Resolute!

Some of my resolutions based on some of the things I've thought this year.


"I'm fat and ugly and no one will ever love me."
#1. Less insecurity.

"I'm fine."
#2. Less lying. Also, like, more actually being fine.

"*whines*"
#3. Less whining. More "disgusting cheerfulness."

"There are a million good writers in this world. Who the hell am I?"
#4. More confidence.

"The world sucks."
#5. More hope.

"Oh, I should blog about that...but ugh."
#6. Less ugh. NO ugh. More writing.

"But..."
#7. Less negativity.

"Yes, absolutely, I have no problems whatsoever!"
#8. More honesty.

"You'e an idiot."
#9. More tactful honesty.

"I can't."
#10. More doing.


Happy New Year, folks! Once again, I hope it's a wonderful one and no one wishes they were dead. ^_^

Much love.
~Sam

200('13)

This year, I pray for happiness. I pray for peace, and I pray for joy. I pray for getting my old mush back, I pray for getting my old self back, my bubbliness and my enthusiasm for life and for speaking in capital letters. I pray for work not to get me down and for friends to always be around. I pray for fun and frolick and contemplation and epiphany. I pray for depth in happiness and frivolity in sadness. I pray for clarity. I pray for me, and I pray for the world.

~Sam

I also pray for a better 300th post than the 100th or 200th were. *sigh* Such anticlimactic-ness.
Oh, and that I get better at board games, and find more time to play them.
And that I finish my 346 long reading list on Goodreads, and add more to it.
And that I write better, and more, and become more confident with my writing. That I'm not ashamed to own up to it.
And that I get whatever I want (which isn't bad for me) :P
That I get some certainty in my life, and my opinions, and make up my mind about who I am and what I believe and what I want to be.
That I figure out why people are actually reading this.

Its been a long time.

First and foremost, a very happy (very belated) New Year to all of you. I know its been a long time, but I've been busy being sick and trying not to throw up. Stupid food poisoning got to me. And the most unfair thing? I was the only one of the group who actually liked the food. And hence, by the skewed laws of the universe, the only one who got sick. *glowers* Anyway. The new year, so far, has kind of sucked for me, I really hope its going better for you guys. There's been loads of introspection, loads of self-doubt, loads of angst, and through it all, loads of nausea. Sigh. I'm not depressed, but I've been thinking about depression, and...its a scary thing, isn't it? Its not like any other emotion-not like anger, which claws its way through you, and, having imprisoned itself in your heart, tries to claw back out. Its not like happiness, bursting upon you like a ray of sunshine. Ironically enough, the emotion it most seems to resemble-at least in my experience-is joy. [Joy, as I read somewhere, is happiness which does not depend on what happens.] It seeps into you slowly, oh so slowly, so that you don't even realize what is happening, and you go around doing your stuff, losing that bounce in your step, slowing down a little each day, sinking into that quicksand inch by inch without ever realizing it, and all the while the levels are rising, rising, until one day they reach the brink, and you wake up sad. Or, conversely, very, very happy, if you're talking about joy, which I'm not. I think depression is what I'm most afraid of in my life. The impenetrable darkness of it, the isolation. I know if I got depressed no one could help me, because I over think so much that I'd probably counter all the possible reasons they could give me to be un-depressed. Would I be able to think enough to find a reason of my own to be happy? I don't know. Why I'm talking to you about all this? Don't know that either. I just hope I never have to find out the answers.

Love and all.
~Sam