February Favourites

I will never not point out the alliteration of this title.

1. My mum's voice when I told her I was coming home. 
2. Stirring food in the cooking pan. 
3. All of my grandmother's food.
4. Chilling with my grandpeeps, generally.
5. Being home, and the attendant comforts of not worrying about food or laundry or anything. 
6. Reading on my Kindle, called Cinder. 
7. Reading, generally.
8. The light wintry chill in the air, and woolen socks and sweaters. My owl sweater. <3 
9. Successfully gathering the courage to shower despite the cold. 
10. Reading about and imagining this guy who rides his unicycle to get around campus. 
11. Pancakes

~Sam 

Learning to Cook with Nutella (Lots of Nutella)

Daily posts weren't working out because I am lazy and holidaying and kept sleeping while my grandmom was cooking. This morning (afternoon), however, I woke up seized with the undeniable urge to cook- possibly because sparkykitty had linked me to this video, and I realised I had both nutella and strawberries at home. It was clearly a sign from the stars, and I'm not one to refuse astronomical orders. The roll-ups pictured in the video seemed to be a waste of crust, however, and unnecessarily complicated, so I decided to just make traditional french toast with nutella and strawberries slathered on top. My grandmom helped me figure out the quantities of ingredients, but the rest was ALL ME and man, it felt (and tasted) good. Here's a picture, obviously, because pics or it didn't happen.

Has this picture been shared on every social media platform I'm on? Maybe.

Thinking I might finally have found what motivates me to cook (nutella),

~Sam

Learning to Cook: Day 3

My grandmother decided that my life was too peaceful, and announced that I'd be cooking tonight (paneer). Thankfully, she was worried enough about feeding us edible food that she watched over me and gave me detailed instructions. Nevertheless, being the person standing with the spoon in front of the gas was as daunting as anything I've done.

Learnings:
1. The classic: always go easy on the salt. You can add more, but you can't remove excess.
2. Add milk if it's too thick: it makes the food both taste AND look good.
3. I am too impatient and too worried about getting messy and/or getting burned to ever be able to cook as easily as my grandmother and mother do.
4. The best part of cooking is when you drop everything into the pan and stir.

To do:
1. Pay attention to the gas, and what level it's on.
2. Learn to figure out sufficiency of salt by taste.

It came out pretty well, if I do say so myself. ^_^
(Even if I was only the arm obeying my grandmother's mind and skill.)

~Sam

Learning to Cook: Day 2

I stirred Knorr soup and agreed with my grandmother when she suggested it would go better with some kali mirch. (It did.)

~Sam 

Learning to Cook: Day 1

In recognition of my imminent entry into the real world of self-sustenance and no free lunches, I asked my grandmother to teach me how to cook, and she has taken me on as her project with a terrifying amount of enthusiasm. I really didn't imagine I'd be off to a running start, but my grandmother is nothing if not efficient, and I was inducted into kitchen duty my very first night home. The plan: my grandmother makes something and I observe, then I try to make it myself a few days later. It seemed like a good idea to get some blogging out of it, (given how unlikely it seems that I'll get any actual edible food out of it), and so here goes.

Today's menu was egg bhurji, aka scrambled eggs but with a tomato-onion-chili masala. In addition to my observer duties, I made myself proud by volunteering to crack the eggs. I tried my hand at two, and succeeded at one. I CAN CRACK EGGS WITH A 50% SUCCESS RATE YO! I then spent some time watching and pondering over the prettiness of the colours involved in food (red! yellow! white! green!), why there weren't more reported incidents of kitchen accidents (did you know chili seeds can fly into your face and blind you when you're trying to fry cut chili?), and how I'd never given a thought to how much salt I ate. 

I attempted to contribute again by trying to beat the eggs while my grandmother made the masala. I thought I did okay, but I feel like my grandmother may have disagreed, given how my efforts prompted her to discreetly turn the conversation to the availability of excellent mechanised egg beaters in the market.

I also tried to memorise the proportions of the ingredients involved (six eggs, one karchi chili, two of onions, and an indeterminate amount of tomato puree, jeera, chili powder, and olive oil) and thought that I could do at least passably well at a theoretical exam on cooking egg bhurji. That is, unless they asked me the proportions for making anything but a six-egg bhurji, in which case I'd likely fail because the normal rules of ratio and proportion don't seem to apply to food, and I've never even been able to wrap my head around regular math, let alone cooking math.

Dismal failure aside, it was a pretty great experience- I could feel the inner peace growing within me while stirring the food and watching it transform from ingredients into something which could be plated, and was slightly teary-eyed at the magic of cooking, so I definitely think I'll be trying this again. 

Bonus Learning Experience: Do not hug people when they're carrying giant vats of milk. 

Fin. 

~Sam

January Favourites (and Resolutions)

It's been a tumultuous beginning of the year. What I've liked, so far:

1. When we stopped fighting. 
2. Being fed pizza. Pizza, generally. 
3. Becoming employed (when the news eventually sank in) (I'm still slightly terrified this will turn to out have been some sort of mistake). On a related note- the prospect of a set of holidays where all I do is holiday (sleeping! eating! reading!).
4. My yet-to-be-delivered panda eye mask.
5. Being nearly done with another term, and one step closer to the heaven that (I hope) is final year!  
6. Competent teachers and guest lecturers, in equal measures terrifying and sexy. 
7. Giant, cozy, warm tshirts, and my new pyjamas. Speaking of- SHOPPING! So much shopping! Earrings with the Chocolate Bomb, and a suitcase-full with my mom- blouses and pyjamas and trousers and leggings and a messenger bag (finally!) and the comfiest pretty bra ever. 
8. Books- so many books! Everything by Rainbow Rowell, starting with my eternal favourite, Carry On (thanks Ron!), some trashy romances obviously, and another Shannon Hale. The prospect of rereading all of the Harry Potter books in February.
9. The simple, beautiful pleasure of browsing and buying books- and a 70% sale at Landmark, which meant getting three books for the price of one and, more importantly, meant THREE. NEW. BOOKS! 
10. Being reminded of this poem, and all its memories and associations, just when I needed it. Bless you, Marshmallow. (I still hate you for all the feels.)
11. KINDLE. Her name is Cinder. Bless you, Amanda. 

A brief update on my resolutions for this year (because you totally care):
I'm not seriously looking to change anything or aim for anything in particular this year, like I did last year and the year before that, mostly because those two sets cover everything important, but also because I simply don't feel the need to radically change things and try to claw myself out of a sad hole this year, for which I am grateful. What I'd like to change, I mostly can't, so I'm going to just enjoy what I've got and live with the rest. To that end, some broad things I'd like to work on are- being more patient, with myself, with others, and with circumstances; stressing less, especially when something is out of my hands, as most things are; and snarking less, even when I hate someone's guts and want to claw their eyes out. There are obviously other things I want to do this year- read more, learn to cook, relearn to drive, be healthier- but it seems less important this year to make a list of them. Also, I'm lazy.

~Sam

December Favourites

It's been as short a year as any I've ever lived, and a packed one, and I've grown more this year than I can fully recognize, right now. (My love for commas, however, remains constant as ever, clearly.) But reflections are for later, when submissions aren't right on top of my head. For now, this is a snapshot of a December I hope to remember forever.

1. 11:00 a.m., most days a week.
2. Cough syrup. 
3. Cool new music, generally, even if the new One Direction album has unfortunately largely been a disappointment for me. :( 
4. Speaking of cool new music- NH7 Weekender! It was not an event I had ever imagined attending- it didn't really feel like my scene- and it was a last-minute, availability-of-cheap-tickets-dependent decision to go, but man am I glad I did. That has to be one of the best Sundays of my life- special shout out to Alien Chutney, The Map Room, dosa with chicken curry, favourite outfit (and my new gladiators' very first outing!) and the adorable gay couple I saw making out and being cute together, one of them stereotypically serious and stoic and his counterpart as flirty and dance-y as they come. 
5. Free food, terrible humour, and great company on the 17th of December. And an hour's indecision and hand-wringing over present-picking turning out to have been worth it. ^_^
6. Christmas in the loveliest seaside town I've ever seen, across three continents. Nutella banana pancakes (nutella everything, really, those two days), and pasta and Indian and mashed potatoes and secluded beach coves and feeling like the embodiment of the Christmas spirit in my Santa hat and being wished by random strangers, and shopping and temple-hopping and those moments with the waves crashing around us and Christmas morning with you- it made hours of throwing up and freezing and room-hunting worth it. Worth every moment.
7. December 31. The gorgeous venue, the people-watching, the warmth of that sweatshirt, the numerous hugs, the subway subs and cookies, the company, the conversations and whispered confessions.
8. My new glasses! I was indifferent, I liked them, I hated them, I liked them, I bought them, I despised them, I cautiously liked them, and now I absolutely do like them! No changing my mind again, promise. 
9. Doobie.
10. Jackass. 

~Sam 

November Favourites

I'm not late you're late

1. A lot of trashy historical romance novels. Thank you, Julia Quinn and Tessa Dare, for your beautifully inaccurate reads. 
2. Getting an internship! Phew. 
3. New phone!!!! Pretty cover!!! Only one drop in two weeks!! (touchwood)
4. That one day when I decided to be super productive- by organizing the songs I was going to put on my phone.
5. The last five minutes of each of the episodes I've watched of Please Like Me. I'm still conflicted about my feelings about this show, but the end of each episode keeps me coming back.
6. I finally, after years, wrapped up the Chaos Walking trilogy and..wow. There is an empty space in my life now, where the obsession of reading one of those books used to dwell, and I don't know what to fill it with because I don't remember the last time I felt that way about a book.
7. Overshooting my Goodreads Reading Challenge- even if half the books I've read are fluff and filler and the aforementioned trashy romances. 
8. Buying pretty bags. Three! ^_^ All very, ahem, necessary. 
9. Buying colour pencils and crayons, and spending hours (okay, minutes- lots of minutes) deciding which ones to buy. And colouring with them. Resisting the temptation of beautifully unusable pretty notebooks scattered everywhere. 
10. The Voice auditions (yes, again). 
11. HOMEMADE BLUEBERRY CHEESECAKE! And also brownies. And brownie batter. *sighs*
12. Thanksgiving. Pumpkin pie, and other things. <3 

~Sam

October Favourites

I succeeded in keeping a running list- but then completely forgot that a new month had happened. I am bad with time. (Time is bad to me too, so we make a good pair.) Sorry. In the last month, I sifted through the shit and liked:

1. White chocolate mocha with cinnamon powdered on top, aka drink from the gods. I had two (and with only one sugar sachet in each!), despite $$$, and despite it being fairly strong coffee by my standards. 
2. Video-chatting with Cookie. Saved my sanity, that did.
3. Jackass messaging that one time, at just the right moment, when the despair was brimming over and I was hopelessly lost and didn't know how to mop up the mess inside my head.
4. Dissecting my hamartia with Marshmallow. 
5. Sitting outside, reading, at my favourite cafe one sunny Saturday afternoon, with great food and dessert, and of course, my hazelnut coffee. 
6. My one-week-of-survival present for myself, a necklace with an arrow and a crossroads sign, warming my lost, sybolism-obsessed, basic-white-girl heart. 
7. This nice new place Popo had found where I went for a nice solo lunch (like most of my lunches and dinners this month, sigh). If they cut the prices by half (let a girl dream), it would for sure, absolutely, 100% be my new favourite place- excellent staff with just the right amount of friendliness to be welcoming and helpful without being pushy, lovely decor and beautiful music. And they didn't mind me sitting there reading and eating by myself, at all! And they ran after me to return my card when I'd left it behind! And, to top it all off, they even had great food! 
8. October 13, when I woke up, and I was okay. I was happy. I was good. 
9. Parts of my internship, and the feeling of belonging I had started to feel by the end. Arbor, and sakhzi. 
10. The quaint English cafe I found and forced my mother and sakhzi to go to, which had white picket fences and puns on cutlery and cute tea kettles and Harry Potter doodles, along with lovely food like beautiful, buttery, hot chicken pies, and sweet dreamy salted caramel milkshakes. 

Unfortunately, all of the work emails I've sent means that I now have the fight back the urge to sign off on personal emails and blogposts with "Warm regards." 

Warm regards,

~Sam

Found

She woke up this morning on solid ground again.

She did not think of you- well, she did not long for you, anyway. It had been a while since she'd woken up this way- it felt strange, a good strange, and she could have jumped for joy- she actually could have, because, you see, the ground was solid again. It was only a bit of island floating in a rough sea, not entirely safe, but it was solid, not like the thin ice she'd grown used to teetering on. She no longer had to tiptoe around her mind for fear of falling through into her thoughts- armed, frightening, pinprick tsunami thoughts which would wound and overwhelm. That part had been successfully cordoned off, no-nonsense yellow tape, and the rest was safe, solid to walk on again. 

She listened to songs, and even managed to get through some of them without thinking of you, sang along- not to yours of course, even solid ground can be shattered- but sing she did- and talked- and skipped- and laughed. She wrote on the back of her earlier outpouring, scribbled blindly as she had desperately fought to keep her balance last night- she wrote this on the back of the still-visible imprints- "You're okay. You're okay. You're okay," where the pen, the claws had dug deep- and she did not fall. The ice did not break, the sleeping dragon of her red-black feelings did not wake. 

She was okay. She would be okay. 

~Sam

Lost

I turn the music off and all I'm left with is to pick up my personal pieces

Bear with me (or don't, it is entirely up to you to leave, I will not make you stay, I will never make you stay)- I'm here because this is one of those times when I need a blank space, and my diary is too full of thoughts and emotions to offer me that, and because I want to think about how I am feeling, and not why, and this is where I turn to for that. I haven't written in a while, and I'm rusty, and I suppose this is what it feels like to climb onto a bike after you haven't ridden in a while- not that I would know, I never learned to ride without my training wheels. (Maybe that's why I'm so cautious and concerned about dealing with adult life- I never even mastered how to deal with childhood, and my foundations are shakier than most.) Except perhaps it is more like getting on a bicycle after years of not riding, but when drunk- because not only must I learn to ride again, but I must also, simultaneously, marshal my thoughts into some semblance of coherence. 

So open your eyes and see how our horizons meet

Can you tell I'm playing all my Ed Sheeran songs? He still gets to me, and I hope he always will, will always be able to wash me away with his voice and his words. I will never be able to write like that, but as long as someone can, I suppose I don't really need to. 

Where was I? Oh yes. Blank space- an empty page. I'm not sad/depressed and frustrated this time, like I was the last time I decided to use this blog for myself, wholly and unabashedly, without censorship or self-restraint- or at least, that isn't all I'm feeling- it is not that simple this time, the process of characterizing my thoughts and feelings. I suppose I'm lonely, and in need of a good laugh- I suppose I'm in need of a conversation, an actual, real-life conversation, which does not revolve solely around someone/me telling me/someone else what to do. I suppose I'm in need of a life.

We'd go anywhere our minds would take us

As I was saying, before I was distracted by the newspaper ("Once upon a time, there was a home." I wonder if real estate advertisers realize the impact their words might have on one sad girl sitting in a white and beige room, with clothes strewn around and books neatly piled, a girl with a propensity for embracing everything into the interpretation of her experiences? For that matter, I wonder if most of us realize what impact our words might have. Are we too self-absorbed, or do we just not give ourselves so much importance in other people's lives?), and the need to clean my room (put my shoes in a line of neat, orderly pairs, because you know which shoes belong with each other even if you don't with people), and the fact that it is too warm without a fan (suffocating- pressed down- smothered- but there is nothing holding me here, there is nothing but myself keeping me from walking into the fresh air and clean sunshine, or at least switching on the fan and drawing a blanket about myself, but then again, I'm quite the force, no mean feat to contend with) and too cold with it, as I was saying, my thoughts are a meandering mess right now, at least as entangled as my first attempt at weaving would be. 

I tried to carry the weight of the world, but I only have two hands 

I think this is, at least in part, brought on by that god-awful (beautiful, evocative, heart-wrenching) book the Marshmallow decided would be a good idea to present me with (I cannot tell you how grateful I am for it- I hate you). I think it is, in part, brought on by the fact that I was silly and careless, and that I forgot something I shouldn't have- that I am not, it may come as a surprise to learn, a perfectly functioning human. In part, it is brought on by the fact that we are not talking. In part, it is because I only have two hands. It is because I am terrified, walking the streets alone, my heart thudding at all the threats walking around. Because I use too many commas and spend too much money and eat too much junk and drink too much coffee (a recent addition, this one) and feel too irrationally. It is because I have too much time on my hands and too many thoughts in my mind, and feelings which refuse to form themselves into manageable words.  

It is because I am young, and lost, and I cannot see the road ahead, or recognize the road I'm on right now, for that matter, and because the only necklace I want to buy has pendants of an arrow and crossroads, because even my accessories must reflect, must scream quietly, elegantly, how very lost I am. 

Should this be the last thing I see, I want you to know it's enough for me

I wonder what I'll feel that way about, and when. I have before, I have been lucky enough to have had moments where I was ready to die, such was my contentment. 

(August 20th, in an auto by Infinitea, I see you sitting in the window and it is enough. I do not even need to go inside. You are enough. Waking up to open the door as you step into our room with a suitcase and a careworn smile, here at last, it is enough. Two years ago- stepping drained and battle-worn into my mother's rejuvenating arms, her life-giving smile, home, it is enough.  Your small projectile self barreling into my arms as I surprise you with my presence, it is more than I could have imagined. Collapsing on a white bed with wheels in a room where the AC does not work, your head in my lap, and you sitting behind me with your head on my shoulder- it is enough. Under a tree, my head on your shoulder, it was enough.)

What will be enough for me?

Maybe it's all part of a plan

This is my favourite Ed song- in the way that Ode to a Nightingale is my favourite poem, because it touches a place in my soul other poems and songs don't, even if my mind recognizes that they are just as lovely, even if they sway my heart just as much- and I am going to choose to stop with this one, even though there were songs and accompanying thoughts I didn't quote and write about ("It's all right to die, cause death's the only thing you haven't tried."- so melodramatic, and of course I love it.) I'm going to choose to stop because I'm okay now, my thoughts have hushed and settled down for a nap, the buzzing and the noise has quietened to listen to the songs and music, because I have comforted myself, and my hands are free again. Because dinner is getting cold, and I have friends and work to attend to. Because this is enough for me, for now. And perhaps contentment and peace, like belonging and joy, must be taken in the moments when we can find them. 

~Sam 

Discontent

The stars are shining
The sky is bright
The coffee is hot
The breeze just right.
For five seconds, everything is perfect.
But then you remember-
Sunny seas
Bright sands
Warm teas.
And it's not perfect. It's not perfect. It's not perfect.
And if it's not perfect, it's not enough.

~Sam

September Favourites

Once again, I am late (though this time I don't care, because I was just so tired.) Once again, I have forgotten to keep a post running through the month, and that I do care about because- what did I even do in September? I have no memory of the past month, and not in the good way, so bear with me on this vague, generic list please.

1. One thing I am 100% certain was a favourite was the end of that exhausting, soul-sucking term, and equally horrendous set of exams. Just. Over. Goodbye. Please stay gone.
2. Cuddling. Always.
3. THIS "SEXY AND I KNOW IT" COVER! I must find a way to get myself over this, it has taken over my life (and now all my YouTube recommends for me is various other covers of the song. IT'S NOT THE SAME THING, YOUTUBE. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT.) 
4. The Voice (US), in general, especially Season 4, with Shakira and Usher. If I survived the week before exams in one piece, it was because Doobie kept spamming me with links from this season, and man does this show seem great. Blake and his dad-jokes, Shakira being the little...spitfire that she is, Usher just straight-up exuding chill, and Adam, my dear Adam and his puppy faces and sad, sweet efforts to get people on his team. I have to watch this show properly at some point. But for now, it's goodbye till next exam/project time, I suppose. 
5. Pizza in the quad yo. Because pizza, and also quad. And decent company is never amiss, I guess.
6. That moment, and evening, when Doobie and I found out we had another 6 days to work on our projects. Breathing a sigh of relief, actually breathing, feeling the weight of the world lift off my shoulders, where it had accumulated without my even having realized it, dropping everything and going out, laughing, laughing, and wandering the streets putting up posters, publicizing my favourite fest (ah, who am I kidding, I love them all), relaxed and happy and in control again.  I knew there was a god up there somewhere. 
7. Chatting with MathBoy, and liking my writing again, at least for that brief moment. And not hating it afterwards either. The joy of knowing that it makes at least someone, somewhere happy. 
8. Nyancat's treat! The company, certainly, and rolling our eyes at over-friendly, pushy waiters, and cherry pie with cream, and warm chocolate cake, and loving barbs and hugs and, in my case, free food. ^_^
9. This kind of happened after midnight on the 30th, but I maintain, usually, that it isn't the next day until you have slept and woken up and/or the sun has risen, so Imma just include it here: making up holiday homework questions. And answering some of them. 
10. Shopping with Popo and the Cat! I did not do any shopping myself (SUCCESSFUL EXERCISE OF SELF-CONTROL YAAS BITCHES) (okay except when I succumbed and bought that beautiful pair of earrings but they were so unique and do you know how difficult it is finding unique earrings (or clothes or anything, for that matter) these days when everything looks the same. That wasn't shopping, that was an investment.) but I love assisting other people shop as well, when I'm in the mood (i.e. have adequate food and sleep, both of which I did- who would've known bacon and sausages inside pancakes would taste so damn good?) so that was a really fun day even if I was dead on my feet by the end. Plus it was also nice going and trying out pretty clothes I found, even if I had no intention whatsoever of buying them. 
11. Oh, learning about the new One D album, and listening to their new single(s)! Drag me down. <3 
12. Being called terms of endearment. :3
13. Jackass, I suppose. *rolls eyes*
14. Talking, bistro pasta and that episode and a half of Boys over Flowers, with Popo. ^_^ 
15. Packing, McDonalds and half of a walk with Doobie. Chatting for hours, again, listening again, connecting again, companionship again.

Hey, turns out I can remember good things if I try hard enough.

~Sam 

You have been warned.

Time will fly.
Even when it moves like a slug,
You will look back
And realize it has flown.
You will look back
At the years you missed,
The life you skipped
In the blink of an eye.
At the moments
Which felt like they'd last
Forever.
And you will realize,
Forever's come and gone
In the blink of an eye.
You will look at old chats,
Conversations and pictures,
Memories and moments,
And feel twinges of old tsunamis.
And you will realize
Time really does fly.
In the blink of an eye.


~Sam

August Favourites

For some reason, I'd forgotten to have a running draft of favourites this month, and I'm definitely not in the mood for a favourites post right now, but let's see what I can pull up, because this really has been a mostly lovely month, albeit one of expensive tastes and...expenses, generally. >.<  And embracing my inner basic white girl. (Though let's face it, I've never had much of a problem with that.)

1. Emails! Lovely, long, beautiful emails, from both Jessie and Cookie, at various points of the month, which means my inbox is a happy, happy place right now. (Though it doesn't really help that all I want to do is reply to them, when all I need to do is sit and try to figure out the law on changing service conditions when adjudication is pending, and about the international seabed under the UNCLOS. Why is my life.) 
2. Various and very, very varied amazing songs- at the moment, it's Fight Song which is keeping me going. More than keeping me going, it's actually firing me up, I LOVE THIS SONG. 
3. This is ancient at this point, but Curiosity singing happy birthday to itself just does something nice to me. :') It doesn't help that Curiosity is a really, really cute name for a robot-rover-thing. 
4. Shopping! Lots and lots of pretty clothes shopping, dresses and tops and shoes more dresses! ^_^ I also finally got myself a wallet I'm happy with, after approximately three years of unsatisfactory wallets- I think the last wallet I'd actually really liked was the one that got stolen at the end of twelfth grade. I'll miss you forever, pretty soft grey-black wallet. :( Anyway, this one is a black and white and yellow floral print that I'd love on a dress, but a wallet will have to do for now. 
5. My mum's perfume. I've been too broke to replace my deo, so I've just taken to spritzing myself with this perfume I'd stolen from my mum and damn, I've grown to like it. 
6. I found the PRETTIEST, CLASSIEST, COMFIEST, SEXIEST PAIR OF BLACK HEELS ON THE PLANET but the cashier was being a huge jerk so I decided to leave them, but I'm still really glad to have found that heels like that exist on this earth. 
7. Possible TMI, but deal with it: pretty lacy bra. Also, shopping and lunching and chatting and chilling with Popo. Dayum, that honey chili chicken was beautiful. 
8. Letters, to and from people, and everything in and around them.
9. My treat yo self day! I dolled myself up and went to my favourite breakfast place and wrote happy things in my favourite diary and people-watched and eavesdropped and wandered around my favourite street and bookshop and garden and curled up under a tree with a fun happy meaningful novel which, this reminds me, I really need to finish, and bought myself a beautiful blue-green apple-shaped balloon which I eventually ended up giving away to a baby, and was just really, really, really happy. 
10. Kingsley. I don't think he's ever been introduced here (*gasp*) but just chilling and chatting and eating and talking and walking with him brings a much-needed lightness to my life. 
11. 29.08.15. Music, phad thai and good conversation. 
12. It was birthday month, and I can't remember ever having had a better birthday. Cookie. Jackass. My friends. Me. Everything seemed to come together in harmony that weekend, and even when some of it didn't, so much of it did that it didn't really matter. (Man, I am articulate.) I wish I could write about how every single moment wove together into a tapestry of sheer joy that weekend, but I can't- it'll just make me cry. 
13. Cookie. This has been a month of Cookie, from near-daily phone conversations updating each other on the minutiae of our lives, to the countdown to her getting here, to her getting here and seeing her gorgeous self at one of my happy spots in town; to having her stay over, and showing her around my city, my room, my life; and talking to her, physically just being able to talk to her and hold her and be near her; her presence in my room; breakfast and lunch and dinner with her- dressing and walking and talking with her, it just made life complete- right up until that moment I had to let her go. Come back soon, love.
14. BANANA CHOCOLATE CHIP CAKE OMNOMNOMNOMNOM. Thank you, Cookie Mother. 
15. Birthday month also meant PRESENTS, and I got the loveliest ones! Books, so many books, and more than that- notes and letters and and hugs and words of love and encouragement that mean everything. Thank you, all of you. 
16. Basketball court walks with Doobie and Nags dinners with sparkykitty. 

Other things probably but who has the memories for that, yeah?

Late again,

~Sam 

Safety and Surrender

I fidget. I look at my phone, tap my foot, play with my hair, smile, scowl, stretch, examine my nails, check out your profile, check my phone, throw it away and stare uncomprehendingly at the work I'm supposed to be doing.

I wait. I wait for you to text, whatsapp, message. I wait for you to ask for my number, wait for you to look up, to look at me, wait for you to ask me to look at you.

I soar and I drown and I bite the skin near my nails and I think and talk- I think and talk, and I talk and think, to you, about you, and to you about you and me.

I smile at my phone, my beautiful cracked phone which shows me your beautiful words, to crack my happy safe heart with, melt my armour and leave the soft flesh for you to love and cherish- and wound and pinch, to leave me wracking with tearless sobs from the softest of cuts.

And I write. I write things like- "I'm scared" and "I like him too much" and "I don't know" and "I want." And I write about this boy, who makes me smile, and eats up all my time, and I cannot explain why. For the love of god, I cannot explain why. It's too much, but it isn't enough, and it turns out all the cliches are true after all.

~Sam 

July Favourites

I don't understand time. I could've sworn yesterday was the 31st of July.

1. Marble teacake. That is all. The amount of joy I got from that first bite was unreal.
2. Watching ZNMD with Doobie, and laughing and talking and giggling for no reason for hours.
3. Pllvi, and our epic five-hour talking marathon, where we covered just about everything from friends to juniors to seniors to love and life and careers and dogs and lipstick and feminism.
4. Pizza. For some reason, I'd gone off pizza, which was a strange feeling. The love is back though, with a bang. <3
5. Inside Out. Great company, excellent movie, plus I finally fulfilled my seafood pink sauce pasta craving! Bonus: chocolatey chocolate dessert.
6. Those five minutes  that one time when I was productive.
7. One lovely Sunday evening when I went up to the terrace, finally giving up my dark laptop for the beautiful heaven that had been teasing me outside my window all day. I firmly believe that it is the best decision that I have ever made- I literally moaned in delight when I stepped out and was embraced by the breeze, and then I walked around all fluttery for a while before deciding to climb onto the water tank, the next deck (?) of the terrace, which for some reason I haven't noticed in the past two years, and then even higher, onto the water tank of that terrace. And then I turned around, my feet on the stairs, my hair blowing all around me, and watched the very clouds being bullied away by the eager playful breeze, and I looked at all the trees and all the crows and even the railing of the stair next to me with a fondness usually reserved only for great poetry or great cake, and I laughed madly to myself, and shivered and hugged myself and laughed and laughed, and looking in wonder at the stunning sky, the fluttering trees, and felt purest, most unobscure joy. 
8. Sitting with Doobie in the centre of the basketball court at midnight, discussing Kelsen's monistic theory of law and staring up at the stars. 
9. Some..conversations. 12/07/15, arguably, but more importantly, 14/07/15. And also, 18/07/15, I suppose. Apparently, I'm quite something. 
10. Cake and fudge ice cream. ^-^

xoxo,

~Sam

June Favourites

I completely forgot we'd moved into July! Here goes-

1. Amazing weather, in that first part, rain and breeze and sunshine and fluttering leaves. 
2. Getting a couple of opportunities that I'd been yearning for, for a while, the few things that actually excited me in law school, which I never thought I'd be able to get. Shoutout to nyancat and my mum for gently pushing me. <3 And for everything, generally. 
3. MANGOES. Succulent, big, beautiful, amazing-smelling, mangoes. 
4. Sparkykitty. <3 (Why are there no emojis on this thing? How am I even supposed to express?) 
5. A surprisingly fun internship! (And interns.)
6. Delhi, and its associated pleasures- cousins and aunt and haircut and tall glasses of chilled milk and, of course, incomparable food.
7. PRETTY NOTEBOOKS. 
8. My nani's chawal ki kheer. I have no idea how to say that in English. My grandma's rice...pudding? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 
9.  The kind old man who allowed me to switch seats with him on the train, and the weird cute kid who sat in front of me and sneakily peeked at me throughout, darting away every time I caught him at it, but eventually summoning up enough courage for a protracted conversation, in the course of which he informed me he'd drink up all my blood. Lovely. 
10. Lazing around with good books (the Parasol Protectorate series!) and nothing immediately important to do. 

~Sam

Cuts

You know what I'm terrified of?
Cockroaches, lizards and sundry insects aside,
Love aside, loneliness and loss and death aside,
Failure aside,
You know what I'm truly afraid of?
Those sharp cuts, that slice straight through,
Deep and true,
So swift and sharp and sure,
You don't even know they're there.
Not until years later,
When you're bloodless and lifeless and dried out-
When you've slowly lost every bit of your essence,
Leaking through cuts you don't know you have.
Because you can't see them, feel them,
Because you can't see or feel emptiness.
Not until you're empty,
Not until it's too late.
I guess what I'm truly terrified of,
Is finding my cuts too late.

~Sam

May Favourites

I will not be late this time. I will not be late this time. I will not be late this time.
I AM NOT LATE THIS TIME. :D

1. The Photograph video. The expression and feelings I had watching this will probably only be repeated when I'm watching my own child take her first steps.
2. Doobie. Idk if you read this,  and I've told you irl, but thank you for being in my life, okay? Now go work, bye.
3. That questionnaire. (Okay, I wrote this at some point at the beginning of the month and now I have no idea what I was referring to.) 
4. Writing! And rereading some of my old stuff, and actually liking parts of it. 
5. Kintsugi. The lyrics and the music and the voice and my state of mind just blended in together to make one of the most beautiful listening experiences I've had in a while. 
6. Cleaning and listening to more beautiful music. 
7. 20.05.15. Going to the cute pizza place with amazing pizza and a furry carpet of a pet dog, getting drenched in the rain and clinging to sanity by discussing in great detail the plot of Race Gurram, cleaning the entire room and getting that lovely letter from Doobie. 
8. This epic wordplay in one of my papers, about how the prima facie standard seems quite low on the face of it. That entire paper, actually, maybe. 
9. A, and breakfast and books and coffee and clothes, and a lovely day. 
10. Pretty clothes! Formal skirts and blouses!! 
11. Mum. 

Now I'm going to go back to ignoring the soft pleas of my beautiful unread novels, and try to get some work done. Wish me luck. 

~Sam 

What's your skill-set?

A couple days ago, V was telling me about her fears of how we would survive a zombie apocalypse, and while talking to her about how I'd probably die in ~5 seconds given my total and utter lack of survival skills, I was hit by an arguably more worrisome thought: my total and utter lack of life skills. I don't know how to drive, or cook; I don't think I've ever been introduced to the concept of saving money; what are taxes even; I cannot sell myself for a job; I clam up in interviews and around strangers and somehow appear as arrogant when that is usually the farthest from who I am; I am some confused liberal feminist person who makes largely conservative choices and isn't very sure of her opinions so I don't really fit in with the liberals or the conservatives and have issues with everyone on the planet basically; I am so confused about myself and my feelings and who I am and who I should be and all that jazz; I am chronically indecisive and also really lazy and basically what I'm saying is that I'm not too concerned about how I'm going to survive the eventual zombie apocalypse because at this point I don't even know how I'm going to survive life.


~Sam 

For You

"Dear You,

Today my pen stopped working, and I finally got the courage to write how I feel about you. I checked three times to make sure it really had stopped working, scribbling inklessly across pages and pages, ensuring it wouldn't betray me with ink at the last moment. It didn't work, and the haunting (evocative? beautiful?) music played on, and it really was too dramatic a moment to pass by, and so I wrote. I wrote that I loved you, and that I was a fool, and I wondered to the still-blank sheet why I must be like this. I wrote that you were beautiful, and I was not, but it would be the same even if it was any other way, if I was beautiful and you were not, or we both were, or we both were not- because I would still be in love, and you would not. The sheet listened, oh it listened like you never could, absorbing every word, and leaving just enough of an impression to show it was listening, and I wrote everything, I said it all. And then I rubbed the sheet out gently, rubbed out every indention of my emotions, rubbed till my hand was warm and the paper was smooth and every slightest trace of my love gone. 

And now I've confessed all I felt, and all I'm left with is a blank sheet and a pen which does not work.

Love,
Me." 

What Am I Doing?

What am I doing?
I open up your chat window
And stare at it quietly
Praying, craving, wishing, hoping
You'll say something
(SAY SOMETHING)
I scream at you internally
Not a flicker of emotion crossing my face.

What am I doing?
I eat a slice of pizza
I really don't need
While I flick through your pictures
Again- nothing new, but old is still gold
There's the funny one, the cute one, the hot one
Same things, same place, same order
Nothing has changed.

What am I doing?
I chat with your friend,
Your mom, your dad, your girlfriend
All the while glowering at your picture
Waiting for you to say something
A link, a rant, a picture, a hi
I'll take anything
Just say something.


~Emo Sam Part III

Click

Something just clicked
As I talked to you that last time
And things that were floating
Settled once more into reality
As I wondered why
I was spending so much time and energy
Effort and emotion
On someone who wasn't even real.

~Emo Sam Part II

The Culvert

I spanned across a little stream, carrying people from one place in life to another, from joy to sorrow, or sorrow to ecstasy, births to funerals to airports and planes, or simply from home to work and work to home again. Footsteps stumbled by all day, never stopping, never seeing--but sometimes the crowds thinned, the walking slowed and the eyes met. That was when the stories were made.

There was the brown-haired man who walked with a Lily in the mornings and a Rose in the evenings, who kissed both and loved neither, but who stood in the afternoons with his mother, feeding pigeons and sharing smiles. There was the mother, who looked back every time they parted, who knew exactly what her son was - and who he was capable of being.

There was the man with the stained shirt and the happy heart, whose wife ran after him daily, infallibly, for she had forgotten to give him his lunch, and he had forgotten to take it. He turned around, remembering, just as she came panting behind him- both pairs of eyes rolling in exasperation, both pairs of lips upturned in secret delight. A more synchronized dance I had never seen.

There was the white-toothed woman who was more capricious than a diamond in the sparkling sunlight. Never was there a more vivacious imp than her in company, but she seemed dulled to coal whenever she came to me alone. Her clothes fully covered her body, but they hid more than just her modesty. Behind closed doors, behind closed doors.

There was the young butcher's apprentice, who, it seemed, had his existential crisis scheduled for the Thursday evenings he visited me. Head down, frown up, he'd amble over, staring at his feet and his bloodstained nails, throwing pebbles in the water and glaring at the sky as though it had caused him personal affront. It was the bloody sunset he had special attention for, though, and he devoured it hungrily, all the ugly shades of red he was so familiar with, made so beautiful. It was when he came to me on a Wednesday, or a Monday, though, that I worried, and then I made sure to push my finest pebbles up for him to flick to the water; to push my railings a little higher, so he wouldn't fall over- accidentally, of course.

There were the workmen who came by once in a while to give me a touch-up, the ones who called out to women and the ones who didn't; the ones who meant harm and the ones who just didn't know any better. Some of them, I made sure, left with pebbles in their shoes that would stick in the tiniest corner, and bother them for days to come; some I made sure even the mud didn't touch.

And then, once in a blessed blue moon, was the gentle old lady in white, my love if only she'd been a bridge and not a widow bride, who came by for no other reason, it seemed, than to sit with me, and watch with me. She'd sit there the whole day, one of my pebbles in her hands, rubbing its smooth edge, smiling at the happy forgetful couple as I smiled, glancing with gentle concern at the apprentice as I did, exchanging nods with the cheat and his mother as I never could. Once, I thought, as she put back the pebble in its place and gathered herself to leave, she even whispered a goodbye to me.



~Sam

Not About You

Tell me you love me.
Tell me you choose me.
Tell me you'll change your mind for me.
Tell me you'll trust me.
Tell me you'll make me trust you.
Tell me I'm important.
Tell me I'm right.
Tell me I'm enough.
Tell me sometimes, I'm everything.
Tell me you won't leave me.
Tell me everything.
And listen to me, and maybe I'll tell you, too. 

Maybe I already have. 


~Emo Sam

Too many people I know, know about this blog. Bah. 

References

Somewhere Over the Rainbow reminds me of Cookie. Candles remind me of Koko. Yoda and yoda-like english is Chocolate Bomb, always. Scarves remind me of Marshmallow and Zayn reminds me of Laani. Backscratching reminds me of the Cat, massages remind me of Doobie, my red coat reminds me of my mother's love and happy times. My shoes remind me of my old school, of when I bought them and I argued with the teacher that they fulfilled the rule that shoes must be predominantly black, even though these are a borderline case with all that pink - and of younger times when the colour of your shoes was so important, and when a crush took over your entire world. Certain kinds of books remind me of Popo, and fangirling over Sherlock reminds me of sparkykitty.
These are only some of the references to some of the people in my life, a handful of things reminding me of a handful of people. There are so many more- chairs and books and shoes and bags and and songs and pictures and floors and ceilings- that remind me of so many more people, so many mundane things that are so extraordinary to my heart, and all of that just reminds me of this:

"A wall broke my heart. A wet field of grass broke my heart. A child hugging his parents legs in an airport broke my heart. Water in a bath has broken my heart. A tattoo has broken my heart. A photograph on the internet broke my heart. A watch broke my heart. Holding my breath underwater broke my heart.

You have your unique fractures along your heart, and I have mine. And maybe there is nothing, anywhere, that doesn't break someone's heart."

-Iain Thomas 

~Sam

April Favourites

I don't know why I keep forgetting about these, my mind is all over the place these days. That apart, April is such a pretty name for a month! Getting to it, now:

1. Cookie's Emails. These are a kind of constant favourite, but this is the month when I realized they haven't been officially recognized yet (I think). Just seeing her name in my inbox brightens my face, and actually reading the email brightens up my whole day. -sentiments- 
2. RC's music. Like this and this and this. 
3. The Thinking Out Loud music video. Youtube randomly gifted it to be one evening, and I fell in love with it all over again; and then it started playing in a shop randomly and the corners of my mouth just lifted. At this point, this is so going to be my wedding song (in the event that I have a wedding song). 
4. My Abba spree this one random evening, when it was raining outside and the beautiful city breeze was back, and I'd woken up at 4:20 in the pm, and everything was just unreal and sort of floating on air. 
5. ICE CREAM. Cake and fudge, you are my life now. Along with cookies and cream, of course. And waffle cones. WAFFLE CONES.  
6. Cheesecake from my favourite cheesecake place (twice!). Having a favourite cheesecake place! Cheesecake! Also, hot chocolate from my favourite cheesecake place! Also also, the eggless toffee chocolate cake from my favourite cheesecake place. Basically, everything. Everything from my favourite cheesecake place.
7. 4am conversation with a friend. Gracias. 
8. The Opposite of Loneliness. Some of those essays hit home, square in the front yard. 
9. The joy and relief of getting my internship, and of finding out I'd be going to Delhi again and could thus a) chill with my cousins and b) get my hair cut by Shahid!
10. Pushing Daisies! <3 Everything about this show is so perfect- from Chuck's fifties style dresses to Emerson's smartassness to Ned's piemaking and gawkiness and everything, Ned's everything. And the narrator of course, Jim Dale makes everything perfect. 
11. Regina. At this point, she is the only character I like in Once Upon A Time, but man do I love her. 
12. Poetry! So much pretty poetry! RC's and Anne Sexton's and Maya Angelou's and and this one oh my god, and that Who's Your Poet BFF quiz that started this whole spree.
13. Philip Pullman's Northern Lights, again. Rereading old favourites is such a pleasure, I wish I could do it all the time (but no, there are too many new books to read for me to have that privilege). 
14. Long facebook conversations with new friends and old. 
15. Writing that paragraph of the Zaara story that V made me write for her, and contemplating writing more. (Pfft.)
16. EGO BOOST CONVERSATIONS. :D "Praise me, bitch." 
17. Making sparkykitty laugh at all the unintentionally funny parts of Avengers (which also happened to be pretty much the only parts of the movie I actually enjoyed).
18. A couple of pretty damn good hazelnut lattes. 
19. The children's section of this pretty old bookstore, with all those beautifully bound books of fairytales. Sigh. 

Okay, that's all for now. Ta!

~Sam 

March Favourites

I'M LATE. Again! I'm so sorry. :( So much has happened this last month, I absolutely forgot about my humble favourites list. But here, very briefly, are the favourites I did keep track of/remember:

1. The day before the first day of term. I love this calm before the storm, this one day in limbo where you're alone- just before you're thrust into the activities of the term, and just after the packing and goodbyes from home- a day of cleaning and unpacking and thinking and being and putting things in order for a new beginning.
2. HOME. AGAIN. SO EPIC. I CANNOT DESCRIBE. BEAUTIFUL. I met Marshmallow (our first sleepover everrrrrrrrrrrr) and Malko (our first sleepover everrrrrrrrr) and Casey (his first butter chicken everrrrrrr, and also my first virtual reality experience everrrrrrr) and other friends and I hung out with people I'd ordinarily never talk to and had so much fun and we played dumb charades after so long and I laughed so much and it was basically the best three days of my life since the last time I went home. Which was only last month!!! :D
3. The prologue of this book I read, Let the Great World Spin, which has to be one of the best combinations of words ever to have been written. I read the entire thing out loud, it was that beautiful.
4. A couple of my friends from home came over to see me, and I had the most amazing three days with them (I've had a lot of fun three-day experiences in the recent past, clearly). I finally understood how a staycation can be calming- I was right here, but it felt like a vacation from reality. Not to mention that this was the first time the three of us had properly hung out in about five years, and then first time the three of us were meeting together in about two years. 
5. I went for this event called "Dramatic Reading of Bad Literature," which is exactly what it sounds like, and exactly as painfully funny as you think. 
6. I went for a road trip to Pondi which some friends, and while there we went to a restaurant, one of those places which automatically lift your spirits and make the world seem like a better place (though I suppose an hour spent watching the waves crash on the rocks facilitated that mood as well). We were the only people sitting inside, eating our amazing food and drinking our amazing drinks and laughing and talking, and it was picture-perfect-- and then a Frenchman called David came in and started playing the violin, just for us, and I cannot even describe what it felt like.
7. Season 3 of Once Upon A Time. 

~Sam

Star-addicted

Virtual reality-
The stars above you,
Two inches from your face,
Turn left and they're so much closer-
You can see the crystals, the sharp edges-
Right, and they're distant lights again.
Is that how life is?
(This is where this gets pretentious.)
Look up close at the sharp angles and mistakes,
Or far away at the general joy
(General Joy, salute, mandatory reference made)
and sadness, regrets and nostalgia.
Who makes this choice, are we born with it?
Do we decide how to see the glass,
Half-full or half-empty, beer or wine?
(I don't know what I'm saying.)
Oh yes- the stars-
They're beautiful, are they not?
So pretty, so romantic,
Those burning balls of fire,
Consuming gas, imploding, exploding-
Whatever it is that stars do.
Whatever it is that lovers do.


~Sam 

An envelope full of memories.

Emptying out my backpack-
Too full of fly-about sheets for my sanity-
I rifle through a month full of memories.
Receipts, from conversations and lunches,
Their faded typed lettering reflective of so much more than numbers-
Reflective of squeals squealed and hugs inflicted,
Happiness relived and memories both shared and made.
Hastily scribbled napkins with dates and times and tiny snippets of life;
Tickets, which say the flight time is two hours,
But I know better- I know how many years and weeks and months it took to reach there.
Boarding passes, reminiscent of a stinging embarrassment, when I left one behind on the counter-
Reminiscent of the night of sleepless revelry that led to such forgetfulness-
Reminiscent of all that came before and all that came after.
Cards, thrust into my hands by eager shopkeepers,
Symbols of purchases made, of another day and another friend, of brownies and twinship,
Of a slight rebelliousness in the air that day,
Which leads back again to other days,
Other memories-
A lifetime full of memories.
My envelope full of memories.

~Sam

February Favourites

Look, alliteration!
I know I'm late, but my internship ended yesterday and I figured I'd write this after wrapping up that part of my life. And maybe because I was lazy. Moving on, this is going to be another stupendously long post, so enjoy!

1. My first favourite leads from my last post (and all my other posts) and is basically Sakhzi's unfailing declaration of love for all my favourites posts. I love doing them, and it's nice to know they're making other people's hearts warm too. ^_^ 
2. As I think I've mentioned, I'm with my aunt for the holidays, and as always, it's been wonderful. I love having a sister in the house, I love being with my aunt, I love having a younger sibling to defend from his evil older sibling. I also love this place and all its cool hangout spots, and winter clothing and boots and coats and scarves and gloves and beanies and hot chocolate- I'm beginning to realize I really like winter when I'm warm. One particularly fond memory is from the night before my aunt's birthday, where she gave me precisely one drop of vodka mixed with half a glass of cranberry juice and asked me to try out her cocktail, and then my cousin and I laughed at her (she has a tendency to talk about taking us drinking, but when it came to it...) and we chilled and talked all evening.
3. This one night (which seems like another lifetime, not just last month) where we went out and I had coffee lava cake (so good!). I was lost over the main course- food courts are not meant for indecisive people like me, usually I just wander in circles looking at all the choices and see which one I can visualize myself eating that night, a process which involves many evocations of "Sam, have you decided yet? Sam, we're leaving. Sam?" One kindly behind-the-counter person saw my plight and decided to step in and help me, and asked me whether I was vegetarian or non-vegetarian. Then he narrowed down my life to precisely two choices of different kinds of chicken, and since one was meant to be shared, I was left with one, and that is what I ate (heads up- harissa chicken? Amazing). He was a godsend, and I firmly believe that every food court should have such decision making angels. One thing I do regret from that night is that he'd asked me to give him feedback, but when I went to tell him his chicken was awesome he was talking to someone and I didn't want to awkwardly disturb him so I thought I'd come back later, but then we left in a hurry and I forgot. :( 
4. Internship! Parts of it sucked- like the freezing cold in the office, and being told by one of the juniors that I needed to be more proactive after an already shitty day of headaches and life sadness, but most of it was absolutely wonderful. I loved the chaos of court, though not so much the waiting; I loved hearing about crazy clients and pointless cases; I loved learning about everything I'd never even have heard of in law school; I loved the bright-eyed thrill of finding the perfect bit of information, or the most fitting case after searching for hours; I loved walking with my long black coat and slight heels and feeling all cool; I loved the car-rides with random conversations, with the beautiful city outside the window- one favourite was when they asked me if One Direction had been my boy band while growing up, and I scoffed at the idea and said no, of course not, Backstreet was my boy band, One Direction only got on the scene when I was like already sixteen and ancient, I'm not that young. And then they all laughed at me, and I smiled too because it cracked the ice a little more- I was pretty awkward for like the first three of my four weeks, and they'd already teased me about being far too scared of them and jumping every time someone called me. This is one of the times I wish I was a little more...proactive, I suppose ( :P ) and a little less awkward, because I could have done a lot more if I'd been less underconfident and shy or whatever the hell I am. Either way, it was an amazing learning experience, and at the end of it I got a sweet note AND MY FIRST STIPEND EVER, and now I don't know what to do with it. 
5. News of Harper Lee's Mockingbird sequel, Go Set A Watchman! I'm slightly less delighted now than I was when I first heard the news- which was met with increasing levels of squealing as we realized first, that there was another book by her, and second that it was a sequel oh sweet mother  A SEQUEL- because of all the mess about whether this was actually done with her free and informed consent or not. So now I don't know how to feel, but ignoring all the mess and focusing just on the book, I AM SO EXCITED. To Kill A Mockingbird is one of my absolute favourite books of all time- to the extent that, as I've written about earlier, my ideal tattoo would be three birds circling on my wrist, a nightingale (because Ode to a Nightingale) and a mockingbird and a bluejay, because this book is life. Which, I know, sets a very high standard for the next one, which adds to the conflicted feelings, but my overwhelming feeling is one of happiness, so this deserves a spot on here. 
6. My favouritest TV show ever started filming this month! Koko went all extra and told us that it was airing this month and we all went wild, until Laani informed us that they were only starting filming- which is still good enough for me. YAYAYAYY!
7. Once Upon A Time is another TV show that I'm beginning to really like (though the second season is largely annoying, but I'm informed that the third is brilliant), to the extent that I want to cosplay as one of its characters for Comic Con. She isn't my favouritest character on the show, but her outfit is cool, so she's my choice as of now. Please pray I find nice, cheap clothes. Also, if I manage to do it, it'll be my first cosplay ever, SO OMG EXCITEMENT.
8. I finally bought Baby Lips, and I love it! Yes, lip balm is a favourite, shut up. I ALSO BOUGHT RED LIPSTICK. FROM SEPHORA. FINALLY. My life is now complete.
9. This one evening when we went to this amazing Italian restaurant, and I had shandy and a sip of beer which wasn't completely disgusting, and, most importantly, baked potato with cheese and chicken!!!! And banofee pie! Both of which I'd been craving 5ever. 
10. A certain annoying friend of mine, Casey, stalked my facebook and brought up embarrassing old posts which left me weeping and laughing at the same time, because omgwhatwasIthinking, but also omgirememberthatmemories!
11. One of the posts that he brought up was one of those chain thingies, where if you liked my status I would tell you my first impression of you, how we met, your best feature, what I like about you, what reminds me of you, my favourite memory of us, a rating of your profile picture, what I think we should do and whether you should post this as your status. Evil as they are, a whole bunch of my friends liked the status, and my kindliness led me to answer all of them, which, again, led me down memory lane and teary smiles. It also led to me making everyone else also put this up as their status, one of which eventually ended in a ~2200 comment thread because we are just that jobless. 
12. I met a couple of my friends, which is always fun, but getting to meet the Chocolate Bomb, thrice, after I don't even know how long, takes the cake. I love her so much, I can't even express it. 
13. BOMBAY. I went there for the competition I'd been researching on/dying over/whining about since October, and despite promising myself I would not put myself through this again, the thrill of actually presenting my work was so great that now I'm considering doing it again, and I don't know how to feel about that. That confusion is for another day, however- first let me rave about Bombay:
1. The sea. How does anyone get any work there? If I lived there, I would just sit by the sea all day and stare out at the water thinking about anything and everything, or just nothing. I did do that one night, chilling by Marine Drive, and it was so...serene.
2. I got to meet Sakhzi! We shopped and talked and ate the most amazing brownies ever made- including a cookie brownie, which is the most amazing creation that can ever be made, with the exception perhaps of a brownie cookie. 
3. The after party, after the competition, the details of which are not appropriate for a public forum, but which, let me just say, was amazing.
4. The beautiful, too small, cupcakes the hosts greeted us with, and the excitement of finally being there after so long. 
5. The fondness I feel for parts of this experience after it is over. Some weird Stockholm Syndrome is at play here, I tell you, I despised everything except the oral presentation while working, and now I suddenly love just about all of it. 
6. Finding sticky notes we'd passed to each other during our rounds, later, and feeling all nostalgic. 
7. Meeting my uncle and aunt after I don't even know how many years.
8. Being a badass rebel and climbing the shoe house (yes, that is what it sounds like) meant for kids under 12 and standing at the balcony and looking out at the pretty gardens and the sea and feeling like a princess, even though in the story the witch built the house to trap kids or whatever. Also, I kind of may have started a rebellion because when I left everyone was clambering all over the shoe, which made me feel all Mockingjay. 
9. Oh, I forgot to mention, I fell in love. One of our alumni took a practice round for us, and he is just the sweetest, smartest and cutest man on the planet, end of discussion. He was adorable, and his house was littered with Calvin and Hobbes cushions. How could anyone resist? This apart, the general sweetness of our seniors in helping us out was very touching, and some of them did a lot more than anyone would have expected. <3
10. Nyancat aka team mommy aka my adoptive room mother. She is a favourite. That is all.
11. One of the many things I liked about this trip was that I wasn't as rule-abiding as I usually am. Under the experienced tutelage of my teammate, we skipped a super-boring event to go to cool fests being held in the city (where we serendipitously stumbled across a most delicious scent of waffles, and eventually the waffles themselves, which we devoured and then we walked and talked and sat and talked and just had a wonderful evening). I then skipped another pointless event to nap, and partially missed another one to hang out with Sakhzi. I chilled at Marine Drive at 2am. I hugged a cute boy and had a bad-Backstreet-Boy singalong with another one. I danced. I laughed. I lived. #drama
14. HOW COULD I FORGET, I COOKED! Pasta! I'd bought the sauce after tasting a free sample while waiting for Bomb to come see me, and then I decided I would make the pasta myself, and I did (with some help)! I have pictures to prove it too! And it was edible! And all of it got eaten! B| Successfully cooking (and also successfully wearing formals every day for a month, which believe me was torture, I think I'm studying for the wrong profession) made me realize that maybe I won't completely fail at adulhood, which was a nice moment. 
15. I made this new friend, RC, and got some amazing music from him. Current favourite: One Headlight, by The Wallflowers. I also got an epic book recommendation which I will read and review as soon as I can get my hands on it.
16. I did a bit of shopping which always lights up the materialist in me- I bought the cutest tiny leather bag which will only carry my phone and some money, which was a size I'd been looking for; and three pairs of pretty earrings and another bag and a few scarves and Spongebob pajamas and a pretty kurti which I currently love and other things I don't remember. 
17. AND NOW I HAVE LEGIT HOLIDAYS FOR ALL OF FIVE DAYS WHEN I CAN CHILL WOOHOO!

Okay, I have to go now. Forgive me for any typos, I haven't been able to proofread, but I need to run and this post is late enough as is. 

Ta!

~Sam

I wonder.

I don't remember when I wrote this, but I found it sitting in my drafts box and thought I'd post something apart from Monthly Favourites for a change. ^_^

_______

I wonder who talks about me, the way I talk about you.
Who looks at me across the room and forces their eyes in another direction, lest they be caught?
Who texts their friends furiously when I'm nice, when I'm mean, when I smile, when I frown,
Basically- whenever I'm around?
Who is extra-awkward, and tries extra-hard to ignore my existence (their efforts unnoticed),
Because isn't that how flirting works?
I wonder who feels about me, the way I feel about you.

~Sam 

A Procrastinator's Life For Me

Today, I had to do one of three big Tasks. It's 12:18 a.m. right now and so far I have:

1. Chilled with my cousin and aunt.
2. Whatsapped.
3. Eaten dinner.
4. Checked my phone for notifications.
5. Chilled more with my cousin and aunt.
6. Whatsapped.
7. Watched one episode of Once Upon A Time ("just one").
8. Checked my phone for notifications.
9. Craved chocolate cake and got a nutella sandwich instead, a fair trade I think.
10. Whatsapped.
11. Watched another episode of Once Upon A Time.
12. Checked my phone for notifications.
13. Opened up facebook in order to keep from watching another episode of Once Upon A Time.
14. Whatsapped.
15. Scrolled through facebook.
16. Read a bunch of random links, none of which were meaningful enough for me to remember now, a mere hour later.
17. Checked my phone for notifications.
18. Changed my whatsapp profile picture (thrice). 
19. Whatsapped friends.
20. Listened to Jealous by Nick Jonas because the Marshmallow was singing it on whatsapp.
21. Watched the Blank Space video because YouTube auto-play played it and who am I not to bend to YouTube's will? 
22. Checked my phone for notifications.
23. Scrolled through my iTunes hunting for a nice song to play as I worked. 
24. Stalked my own blog.
25. Stalked Malko and my bios on our blog.
26.  Checked my phone for notifications. 
27. Thought about waking up early tomorrow and working.
28. Thought about how I didn't wake up early today and work.
29. Instgrammed.
30. Snapchatted.
31. Documented my unhappiness regarding work in a snapchat selfie.
32. Stalked everyone's snapchat story.
33. Checked my phone for notifications.
34. Written this post.

I think I'm going to go now.

~Sam 

An Open Letter to Neymar Jr On His 23rd Birthday

Neymar. I remember the moment he walked, nay, nutmegged into my life. It was during the World Cup. I knew I wanted to watch the opening ceremony and first match, but somehow missed it. Next morning I walked into the living room, and saw a boy in a bright yellow jersey with blond hair in the newspaper. There he was, in all his althetic glory. I felt the spark immediately. It felt like a surge of energy. I spent the next few hours investing in him on the Internet. Little did I know, that the investment, wasn’t for a few hours, but for a lifetime. As I sat down to watch him play for the first time, I fell in love. I fell in love with his talent, with his style of play, with his personality; with him. As the games in the world cup progressed, my adoration for him only grew. I looked upto him. He had become my inspiration. So in that one terrifying second that he fell to the ground, crying, I could not breathe. I was so scared for him. I knew he had the potential to be the best player in the world someday, and so I could not even fathom to think about the ‘what if’s. He didn’t deserve that pain. I wanted to take it away. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted everything to be okay. I needed him to get back up and fight, and of course,he did! He fought his way through the injury and came back stronger than ever. I was welling with pride and adoration. Look at him now. Oh my, how high he’s soaring. I have no doubt that he’s going to reach the top one day. Neymar is loyal and humble. He is dedicated and zealous. He is endearing and incredibly sexy. He turned only 23 today, and the world hasn’t seen anything yet. He has a lot more to offer; he will be a legend. He deserves nothing less. Happy Birthday, my love. I hope you have a great day and a great life. I really do. I love you :’)

January Favourites

[I've completed an entire year of Monthly Favourites! Wow.]

This month went by fast! I spent a term waiting and hoping for the 2nd of January, and then it finally came- and went- and then it was the 16th- and then it was the 19th- and then it was February, and I'm still spinning from the whirlwind. There are some months where you have to hunt for your favourites, look under table mats and in dusty corners for the tiny things that made you smile in the midst of all the hellishness. And then there are some months were good things just happen to you, where the favourites fling themselves into your arms. This was the second kind of month. I'm just going to go chronologically because I don't know how else to get all of this out.

1. January 2: I've been participating in an activity which occurs in two stages and the first, arguably shittier, stage ended on the 2nd, after months of stress and self-hate and general awfulness. The second stage ends next month, and while I'm pretty much reconciled with it being a total failure, I have a feeling it'll make it onto my favourites anyway, merely by virtue of it being finally over. 
2. January 4: I finally met a lovely old friend of mine, my Clone, we used to call her, because we were so similar and liable to be hyper and overexcited, after a year of being in the same city (we suck, I know). Turns out we're still similar as ever, though, at least in terms of creepily sneaking glances at beautiful extremely well-dressed ethereal women who come sit on the table across from us in a quaint cafe, reading a nice book and possibly crying, possibly waiting for someone, looking like a storybook character nonetheless. Clone had brought me to this amazing, beautiful little cafe with trippy paintings and hanging plants and a peaceful atmosphere, and we were curled up in a corner watching Amelie and eating sandwiches and epic French toast and waiting for our chocolate cake, when she came and sat down. We'd each been sneaking glances at her- there was some aura about her which drew the eye- when Clone pointed her out to me, and then we exclaimed at our creepy similarity and we snuck glances at her together and imagined various reasons why she was here, like this, and what her life was like, and concluded that we both wanted to be her, or at least her friend. Then the couple sitting next to her noticed our creepiness and started glaring judgmentally at us, which was slightly embarrassing, but hello, they had clearly been staring at us too, to have noticed our creepiness? So like, back off? 
3. January 16: The term ended. HALLELUJAH. This has, by far, been the worst term in my academic life so far, and I really hope I never experience a worse one, or anything even close. I still have loads to do all holidays, and won't be free from its clutches until the middle of next month, but still. I thought it would never end, and the countdown to the end was one my favourites this month.
4. This article I read about 36 questions that can make any two people fall in love. The article itself made me smile because it's such a sweet love story, and the idea of the 36 questions themselves (followed by four minutes, I think, of staring each other in the eye, which is a very long time) sounded insanely interesting. This parody piece by the New Yorker, about 36 questions guaranteed to make you fall out of love, wrapped everything up very nicely.
5. Oh! Something else which happened was that my aunt stumbled across this story of mine which I'd sent to a website. The website accepts everything, so this was not a big deal, but she thought it was, and she told my mom, who told my uncle and all her friends, all of whom sent me nice complimentary texts, and it was basically the most embarrassing thing ever. Then I came over to my aunt's place and she bragged about it to all her friends, in response to which I ran away and hid in my room. This is a favourite because compliments are nice, but everything else was mainly just something which makes me want to cover my face and hide (with my ear to the door, so I can hear people saying nice things about me). 
6. Internship. There was a moment where it hit me that I was actually doing work and I was interested in it and I was happy and it was just extremely weird, and extremely awesome. 
7. Okay I think I've delayed this point enough, and it's basically what makes this month such an overwhelmingly favourite-worthy one, so I'll get to it. What basically happened was... I went home. You may remember that I wrote a really emo post a long time ago about moving away from home, from the city I grew up in. I've been back there a few times, for a friend's sister's wedding (my one trip from college with my friends, so much fun, I wish I'd had favourites-posts back then), and my brother's graduation (when I spent a lazy afternoon at Annabanana's place with the Cookie and the Marshmallow (we're big on food-themed nicknames) watching Warm Bodies (or was it Crazy Stupid Love? I think Crazy Stupid Love was the time before that?) and eating subways and talking and laughing and taking timed selfies and failing at taking timed selfies). But I hadn't been back in nearly two years, and after the term I'd had, I really needed to go there. I'd made plans to go back a million times before, and they'd all failed, so it was unbelievably amazing that this one actually worked out, and worked out beyond my wildest expectations. This trip probably deserves a separate post to itself, but eh, I'm already here, and I postponed posting (lulz, postponed posting) so I could include it in my favourites, so please bear with an extra-long post because I'm going to go through each of my favourite elements, in no particular order, in separate points. 
1. The journey. Train journeys to and from college with Doobie had been something we both treasured, and though we realized this trip that we'd only had four or five of them, they were some of the biggest building blocks in our friendship, along with our nightly walks. I was pretty excited to be able to have another journey with her, even though I was also trying to suppress my excitement because I didn't want to jinx everything by being too happy, and I was still terrified that the plan would fail somehow, and we would miss the train (we ended up reaching over an hour early) or the train would get cancelled just because the gods hated me, or something horrible would happen and ruin everything. It didn't, though, and we ended up watching the happy part of the Devil Wears Prada, and then changing to Tangled, which by the way is far too intense for a children's movie. My laptop almost died in the middle, but trusty steed that it is, it stayed alive long enough to let me transfer the movie onto a pen drive and then we continued on Doobie's laptop. I'm just retrospectively going to take this as a sign that everything would be absolutely 100% perfect that glorious weekend. 
2. The MotherCookie. I'm awkward. It's who I am, and I've mostly accepted it. My awkwardness arises mainly around people I'm not close friends with. Classmates, other people's acquaintances whom I'm meeting- I either just shut up entirely apart from greetings and grimace-y smiles, or blab out the wrong thing and internally yell at myself for the rest of the interaction and five years afterward. I'm okay with absolute strangers and my absolute best friends, but horrible with everyone in between those two extremes- especially adults. Sometimes, though, something just clicks between me and the other person, and then my mind starts functioning properly and I can be myself and the world is a happy beautiful place of words and birds. The Cookie had told me that her mother had no awkwardness in an attempt to comfort me when I'd aired my worries earlier, but I'd disregarded her because there was awkwardness in me. Except this time...there wasn't. I spent the weekend living with the Cookie, and her mom and her cousin (and her cat), and I didn't shut up from the moment her mom came to pick me up at the station until the morning I left. I probably jabbered about all of the feelings I have ever felt in my life, and narrated every interesting anecdote I had to narrate, and some not-so-interesting ones, and still the conversation just flowed, and it was beautiful even though I'm pretty sure everyone wanted me to shut up after a point. It was really weird to feel that comfortable around people I'd just met, but it happened, and it was the best thing ever, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. 
3. Ron. Ron is the Cookie's cousin, and probably one of two readers on my blog whom I don't (didn't) know. She writes great stuff over at moronsoriginally and is even awesomer than you would imagine with such an epic pun of a url to be. She's also sweeter than my morning cup of milk, which has approximately five hundred tablespoons of sugar in it. Cookie had told me she was excited to see me, which was a really...weird (also awesome) feeling, because it's weird having someone be a fan of your work, especially when your work basically consists of you talking (whining) about your feelings? But anyway, despite what Cookie told me I was in no way to prepared to be met by the human-shaped bundle of happiness and good energy that Ron is. Cookie left us alone when she went to take a shower, and I internally shot daggers at her because WHY WAS SHE LEAVING ME ALONE TO STUTTER AWKWARDLY WITH THIS PERSON I'D JUST MET SHOWERS ARE ENTIRELY OVERRATED AND SHE DID NOT HAVE TO TAKE ONE. But instead of staring intently at the wall, we chattered nonstop, about writing and dream jobs and life, and again, it was like we'd known each other forever. Did I mention that she got me a present, and wrote me the sweetest note and words of encouragement that have ever been written? She is a real person and not a sugar fairy though, so she has since also  been amazingly sarcastic and evil and I'm sure she would poke me with a spoon if I was around there, but she also wrote that she would share her apple crumble with me (along with more insanely sweet things that I cannot even try tocompete with STOP BEING SO AWESOME), and you'd better bet I'm going to hold her to that. :D Also, her spaghetti and meatballs were amazing. That is all. 
4. The Cat. (Not to be confused with the Cat I've mentioned earlier, who is an actual person whom I'm friends with. This was literally a cat.) She followed me around everywhere and lurked in the corners and behind curtains and stared at me in a mixture of fear and dominance. The thing that made me connect with her on a deep spiritual level, though, was when she snuggled under the covers and slept for eight straight hours. In the day. As a nap. I don't sleep that much across two nights in college. She is officially my idol. I also eventually managed to pet her the night before I left (which was also the night after I arrived, I wish weekends were longer) before she ran away and glowered at me from a shelf. She had the softest fur and I would like a pet now please, thank you.
5. The Entry. Hugging the Cookie on her bed is definitely in my Top Ten Most Fulfilling Moments in life. We had waited and dreamed and hoped and planned for so long, and it finally actually happened, and it was magical.
6. The Surprise(s). Nobody else knew I was coming, and may I just tell you that surprising your friends with a visit is the most fulfilling thing ever? Marshmallow squealed and hurled herself at me and asked "What is even happening?!" for ten minutes straight. Laani took a step back and swore and jabbed me (hard) in the forehead. Koko blinked and threw questions at me like I was competing for the Koffee Hamper. (So many similes in this post.) It was basically awesome to cause so much happiness.
7. Breakfast with two other friends, at a childhood haunt where I ordered my childhood favourite staple.
8. Lunch with another friend, whom I don't keep in constant touch with, but that never seems to matter because whenever we meet we talk nonstop for a few hours and are all caught up and it's like we never parted.
9. Buying my pretty scarf with birds on it!!!
10. Late night talking about feelings with the Cookie.
11. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor!!!!
12. Just. Being home, and existing in the same physical space as almost all of my most favourite people in the world. There are some dreams that are so beautiful, you don't want to ruin them by bringing them to reality because what reality could match up to the world inside your head? But then there are some realities which surpass even your wildest dreams. Thank you, home, for being so good to me.

Love,

~Sam