Being Mean/This post kind of sucks but whatever, I feel like writing

Darren, I'm going to dramatically talk about my feelings now, so you can leave if you want to.


Throughout my childhood, as far back as I can remember, my mother warned me about hurtful words. Not for me was the adage that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I was sarcastic, and, not to be boastful, I had an uncanny ability to (verbally) hit people where it would hurt. My mother had experience with hurtful words, as everyone does, and, noticing my natural meanness, preached to me all the time about thinking before I spoke, placing the proverbial filter between mind and mouth-caring about other people's feelings. As I grew older, I obviously ran into people whose mothers hadn't been so preachy, perceptive or persuasive, and I disliked them intensely. Not being nice was a cardinal sin in my book, just ahead of being judgmental.

So today, as I'm wracked with guilt because I accidentally said something mean to someone (a joke which didn't quite come across as a joke), I'm also kind of happy. Because it means that my mom succeeded in taking that mean streak out of me, and even if it has made me a little too easily guilt-stricken, I remain ever-grateful.


~Sam

Thoughts

Some thoughts are like the phone when a friend calls you and forgets to cut the line when she’s done. You can try as much as you want, but you just can’t cut the call. Can’t sever the connection, can’t get rid of it.

I still haven’t managed to write down, or quite compose my views on God, but I think I’m an agnost. Not an atheist, not a believer; an agnost. Why? Because I apparently revel in indecision, that’s why. It’s like, my natural state of existence: Undecided.

You know what else is my natural state of existence? Guilty. If Barney has an extra awesome gland instead of tear glands, I have guilt glands instead of…every gland.
Talk while the sweet new teacher is teaching? Guilt.
Be a bitch about a bitch? Guilt.
Be generally PMS-y and bitchy? (Albeit belated) Guilt.
Forget to thank Random Guy who gave me directions? Hang up too quick on my mum? Instant guilt.
Skive off on a job? Get yelled at? Let loose the guilt gates.

Yeah, you get the point.

~Sam