About a crush I once had on someone I thought I knew a long time ago; testimony to the staggering number of things human beings can just Get Over.
[It went away.]
It’s a typical teenage situation.
Actually, why restrict it? It’s a typical
love situation. I like a boy. He’s perfect, slender,
smirking, sexy-voiced, joking and nice. I’m just about twice his size, shy and
awkward. He’s the town’s darling. Most people don’t know my name.
He has a girlfriend. He’s a devoted
boyfriend, even long distance. Nice girl that I am, I decide not to make a move
(as if I could). I’ve always respected
The Girlfriend.
He has issues with his girlfriend. Suddenly, everything changes. I…feel a twinge of
happiness at the news. Me. Nice, kind, me, who is more proud of her nice nature
than just about anything else (nice, I said, not modest). I go from waiting to
move on, for my hormones to find someone else to latch onto, to wanting him to
return the feelings. I go from fantasising about imaginary guys (or Hugh
Jackman) to fantasising about him. I
go from mere crushing to actually, truly, viscerally wanting to date someone,
an unprecedented incident.
I plan an entire date in my head. I wanted
a formal, actual date, so I wear a dress. He’s wearing a shirt, a smile, a
funny tie, and those twinkling eyes. Somehow I end up ahead of him and hold the door
open for him, welcoming him in with a curtsey and a teasing smile. We sit, talk,
eat, laugh. He walks me home. The city is beautiful, our conversation easy.
Happy. We kiss. I’m trying to perfect the scene in my head when a friend nudges
me. I startle out of my trance with an internal sigh.
We chat online. A normal, banal
conversation. My heart stutters every time he replies. My friends laugh at my
dramatic silliness. A goofy smile spreads across my face every time I think of him-when
the thought isn’t breaking my heart. When did I become such a lovesick puppy?
He doesn’t like me that way. I wish I had
the courage to put myself out there and tell him I liked him. I finally
understand just how much that takes. The fear of rejection is overpowering. So
is the doubt. For all I know, he and his girlfriend have patched up and gone
back to being the beautiful couple they always appeared to be. If I put myself
out there, would he, could he like me? I don’t want to jeopardize what little
friendship we have. But I want him.
I want him.
[It went away.]
~Sam
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