Safety and Surrender

I fidget. I look at my phone, tap my foot, play with my hair, smile, scowl, stretch, examine my nails, check out your profile, check my phone, throw it away and stare uncomprehendingly at the work I'm supposed to be doing.

I wait. I wait for you to text, whatsapp, message. I wait for you to ask for my number, wait for you to look up, to look at me, wait for you to ask me to look at you.

I soar and I drown and I bite the skin near my nails and I think and talk- I think and talk, and I talk and think, to you, about you, and to you about you and me.

I smile at my phone, my beautiful cracked phone which shows me your beautiful words, to crack my happy safe heart with, melt my armour and leave the soft flesh for you to love and cherish- and wound and pinch, to leave me wracking with tearless sobs from the softest of cuts.

And I write. I write things like- "I'm scared" and "I like him too much" and "I don't know" and "I want." And I write about this boy, who makes me smile, and eats up all my time, and I cannot explain why. For the love of god, I cannot explain why. It's too much, but it isn't enough, and it turns out all the cliches are true after all.

~Sam 

July Favourites

I don't understand time. I could've sworn yesterday was the 31st of July.

1. Marble teacake. That is all. The amount of joy I got from that first bite was unreal.
2. Watching ZNMD with Doobie, and laughing and talking and giggling for no reason for hours.
3. Pllvi, and our epic five-hour talking marathon, where we covered just about everything from friends to juniors to seniors to love and life and careers and dogs and lipstick and feminism.
4. Pizza. For some reason, I'd gone off pizza, which was a strange feeling. The love is back though, with a bang. <3
5. Inside Out. Great company, excellent movie, plus I finally fulfilled my seafood pink sauce pasta craving! Bonus: chocolatey chocolate dessert.
6. Those five minutes  that one time when I was productive.
7. One lovely Sunday evening when I went up to the terrace, finally giving up my dark laptop for the beautiful heaven that had been teasing me outside my window all day. I firmly believe that it is the best decision that I have ever made- I literally moaned in delight when I stepped out and was embraced by the breeze, and then I walked around all fluttery for a while before deciding to climb onto the water tank, the next deck (?) of the terrace, which for some reason I haven't noticed in the past two years, and then even higher, onto the water tank of that terrace. And then I turned around, my feet on the stairs, my hair blowing all around me, and watched the very clouds being bullied away by the eager playful breeze, and I looked at all the trees and all the crows and even the railing of the stair next to me with a fondness usually reserved only for great poetry or great cake, and I laughed madly to myself, and shivered and hugged myself and laughed and laughed, and looking in wonder at the stunning sky, the fluttering trees, and felt purest, most unobscure joy. 
8. Sitting with Doobie in the centre of the basketball court at midnight, discussing Kelsen's monistic theory of law and staring up at the stars. 
9. Some..conversations. 12/07/15, arguably, but more importantly, 14/07/15. And also, 18/07/15, I suppose. Apparently, I'm quite something. 
10. Cake and fudge ice cream. ^-^

xoxo,

~Sam