Resolute!

Some of my resolutions based on some of the things I've thought this year.


"I'm fat and ugly and no one will ever love me."
#1. Less insecurity.

"I'm fine."
#2. Less lying. Also, like, more actually being fine.

"*whines*"
#3. Less whining. More "disgusting cheerfulness."

"There are a million good writers in this world. Who the hell am I?"
#4. More confidence.

"The world sucks."
#5. More hope.

"Oh, I should blog about that...but ugh."
#6. Less ugh. NO ugh. More writing.

"But..."
#7. Less negativity.

"Yes, absolutely, I have no problems whatsoever!"
#8. More honesty.

"You'e an idiot."
#9. More tactful honesty.

"I can't."
#10. More doing.


Happy New Year, folks! Once again, I hope it's a wonderful one and no one wishes they were dead. ^_^

Much love.
~Sam

Sometimes, I'm afraid of having the wrong opinion.

I don't mean wrong as in unacceptable, because the point of opinions is that they're subjective and therefore in all probability will be unacceptable to someone. I mean misinformed, or uninformed or underinformed. And because you're never quite fully informed, your opinion is always going to be one-sided (which comes with subjectivity, of course, but still, you want to be as objective as possible) and incomplete.
I think that's partly why I'm so indecisive.


~Sam

I have a visceral, mortal fear.

Of people dying, or committing suicide. I think all those "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books I read when I was 13 laid the ground for this one. But honestly. Have you noticed just how easy it is for someone to die, how fragile life is?
Of staircases, specifically, of falling down staircases. It's happened before, it can happen again.
Of jinxing things. It's really, really difficult for me to brag. (Though that statement is in itself bragging, in a sense.)
Of getting into trouble. Reason #1 I did not have the typical tumultous teen years or crazy college life. I was just too goddamn aware of the consequences, both possible and improbable, of my actions.
Of failure. Though this is one which I can, and am trying to, get over.
I have others, of course, but these are the ones that really influence every decision, haunt every moment.
~Sam

Retrospection

I just read my posts from last November and last December [i.e., of 2011, which seems both so near and so far], and this November and this December-which, let's be honest, consists mainly of Space Filling, and I just..
Wow. I don't think I realized just how depressed I was back then. Even though I have more work now, and equal reason to be stressed, if not more, I'm happy I've evolved enough not to go crazy over it. To have gained a little perspective to look at things as a whole, to see the larger picture.
And I'm glad we started blogging.
Thanks, Malko.

~Sam 

I dream.

Of being on the New York Times bestseller list.
Of having memes of my quotes, fangirls (boys?) of me.
Of being happy.
Of being sexy.
Of finding Him.
Of being beautiful, in love.
Of chocolate cake.
Of opening a bakery. (I can't bake, this won't happen.)
Of marrying a baker.
Of bakery-scented deodorants. (Yes, I like bakeries.)
Of comfortable stilettos.
Of long, beautiful hair.
Of a beautiful house, and an even more beautiful home.
Of a world with no mosquitoes, cockroaches, rats, lizards or hate. (The rest, I can live with.)
Of flawless skin.
Of tasty health-food. (Again, not happening any time soon.)
Of a world of love.
Of a world I love.

I dream of writing something beautiful, something original, something so deep, so profound, that everyone can see its truth, everyone can feel it; that no one has words to express their awe, that everyone will remember always, and quote, and dwell on, and revel in. I dream of writing something that is mine.

~Sam

Though these days of course, I pretty much just dream of sleep.