I am so, so grateful to more people than I can name, this December. To every single person on my whatsapp list- if I have messaged you in the past month, I am glad you exist in my life. Thank you. There were a surprising number of favourites for a month that at one point seemed like it would be the shittiest ever but turned out to be startlingly amazing, and it's all because of all you wonderful people (okay, partly because of shopping and party planning and beautiful weather and terraces and stars and the existence of babies and kittens and puppies and gentle dogs, but mostly because of you all). The things that made me feel glad to be alive, to be where I am, this month, in no particular order:
- Looking back on old blog posts, resolutions and rants, at the last four years in this bittersweet place, and realizing just how far I had come, how much I really had grown as a human being, how I had turned into someone my younger self might actually have looked up to (or so I would like to believe).
- Surviving one of the most brutal emotional periods I've been through.
- Writing again.
- Seven hours of shopping with Doobie- an actual shopping expedition with the most shopping-averse person I know. Finding an NYP dress I was reasonably happy with, finally.
- Waking up to "IT'S A GIRL!" and smiling goofily at myself for hours after, at the pure, sheer joy of new life.
- Unearthing my Santa hat and remembering all the sorrows it's seen through with me. Remembering that cold December in the library basement when it first became my little personal source of joy, on a lonely Christmas eve dedicated to working; the December after that when it kept me together, walking on the beach, soaking in the sun and sharing smiles with strangers; and this December, perched jauntily on my head through a Mannequin Challenge, a confrontation, and other things I never thought I'd find the social courage to do.
- Realizing and embracing that my life is as much about me as it is about the people in it; that I am the most important part of it. [You would imagine that I'd already have known this, but I can be surprisingly obtuse.]
- Nyancat, for sage advice, honest questions, hilariously dramatized whining, and just for existing. I'm so glad you walked into my room that day, even though they all told you I wasn't your kind of person.
- A hairstyle that does what it's supposed to do and makes me look good with minimal effort.
- Buying pretty clothes. The aforementioned looking back at old posts made me realize that this is something that comes up a lot, so I'm just going to screw my courage to the sticking-place and say it: * deep breath * Shopping....makes me happy. Wearing pretty clothes makes me happy. Investing in the kind of look I want to have, makes me happy. And I am so, so grateful that I'm in a position of enough privilege to be allowed to do that.
- Strawberry Fields, and singing along to a rock remix of a Telugu item song at the top of my voice at a fest I never thought I'd enjoy. Strawberry Fields, and cute band members fit to be cast in a Karan Johar movie and win the girl (*cough*me*end cough*) at the end. Strawberry Fields, and the heartbreak that finally allowed me to break free.
- Doobie's birthday, wet grass under my bare feet, emotional reassurance under a starry sky, dancing on the terrace and being lifted like I was actually as light as I've always wanted to be. Waking up the next morning, and realizing that I had gone through the haze of feeling like shit, somehow navigated the obstacle course of emotional upheaval, and come out the other side- that I could not feel horrible now - and jumping for the sheer joy of it, for the freedom from months of misery. (That is, until the hangover hit.)
- Just being really happy that I'd decided to buy those block heels that elevate me by four inches, allow me to walk in total comfort and go with everything I have ever wanted to pair them with.
- Mosquito. Thank you, for all the sage advice that I wish I had followed earlier, for listening to me whine and telling me it would be okay, for sending me cutesy emo lame cards I made for your sixteenth birthday. For shopping tips and "how to make a bra work with that dress" tips- thank you, even, for the incessant exam stress you unload on me, for all the efforts to ensure that you're still my best friend, eight years on.
- Sunbum, thank you for the cat memes and the listening ear. I'm not sure where you came from, but you were there when I needed you.
- School Boy- thank you, more than I can say, for the outrageous flirting, for making me laugh for an hour and a half when I didn't think I'd be able to smile again.
- Ed. My boo, my bae, my eternal, thank you. This song is still as magical as the first time I heard, this video still gives me as much hope as the first time I saw it- just, thank you, for doing what you do.
- Party planning, and the opportunity to order people around, and having people appreciate my ideas- basically, being allowed to do everything my inner Type-A bitch needs to thrive, while also having an excuse to wallow in five years of feels. The Party itself, and all the people I talked to and hugged; that moment I hope I never forget, of frantically pulling out balloons from the pool to relocate them to a more attractive position, with adrenalin-fuelled laughter all around me. Swinging on the swing and dancing in the pool; the perfect bonhomie of a communal girls' changing room; even that sip of horrendous cheap champagne. After months of wishing I was done and away from here already, I'm glad to have had these moments to be reminded that it was a pretty lit experience after all.
- Walking through that beautiful wonderland of a campus with SparkyKitty and Math Boy- even the part in the dimly-lit woods where I was certain we were going to be killed like the fools in every single horror movie ever. Discovering at least three places for a potential white wedding, if I ever choose to elope. Wanting to just stand there and soak in the sweet simple beauty of those stone buildings and tree-lined paths and fragile pink flowers through every pore.
- Orange juice, no sugar, from that place on campus that I am certain adds opium to my drink, because it is not normal to be this into orange juice.
Happy new year, guys.
Love,
~Sam
