

September was...quite the month. Tumultuous, I think, would be the word to describe it.

1. I watched a movie by myself. The events-and feelings- just before and just after that were definitely not favourite-worthy, and pretty much sucked to the core, but watching the movie itself was an awesome experience that I'd like to repeat, even though I did subconsciously turn to laugh at something with my absent friends a couple of times. Then I wallowed in my sorrow of that day by indulging in some major retail therapy. I finally bought lipstick!! It's something I've been meaning to do for a while, and after being the highlight of the make-up-selling-woman's day with my total ignorance, I landed on a nice bright pink which is pretty much the opposite of what I was looking for, but with some lip balm to dull it a bit, I love it. Oh, I also bought lychee lip balm! I love it. And a new eye-liner, I was sick of sharpening my old one. Yes, make-up is now important enough to me to deserve a paragraph over here, go away. Oh, and I bought a pretty, princessy hair-clip (which I have since worn once- unsuccessfully- and broken twice) and a ring (too big for me), but they were so pretty and I wasn't exactly in a state of mind to be thinking through my decisions. I did hold myself back from buying this expensive, beautiful (Japanese Cherry Blossom) perfume, though in retrospect I feel I should've just bought it (I totally shouldn't have).
I did learn that feeling like shit and being left alone in a mall are not good for my wallet, though.

2. On to happier things, I did well-ish at that thing I'd mentioned, which means I now have to do another thing, which I'm scared to the bone about messing up, but since I have no choice, let's just hope I work through my fears and this becomes a February Favourite. (It's kind of a long-term thing. I suck at long-term things. Don't you love all of the details I'm giving you?) I also took a lovely walk with a lovely friend, and lay on my back on the cold wet road and looked at the bright starry sky and basically floated on peacefulness.

3. Oh, getting back to make-up, I started this little ritual that I picked up from a friend of mine (hi, you), where I put on make-up when I can't study or do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. And it works. It's also nice to finally have an opportunity to wear my make-up and earrings and rings and pretty things, since I usually don't have the time to do all that before heading to class in the mornings.

4. I swung on the faculty-kids' swings a lot, a lot and it was pretty amazing each time and I'm so happy I finally plucked up the courage to start going there, because I haven't stopped since, and it's my happy place.

5. My boots saw more of the world. Given that I've worn them four times since buying them four or five years ago, and given how much I nagged my mother to buy me a pair, and given how much I spent on them, I think this is a favourite-worthy fact, even if I'm not as fond of them as I once was.

6. All of the midnight make-up application means I finally know how to line my eyes, even the top, which is so awesome. It's basically been a month (and a term, for that matter) of doing things I usually would never have done, whether that be karaoke or a movie alone or make-up or that thing I keep talking about, and that is good, I think.

7. I wore my hair in two braids a lot. I like two braids. It was nice.

8. Doobie and I found a happy place far from the maddening crowd (or perhaps bang in the middle of it, from a more literal perspective).

9. I bought what I think are amazing presents for some of my friends, and also received definitely awesome presents from them in turn, which was wonderful. Gifting, both giving and receiving, makes me so incredibly happy. ^_^

10. But most of all, I ran away from law school, and came home. I needed that so, so much this time. Let's hope home is good to me.

This is all I can think of right now. I didn't keep a draft of my favourites this month, again, because busy and lazy, so I might update this later, but I think I covered everything.

Love, ^_^
~Sam